Niall Horan's Best Friend

Niall Horan’s Best Friend

Chapter 28: Life is difficult

Caity’s P.O.V

Days, weeks, and months went by without any contact with my ex-boyfriend yet best friend. It was extremely difficult; everything and I mean everything reminded me of him.

Every blonde haired person I saw. Every Irish accent I heard. Every pop song. Every time a saw a group of boys. Every time I saw a polo shirt. Every time I passed a Nandos.

Everything reminded of him, but with the help of Brianna, my family, and most of all, my counsellor everything turned out ok. Ever since Niall and I broke up I had become ultimately depressed, I wouldn’t talk to anybody, I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t even leave my room for at least a month tops. So Brianna and my mom discussed my issue without me realizing and tricked me to go into therapy. When I realized where I was I wouldn’t speak, not even make a sound about what was wrong or why I was like this. They forced me there every Wednesday night and after a couple weeks I got suicidal, I could feel myself breaking down every second of everyday of the week, I had to tell somebody, it was life or death. I knew whatever the shrink and I discussed would be kept secret so one Wednesday night when I got forced into the shrinks room, instead of sitting on the couch and keeping my mouth shut, my lips parted and finally shared the words I had been dying to tell. With my weekly visits I became much better after that, everybody did, I was slowly but surely getting better.

Yes, I always thought about Niall, what we could have been if we hadn’t broken up, or what if we stayed in contact. And yes, I missed him but I never told him that only my shrink knew about it, I never had the guts to tell anybody but her. My shrink keep pushing me to think about how Niall was feeling, but I couldn’t. That cut hadn’t healed yet, it was like pouring salt into an open wound, but slowly and surely with the help of my shrink, I opened up and tried to think about how he was feeling, if he was going through the same things as me.

If he was depressed like I me, if he missed me like I missed him, if he still wasn’t moving like at the beginning of the break up. The shrink said that none of that crossed my mind because of my pain and that I didn’t want to hurt myself even more, I know it sounds selfish like I only cared for myself, that I didn’t care about him but I did. I cared so much that I had to leave him; I didn’t want him to get more hate that he already had because he was with me. I wanted him to be like he was before we dated but I guess that didn’t work.

I saw a magazine about One Direction and how they were holding up after me leaving. The magazine stated that they were all depressed and doing drugs, I never trusted that magazine. So I went on the website that you can see things that happen. I went on YouTube and searched all their recent interviews, the magazine was almost correct, they were depressed but never doing drugs, the boys would never ever do that, it would never be like that. I never saw their cheerful smiles, or their contagious laughs, instead I saw something I had never seen before. Frowns, bags under their eyes, their hands were going through their hair every five seconds. They didn’t look like themselves at all.

Their fans noticed to, some sent support to them trying to get them like they were before. There were some odd fans that sent them hate, not understanding what was wrong with them. Then there were the fans that interacted with me and the boys. They never took sides, they knew why I left them and they knew how that affected them. They understood what we were all going through, and they stuck with us through thick and thin.

I always got the same two questions tweeted at me. Do you still like him? And, Would you get back together? I never answered any of them because I didn’t know those answers. Gradually the answers came to me at random times, when I was eating toast, when I was brushing me teeth, and even weirder when I was shaving.

The answers were both yes, just because I walked away doesn’t mean I still don’t have feelings. And yes, if something happened I would want to get back together. That month that we were together was the best month in my life, I could be myself. Why wouldn’t I want that?

Within a week I worked up the courage and tweeted the answers the fans wanted. They went ballistic and somehow tweeted it to Niall. Niall, well Niall’s tweet was unexpected for sure, the fans didn’t even see it coming.

“@NiallOfficial She broke my heart but yet, I still love her”

The fans went even crazier because of his reply, they didn’t see it coming just like I didn’t. When I saw it my heart started racing, my hands started sweating, and all I could think about was him. Only one thing was running through my mind. We could do it, we could become the IT couple again. But then I stopped instantly. Of course we couldn’t, he said so himself I broke his heart nothing would make him forget the state I put him in.

But it wasn’t just Niall I was worried would be mad at me, I was concerned the rest of the boys, my best friends, would be mad at me. I wouldn’t be able to live if my best friends were mad at me, they kept me grounded when I needed it.

They would always help me with l clothes or Niall. Yes, my mother, Brianna and even my shrink would be there for me but it’s not the same. It’s like replacing your pet cat with a turtle, it just doesn’t work that way.

Throughout these last 5 months I have been going to school even with all this baggage, I honestly had no choice Brianna, my mom, and my shrink basically forced me against my own free will to go, let’s just say I wasn’t happy. At first when I showed up in September, normal people came up to me and asked how my summer had been. Everybody does that so it didn’t bother me, I just answered with a fake smile and answer saying it was the best ever. But other people who were fans of One Direction came up to me bitching about how I caused them and the boys shit. It really bothered me, obviously they didn’t know that they caused it in the first place, but luckily my best friend had my back. Brianna was a great body guard for the first 2 months. She snapped at people who were talking behind my back, she spread different rumors so they wouldn’t talk about me, but of course people got bored and I became their play toy.

When Zayn came to try to convince me to come back it broke my heart, he was just trying to make his best friends happy again. I had to say no for obvious reasons. But once he pressed the memory key into the palm of my hand I knew I had to watch them, and I did. I watched them over and over again, making sure I didn’t miss any tiny detail. And I still do just in case, but nobody knows. It’s one of those things I do when nobody is home, when my mom is still at work and Brianna is at home doing homework I would pull out my laptop and the key and watch as many videos as I could.
When I told Zayn that I would only come back if they changed the fans, you could practically feel the impossible in the air. But they held up their end of the deal, slowly but surely these last couple of months, the fans have changed.

They noticed how the boys were always in pain because of something they said, and they have changed that. They have been very genuine with what they say. There is no more lies, or rumors. These new and improved fans have been fantastic, I don’t know what the boys have asked them to do, but they have followed it.

I always checked Niall’s twitter, or the boys twitter. They would tweet how they were feeling. Once Liam tweeted, “@RealLiamPayne: My heart is still broken, it will never heal. I miss you.” Of course he was talking about me, Brianna and him were still going strong, they talk on the phone every night and Skype once a week, sometimes it gets a little annoying. Then Zayn tweeted “@zaynmalik Nothing will ever be the same if your across the world” And he was totally right, I sometimes had these urges that I needed to go back to London, that I needed to go reunite and make everything better between us. They happened often a month or two after I left, like 5 times a week. But lately it happens only once a month, my shrink and I are trying to get them to die down but we aren’t making any progress what so ever.

That was all in the past though, right now it is December, the month that I have recently come to hate. People are always like “Oh my god it’s December, Christmas is right around the corner!” But me, I dread it. Every December the Horan family would come over to our place, we would have our Christmas dinner then open presents and just have fun. It’s a tradition that happens every year. But now, after everything that has happened between Niall and I, I just don’t know what is going to happen. Our parents will still get together, they won’t force us to come. They will give us space because of what happened, they respect what we’ve been through.

The only issue is that I just can’t shake the feeling that if we don’t all get together it will be all wrong. You know how you feel when you break tradition, like somebody is going to come brutally murder you because you didn’t do it? That’s how I feel! But then I think about it and I know if we both end up seeing each other again it will cause us both pain.

Ugh, life is so difficult.