Ana

The British (or is it Aussie?) accent of the Victoria Secret announcer streamed through my TV. I watched enviously as the skinny girls danced around in bra's and panties. They showed off their firm butts, but there wasn't much on top. That was the only bad thing about being thin. No boobs. Not that I have any. I'm a flat chested fat ass.

I continued to mark down in my head what they had that I never would because of Ana. No matter how "thin" I seemed to get to you, I knew I never would be good enough. I'd never have that perfect thigh gap that those girls do. Nor would I get the beautiful collar bones that were showing through their perfectly smooth skin. My hips wouldn't poke out with my ribs and my stomach wouldn't cave in nicely between them. I was stuck like this forever.

Fat. Disgusting. Worthless. Me.

There was a light knock on the front door, followed by my sisters chime like voice, "Hello? Hannah? Mom?" I could hear her step through the door, quietly shutting it behind her.

"I'm in my room. Mom is gone," I called, returning my attention to the TV, which now as advertising Covergirl.

Couldn't I at least have a pretty face? No, I was stuck with my deformed self. My eyes were tiny and sat unevenly on either side of my rather pointed nose. My cheeks were extremely chubby, often reminding me of a hamster after they ate. The only moderately decent part of me were my lips, but even those were nasty. They were constantly chapped. Oh, and my forehead. That is the worst part. It is so huge and wide, I look like Frankenstein.

My sister, Alyssa, again interrupted me. "I see you're eating," she smiled. She knew a bit about my little friend. No way did she know the extent, but she knew enough.

I looked down at the bowl of carrots, celery and cucumbers in my bowl. "Yeah," I muttered, grabbing a carrot and munching on it. I'd grabbed the food because I knew she'd be visiting today. Might as well make it look like I'm eating, right?

"I know you don't like to, but try and eat half of that?" She asked, coming over and grabbing a stick of celery from the bowl.

Again, I looked at the bowl. There was an awful lot in it, but I nodded in agreement. "Not right now though. This is my second serving," I lied. I hadn't eaten since yesterday's breakfast mom made me. It was now nearly eight at night.

"You have until I leave to then," she smiled her perfect smile. I am so envious of her. She has perfectly white and straight teeth, framed by always pink and pouty lips. Her skin is naturally tan. She doesn't have an awkwardly proportioned face like I do. Nor does she have my fat body. She has my dream body. Though I'd never admit that to her.

She left my room after several minutes of watching me nibble away at a carrot. I'm guessing it was as fun as watching a rabbit. Instead of returning to watching the skinny actresses on TV, I grabbed my phone and opened up Instagram.

Many people don't really know of the ED community on Instagram, but I was quite happy I stumbled across it. My whole support group was there and always willing to help pick me up when Ana's grasp got a little tighter. And, well, honestly they all boosted my self confidence a bit. Comments of "You're so skinny!" and "I want your body" loitered underneath all my pictures.

Today though, under my most recent weight loss post, was something I knew would come eventually. "WTF? Your nasty! put some clothes on your fat self. disgusting whale!" My heart sank.

Ana decided to chime in. You know she's right. You're fat. Disgusting. I saw you chewing on those carrots. You probably put on a whole pound, you whale. How does that feel?

Tears welled up in my eyes and eventually fell down my cheeks, no matter how hard I tried to hold them back. I finally gave in and found my way to the bathroom, shoving my fingers to the back of my throat and forcing up the three carrots I just ate. It hurt, but, like Ana often reminds me, pretty people just don't eat.