I (Don't) Love You

She was running away.

That much was simple – that, she could deal with. It was what she was leaving behind that was getting to her. But Hailey wasn’t letting herself think about it, just closed her mind to the screaming inside her head and continued to drag her backpack towards the back door.

The stairs creaked alarmingly, and the hallway sounded like a nest of mice being stepped on; but Hailey knew her parents wouldn’t hear her – they were too busy screaming at each other like usual, voices only slightly muffled by the thin walls that masked their daughter’s escape from this hellhole.

This was what she had to get away from, Hailey thought over and over as she slipped out of the house and reached freedom on the empty night-time street. And school, she added mentally when her backpack brushed over a stinging bruise as she swung it over her shoulder.

No one could believe that a pack of teenage girls could have the strength or the malice to torture one of their own, but the marks Hailey bore every day because of them told the truth; between that and having to deal with her parents in the house that she had once known as a home, Hailey just had to get out.

Which was what she was doing as she first walked, then ran, down streets that slowly grew less familiar; thinking that she was heading away from everything she knew, and being glad for it... until she suddenly found herself in a neighbourhood that she knew as well, if not better than, her own.

Tears suddenly welled up in her eyes, emotion threatening to choke her if she stayed too long here – she hadn’t meant to come here, had wanted to forget him and let him find someone else, someone who wasn’t broken; but she found that she couldn’t leave, not yet, not without saying goodbye.

Hailey found herself slowly moving forwards; feeling like a ghost as she walked under the tree where they had kissed for the first time, and passing by the dark, hidden part of the garden where they had lain that last New Years and watched the fireworks together.

The memories were so strong here, so intense – this one place in her world where she had been safe – that Hailey started to doubt herself. Was getting away from all of those other things really worth losing this, she found herself wondering, as silent tears traces lines of silver down her face.

Yes, she decided, as other memories – memories of daily fights at home, crying herself to sleep for years, and being terrified to even pass through the school gates – assailed her mind. Even though he was the best thing that had ever happened to her, she had to go. There was no choice.

The conviction slowed her racing thoughts, allowing her the breath to sit and giving her a little reprieve from the monster that seemed to be chewing on her heart with every pulse. It never fully relinquished its hold, though, squeezing tighter every time her thoughts and emotions threatened to betray her.

In the end, though, it wasn’t her thoughts of him that betrayed her; a light flicked on in the laundry of the house, seconds before the back door opened, and a furry missile shot out, sniffing every plant it passed before making a decision and pausing for a second in its hurry to pee on some dahlias.

Hailey just froze, pulling back into the shadows as a figure moved in the doorway, waiting for his dog to finish tearing around the garden and go back inside.

“Manson,” he called, whistling to get the hyperactive dog’s attention, “come on, bedtime, you idiot dog,”

Hailey couldn’t help but smile at the fondness in his voice, even as she was terrified he would notice her there and try to change her mind. The thought made her smile falter immediately, and she tried backing away slowly, retreating to the shelter of the tiny grove of trees, the shadow of which she was hidden in, for the time being.

Manson had other ideas, though, making a beeline for her as soon as she moved.

“Manson!” Hailey whispered urgently, for once not glad to see the friendly dog, “go away, go inside!”

“Manson?” the boy had given up whistling, and was walking over; “What have you found, boy?”

Hailey just sighed and turned her eyes to the grass below her, hugging the dog – who was ecstatic to have found his second favourite person in the world – as the tears that had almost dried from before returning with the choking lump of emotions in her throat.

“Hailey?” she heard him say suddenly, his surprised voice right in front of her in the dark, “what are you doing here?” he paused, seeing that she was crying, “what’s wrong?”

There was a long silence, broken only by a single sob that Hailey couldn’t hold in anymore, then finally – when the boy had given up on talking and was sitting next to her, just holding her and letting her cry – she spoke.

“Matt...” she began, her sentence dying at her lips, and her voice so quiet and broken that he felt his heart shatter inside, even when he didn’t know what was wrong.

“It’s alright,” he muttered hoarsely, hating himself for not knowing how to help her, for not knowing what to say; “It’ll be alright,”

“No,” she whispered finally, after another long silence had elapsed between them, “It’s not alright – I...” she turned, burying her face in his shirt and holding him like she was never going to see him again, before she could find the words to tell him; “Matt,” she went on, so softly he could hardly hear her, “I have to go,”

“What do you mean, go?” he managed to get out, running a hand over her hair repeatedly as if he could make it all better with the soothing gesture.

Hailey couldn’t say anything, just looked up at him with all the sadness of the world in her eyes, and he knew.

“Please,” he begged, not even trying to mask how pathetic he sounded, “please don’t do this, don’t go – Hailey” he paused, gently taking her chin and making her look him in the eye, “I love you, Hailey, you know I do – I’ll help you, you can stay with me, or-”

“No, I can’t – I... I have to go.” she cut him off, tears in her eyes though she tried to hide them, as hard as she was trying not to think of his words, spoken in complete honesty – didn’t he know he was only making it harder?

A thought crossed her mind, almost too painful to bear, but she closed her eyes and turned away, not able to look him in the eyes while she did what would hurt him most – the one thing she thought would make him let her go, and would make him get over her and move on.

“Matt,” she said softly, refusing to turn, lest she lost courage. “I don’t love you.”

The silence that followed held the sound of two hearts breaking, the world around them falling to pieces as the stars fell out of the sky. They stood frozen, Hailey crying silently with her face averted, while Matt held her hand like his last link to sanity, and stared into nothing with the stunned gaze of a broken heart.

“Hailey,” he said finally, releasing her hand, but stepping closer, “are you su-”

“It’s true,” she lied, still unable to face him, knowing that he would look the saddest that she had ever seen him, “I... I don’t love you. I’m going, and” she hesitated, her voice cracking as she said the words she hated, “and you need to find someone else, someone who loves you.”

“But, Hailey...” he took a shaky breath and stepped back, selflessly hiding his own pain for the longest few seconds. “If you have to go... I won’t stop you.” he let out the breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, and with it half a sob from the crushed emotions just under the surface.

Hailey nodded silently, finally turning to face him as he reached for her arm, her own heart breaking for what felt like the fifth time that night at the sight of his despairing look.

“I’ll miss you,” she managed to get out, hugging him for the last time as she finally told him the truth that she had been trying not to allow herself.

“I’ll miss you, too,” he whispered, hoping the moment would last forever, so he wouldn’t have to say goodbye. “I still love you,” he went on, as she began to slip out of his arms, “I won’t forget you... you can always come back.”

She just nodded, unable to speak through the tears and emotions that were threatening to burst out and drown her. She couldn’t stay any longer, though if she could she would happily never leave the safety and comfort of his arms – but it was no use thinking that, she berated herself; she had made her choice, and now she had to go.

So she left, tears still streaking down her face and heart-broken sobs tearing at her chest as she grabbed her bag and ran, trying to get away from him and try to forget – leaving behind the other half of a ruined heart, torn with the same tears that fell for her shattered life, and his.