Bulletproof Heart

I finally got into (his) OUR room, that room we had shared for a long time, I didn't want to remember, but I did, I fucking did, every night, every kiss, every keeped secret, all the love, all the kind words we told each other. I sighed loudly and sat up in the bed, it was like it never happened, like he had never left me, I let a tear run through my cheek, I was surprised, I thought I already waisted all my tears, but I surely didn't. I wasn't brave enough to go into that room again, not until 2 weeks had passed by.
Suddendly I heard a movement behind me, I blinked away the tears that had formed in my eyes and stood up, glancing at the dark room, looking for some ghost, some branch on the window, some insect, or maybe somebody. Of course, I couldn't find no one.

-Hello? is anyone there? - I asked to the darkness.

I heard a gasp and turned around. I saw a tiny curled-up body in the corner of the room, maybe it was him, it couldn't be, I saw him leaving with my own eyes, I saw him preparing his suitcase and buying a ticket to L.A. But, wait... I didn't saw when he entered the plain, maybe he IS that tiny body. But... Why is he like that? Why is he curled-up into the wall?

I walked over the tiny body and crouched in front of it. I could tell he was holding his breath.

-Frankie? - I got no response.
-Frank, babe, are you okay? I thought you were in California.
-I..I just. - He said, but didn't complete the sentence.

His voice sounded like he was crying, I tried to stood up to turn on the light but he stopped me, his hand on my arm.

-Stay, please. Don't leave me.
-I'll turn on the lights, I can't see you.
-It's okay, I can't see you either, but I don't have to, I just want you by my side.
-I... Okay...- I really wanted to ask him why, why did he want to go? What stopped him from leaving? Why he was crying on his bedroom? And, He was here all this time?

But, instead of doing that, I sat beside him and hugged him thightly, I held onto him like it was the last time I did, and he just stayed there expressionless. We didin't move and I didn't care how many time I stayed there with him, just holding onto each other arms. Slowly, I began to hear quite sobs, and let go of him just to catch his face in my hands, carefully wiping away his tears with my thumbs, I couldn't see his face very well, but I could swear he was smiling at me.

-Hi - I told him.
-Hey - He whispered with a small, sad smile on his face.
-I missed you.
-I missed you too
-Can I ask you something?
-Uhm... I... I guess.
-Why are you here?
-You don't want me here? - Confussion and sadness in his face.
-Of course I do, but I don't understand why you didn't leave... You seemed so... - I sighed
-Determinated?
-Uh, yeah.
-Well, I wasn't determinated, I was angry, besides I couldn't leave, I couldn't let myself be so stupid to lose you, not that way.
-You didn't lose me, I'm still here, even if you had gone to L.A, I would still be yours for when you wanted to come back, I would give anything for you, ANYTHING, Frankie. -I said looking him right into his eyes, I was being honest, I really would give and do any fucking thing for him, because I love him.
-Gerard, I...
-It's okay, come here.

I gave him another thight, loving and carying hug. This time, he pulled his arms around my neck, as I rest mines around his waist. Minutes passed and we were still there, clenched into each other like there was no tomorrow. We carefully let go, we didn't want to, but we had to, we had to talk.

-Baby, were you here the past 2 weeks?
-I... well, yeah... I had nowhere to go. And I was specting you to come over.
I chuckled lightly. -Well, I'm here. You know, I think I really should turn on the lights.
-NO! -He snapped, I could tell his shocked expression.
-Babe, it's okay, I'm not gonna leave you.
-It's not that... I... I'm sorry, Gee, I'm so, so, so sorry.

He began to cry, and I couldn't help but feel bad for him, I didn't understand why he was crying, why he didn't want me to turn on the lights, and why he was asking for my apology. And that's when it hited me, FUCK. What if he had done it again? What if he... No, It was impossible, No, I couldn't let that happen, just... No.

-Frankie -I told him with a serious voice. -I'm gonna turn on the lights.
-Please don't be mad at me.
-I would never.

I looked for the light switch and turned it on, and when I turned around I saw him there, he was so damaged, his eyes swollen (from crying I think), his clothes ripped, his hair was greasy, and his skin... His skin was... FUCK, he did it again, he had blood on his arms, both of them. I never understood why he had to do this, he got me, he didn't have to do that, he didn't have to grab that fucking razorblabe, that stupidly sharp razorblade and pass it through his arms. Of course, he didn't have me anymore for 2 weeks, so that could be the cause. SHIT, Gerard, if only you were there for him, his arms wouldn't be so "texturized" and red. I hated myself at that moment, how was I
so dumb to notice he didn't want to go? I stayed there, watching him in silence as he stood up carefully and slowly, in pain because of the wounds he had now on his thights.

-Are you mad at me? -He asked with a scared face
-No, baby, of course I'm not, it's okay, now I'm here and everything's going to be just fine.
-How can you know that?
-I'll never let that happen again, okay?
-Mhhmm.

And once more, I held onto him, this time was short.

-You never answer. -I said
-W-what? Never answer? You were asking me things?
-Frank, sugar, come here and tell me one thing.
-Ahm, okay, I guess.

I lead him to the front of the bed and sat down, then looked at his to do the same and he did.

-So, I was asking why you didn't leave, and I wanted to know what made you so angry, and why the hell you bought those razorblades to assesinate your beautiful arms, dear.
He gulped and saw me in the eyes.
-It's okay, Frankie, you know it is. If you want, take your time.
-I... Remember what happened before I came here and began preparing my suitcase?
-Ahm, kinda.
-Gerard, don't lie to me, I know you don't remember, but it's fine. I was at job and I was fucking busy, that stupid secretary of mine told me nasty things and wore short shorts and skirts, she didn't comprehend what is like to be gay, that little whore.
-Jamia did that?
-Jamia, that's her name, well whatever, I didn't pay attention, it was quite daily.
-So that didn't make you angry?
-No, that'd be stupid. I got angry at you beacuse I told you my secrets, I told you I was and still am a cutter, I told you about my abusive childhood, I told you about the bullies, the names, everything, Gerard, I told you everything. And still, you kept a secret from me, a big secret, a secret that could killed you one day.
-Frankie...
-Just, stay quite... I thought you and I count on each other, and you didnt trusted me enough to tell me you're in drugs? And not in one, there's a varirety of them... Cocaine, Crack, Heroin; Gerard, you don't even like needles, GOD. I was angry because I wanted to help you, but you obviosly didn't have that confidence with me and I was angry too beacuse I didn't want to be in the drug environment again, I didn't want to live with a person like that again, so a got angry and grab the first suitcase that was on the closet and throw every shirt and pants I could.
-Oh, wow, Frank, I-
-No, shut up, I'm not finished... I thought you trusted in me... You know, I really thought you loved me like I loved you, fuck, I DO love you, that's the reason I stay, I stay because I love you more than anything in the world, Jesus, Gerard, but I hate you too, you don't know how confused I am, I came back here trying to say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave" but you weren't here, then I thought you were somewhere else and you would come back, but you didn't, I waited 3 days, you didn't come back. Then I knew you had forgotten me, and I got angry at myself, because, how could anybody love someone like me?... I knew you were finally free, and you were out there chasing guys that didn't have so much trouble with themselves, I was so stupid to even believe you loved me, god, I hate you, but not as much as I hate myself for believing in you.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, he was in tears, me too, I just stand there and saw him in the eyes, he was being so honest, so pure, and it was true, he gave me his confidence, he told me everything that ever happened to him, and I didn't even recognize that.

-Frank.... You have no idea how sorry I am, I am so sorry, Frank. Sorry for not telling you, at first it was a game, a distraction, something I could use as a scape, then I needed it, it became something I couldn't stop. But when you left -or tried to- I stopped, I said to myself that I didn't need that, I didn't want to live like that anymore. And I wasn't "chasing" guys, Frank, God, how could you think that? there's no one like you, I don't want anybody if it's not you, shit, I love you. I didn't come back in here because I knew if I did, I would break everything and torture myself by seeing this walls and bed and sofas where you and me cuddled every night. I love you so much it hurts, Frank. I didn't tell you because I thought it was a fucking game, but then I realize it wasn't, and I didn't want to hurt you more than you were already, that's all, I love you like nobody would ever do, and I don't want to see those razorblades anymore, fuck, I hate myself right now, I'm such an asshole.
-Yes, you are. -He told me with a sad smile on his face.
-Come on, I'm gonna throw away those little pieces of metallic shit, then, I'm gonna give you a bath and prepare coffe, GOD, you must be starving, I'm gonna cook something just for you and me, and forget this ever happened.
-Gee?
-Yes, cupcake?
-I fucking love you.
-I love you too, babe, you have no idea.