Tell Me You Love Me

I think I gasped too loud or made a noise, because the next thing I knew, she stopped talking. I tried to control my breathing, but I guess she heard that, too. Did I ever mention that I'm not really good at hiding?

"Whoever is up, get your ass in here." It was like she knew it was me that was out here, ear hustling on her conversation. I sat there quietly, waiting for my mother to continue her talk with my father. I can't believe that she's talking to my father! She's known of his location for years and hasn't told me!? All I've ever heard come out of her mouth is "'Oh, girls, it seems like another Christmas without daddy'" or "'I wish your father could see this'" or "'Damn that daddy of yours, because if he really cared, he wouldn't have left us!'". I'm so confused as to why she just now decided to talk to him and why I'm being brought up. What the hell does she mean by 'take her in'? She should keep in mind that I haven't seem the man in 13 years! This man, who is supposedly my "father", has nothing to deal with my pregnancy. He wasn't here, so I don't wanna hear SHIT from his mouth! My mother shouldn't be telling him anything about what's going on this family. If he really gave a shit, then he would've stayed around instead of leaving like he didn't have a responsibility to take care of.

I don't know what to do right at this point. I'm not sure if I should run out there and hug him or tell the both of them off, so I walked to my door and shut it quietly behind me. My life seems like it's just going in a giant downward spiral. What am I supposed to do? My mom is forcing to get an abortion, but it's not something I want and I'm too chickened to tell her. Everyone tells me it's my choice, but it doesn't feel like it's so much of my choice now. It's like everything's slipped out of my hands and now, my choice has become the world's biggest problems.

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Since I couldn't go back to sleep, I stayed up until 5:00 and decided to get out my outfit. Deciding on something simple, I went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. When I got in the shower, I couldn't help but look down at my body. It seems like I've gotten bigger by the pound each day, but I know that it's just in my head. I'm fully unaware of how long I've been in the shower, but when I get out, my hands are all wrinkly and my hair is wet. I get dressed and come out the bathroom to see everyone eating breakfast, with nothing out for me.

I come over to the table and sit down, tapping my fingers impatiently. Janaé's feeding Chenille and sipping coffee while my mom's eating her bagel. I get up quickly and grab a bowl of Cheerios. Even though they make make me sick, I don't tell my mom that.

"By the way, Simonee, I got you back in school. Don't say I never gave you anything, but I expect something from you in return." I know what she's hinting at, and it's not happening. That's all she said before we got quiet again.

"I think I'll go to the mall today. My pants are feeling a little snug." Janaé said, avoiding eye contact with me. I don't know what I did to her, but I'm fine if she doesn't speak to me. It wasn't like we got along all the time. I never mentioned to my mom or anyone that my pants were getting uncomfortable and small. "As a matter of fact, I should pick you up some pants, moms. What size are you, an XL?" she said, rolling her eyes at her own witty remark. I didn't want to start anything with her right now, so I just shut up.

"I have a doctor's appointment this week. I'll get to see how far along I am." I said to no one in particular. I don't really understand why they're acting this way, but it hurts and I have feeling, too.

"Is that all you're eating? I just assumed that someone in your...devastating position would eat more or something healthy." my mother said, not making eye contact with me, either. Wow, did she really just say that to me? First of all, my pregnancy is anything but a disaster. I'm so over this family and all of their bullshit.

"Yes, this is all I'm eating. I trying to watch what I eat, since my doctor told me to eat healthy." I mumbled, not looking at either of my family members. We sat in dead silence, the only noise coming from the clinking of our silverware.

"By the way, your grandmother is coming today. Janaé, she'll be sleeping in your room and it's not up for discussion." Janaé looked at my mother with shock and anger. My grandmother is coming? Janaé and her have never really gotten along, so we all know how this could play out. She opened up her mouth to say something, but she closed it really quickly. "I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it. If she slept in Simonee's room, well, it wouldn't be pretty. Oh, and she plans on taking us to dinner tomorrow, so I'll need you to find something that hides your little surprise."

"I don't know why you won't just accept it. Maybe she'll accept the fact that I'm pregnant." I said, finishing up my cereal. They just looked at me and laughed in my face.

"Oh, puh-leez. If she didn't accept Janaé's pregnancy, what ales you think she'll accept yours? Get it through your damn head that no one will accept your pregnancy! As soon as you get an abortion, we can go back to the way things were. Until then, shut the hell up about it, because if I hear so much as the word 'baby' come out of your mouth, you'll be out in the streets with the rest of those girls who can't keep their damn legs closed!" I've never heard my mom talk to me like that. I tried to stop myself, but I just busted out into tears as she walked away and slammed her door. Janaé didn't even look at me as she picked up Chenille and left to her room.

I looked at the clock and realized that I had less than 5 minutes until the bus came. I ran into my room, searching for a pair of shoes as I slid on my backpack and tried to wipe the tears from my eyes. I decided on my Toms and ran out the apartment without saying goodbye. Rushing down the stairs, I noticed that it was pouring down raining. Great, I thought to myself, just freaking great. I ran as fast as I could to my bus, stepping into puddles of water and getting water splashed on me by cars that were driving by. The bus was about to close it doors when I got there just in time. I plopped down in my usual seat, soaking wet and panting like a damn dog. Everyone on the bus was looking at me like I was stupid. I just stared out the window until we got to my school. I walked to the front of the stairs, receiving dirty looks from all of the kids. They were either carrying umbrellas and pointing at me or bumping into me on purpose.

I've never felt so alone in my life. All eyes are on me as I stand here in the rain, with my feet soaking wet. I just kept my head held high and walked into my school, holding my hands on my belly. I tried to look forward and ignore all of the dirty looks I was receiving, but it didn't work: a group of guys stopped me in the hallway.

"Hey, ma. When's it my turn to knock boots?" the one in the middle said. I'm guessing he's the ring-leader of the group.

"You wanna ride, mamacita?" another said as he played with my hair. I swatted his hand away immediately, getting a round of 'ooh's' and 'aww's'.

"When you gonna have my babies?" someone said before a group of girls came over to them. They looked like they were willing to fight me, with their brass knuckles on, their Timberlands laced up, their tied up hair, and bamboo earrings.

"Kenny, what the hell are you doing, talking to this slut?" one girl said, walking up to her boyfriend's side. I just looked down at the ground, trying so hard not to slap the girl in the face.

"Baby, I wasn't even talking to her! She came up to me and started rambling about how this was my baby and that I need to handle me responsibility, but I've never seen her in my life!" he said, getting approval from his boys. I looked up in disbelief, opening my mouth to clear my name, but then things got ugly.

"Listen, ho , don't go running around the streets, tryna claim something that ain't yours! If you don't know who your baby-daddy is, that's too damn bad, but my man doesn't sleep with hoochies!" she said, earning a couple of 'yeah's' from her friends.

"That's not true! I've never seen him in my life. Besides, why would I sleep with someone like him when he's got something like you?" I said, gaining dirty looks from everyone. What the hell is going on with people today!? Then the girl started to take off her earring and shoved me. I couldn't possibly fight her! I'm not trying to get suspended again just for dumb things. She kept pushing me and pushing me before I pushed her back...hard. She fell on her butt and her friend tried to hold her back as I shuffled away, clenching my backpack really tight. I can tell that this is gonna be a long day.