Tell Me You Love Me

I woke up at 4:35 in the morning, hungrier than usual. And then I remembered: I didn't eat breakfast. I walked to the fridge to see what seemed good, but all that was in there was macaroni and cheese casserole, some eggs, ketchup, cheese, and pizza. I went ahead and made me some cheese eggs with ketchup and a macaroni and cheese casserole sandwich, with pizza as a bun. It was actually kinda tasty, but I guess my baby wanted more...something healthy. I don't really eat fruit like that, so I grabbed myself a bowl of grapes. After awhile, they tasted pretty sour... I like sour! I couldn't take it and grabbed myself another bowl. I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, looking for something interesting. I really couldn't fing anything, so I just turned to this random, where they were airing reruns of The Nanny, My Wife and Kids, Full House, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and Roseanne. On this one particular episode of Roseanne, Dan was talking to DJ about masturbation and I nearly rolled off the couch. It was too hysterical! I guess my laughter was a little too loud because Aaron came out of my room and sat right next to me.
"What are you doing up so early?" he said, placing his arm around my shoulder.
"Well, I'm watching Roseanne and eating grapes. Originally, I was eating some other stuff that is too long to mention, but now I'm eating these." I said, placing one on my tongue.
"Grapes? But you don't ever eat fruit, and I mean ever. You craving stuff now?" he said confused.
"Yeah." I said, rubbing my belly. "Last week, I was craving taquitos! I tried them at school, and they were terrible! So I asked Janae if I could try some she bought from the store. I spat them out after the first bite!" I laughed, putting my hands over my mouth so my laughter wouldn't be heard. Aaron laughed at me too. We sat for a moment in silence, no voices except for the television. I don't know why, but I felt the need to ask this question:
"Are you creepin on me?" I asked quietly, turning my body halfway to face him.
"W-what?" Aaron studdered, looking at me with a confused look on his face.
"Are you creepin on me?" I asked again, but louder this time.
"No. Baby, why would you ask me something like that?" he said, not making any eye contact with me. I sighed heavily and put my head in his lap, staring up at him as I also placed my legs on the couch.
"I don't know...well, you seemed to be really upset when I told you about my baby, but you weren't upset with me or at me. You seemed more upset with yourself. Secondly, everytime you come over, you always leave late at night or super early in the morning." I said, straightening up. He didn't even answer me; he just tensed up really quick and sighed heavily.
"I knew it. I knew you were creepin on me from day 1 and you're gonna keep creepin on me until I die or we break up!" I cried in between sobs. He just sat there and patted me on the back.
"Simonee, ask yourself this question: why would I be cheating on you when you carrying my baby and shit? Look, girl. You may not realize it, but I love the fuck outta you, watermelon belly and all." he said, laughing a little.
"Unh-unh. Why you have to call it a watermelon belly?" I sniffled-laughed. I rubbed my belly once more for dramatic effect.
"Because that's what it looks like. Your belly looks like a watermelon!" he said, poking me in my stomach.
"No it doesn't. It just looks like a regular old baby bump!" I laughed, punching him in the arm. We sat there talking for a while until the show ended.
"You tired?" Aaron asked me as I yawned loudly. I just shook my head and laid my head back in his lap. I kept drifting off to sleep, but I kept waking myself back up. I finally dozed off and Aaron carried me to my bed, tucking me in and kissing me goodnight before leaving the apartment.

*************************
I didn't feel like going to school today. I'm really tired, my body aches all over, and my nausea has increased. My mom said that I just had a fever and could stay home today, with Janae here to watch over me. I tried to tell her that I was old enough to stay home by myself, but she just laughed as she walked out the door. It kinda hurt to get up, but it was worth it. The baby was pulling the plug on my bladder, trying to set all my liquids free, and I couldn't hold it anymore. I speed-walked to the bathroom and let everything loose. I washed my hands, walked out to the living room, and sat down on the couch. Unfortunately, that was put to an end when Janae came out of her with a strange man. He looked like he was in his mid-20's, tall frame, and as buff as LL Cool J.
"Ok, so I'll see you later?" he said, grinning at Janae, who just rolled her eyes.
"May-bee!" Janae said, batting her eyelashes. After he left, Janae just sighed heavily as she tightened up her kimono and bumped up her sex hair. I just looked at her in disgust, shaking my head.
"What?" she said, staring me down.
"Really, Janae? Your sleeping around now?" I shreeked. She told me that she was gonna stop sleeping around with guys, but I guess it was all a lie.
"Ok, so I brought a guy home, called him 'daddy', fucked him, and he left. What's the big deal?" she laughed. My sister can be so clueless sometimes! Doesn't she know what the consequences can be for sleeping around?
"The big deal is pregnancy scares and STDs, you idiot!" I yelled, throwing my arms up in the air. Janae just rolled her eyes at me, angered that I was right and she knew it. She walked to the kitchen and got out a leftover omelet and some cereal.
"Want some? If not, there's some Krispy Kremes donuts on the counter." she said. I ran into the kitchen and came out with the whole 12 dozen box. I bit into the soft, warm treat and smiled with delight. Although my body still feels sore, the donuts cured my craving issues and put me in my happy place. Suddenly, I felt an overpowering sugar rush come over me and I took another one. It felt so good to have the chocolate filling slither down my throat and have glazed donut sticking to my face. I wanted to scream out to the heavens with joy when I took each bite. I didn't realize it was all gone until I bit my fingers.
"YOOWW!" I screamed, my fingers throbbing with pain.
"That's what you get for eating like a fat ass." Janae laughed, clapping like a mentally disabled seal. I reached over and punched her in the arm, causing her to yelp in pain.
"You just need to shut up. Besides, I can't help it. These cravings and shit got me going crazy!" I mumbled, twirling the drawstrings on my sweatpants. "Don't you change the subject on me! Who was that guy who I just saw leaving your room?" I asked. Janae smiled all over again and started whirling around the house.
"Bruce...his name is Bruce! He's smart, respectful, sweet, and he loves Chenille like she's his own daughter!" she sighed, a big smile spreading across her face. I've never seen her this happy since Chenille was born. I wonder if when my baby is born, I'll still be happy afterwards. But I think it's nice that Janae has someone in her life who appreciates her and her daughter.
"Well, that's good. What's he like?" I ask curiously. Some of the men she used to date weren't very good to her or Chenille, so I'm glad that she found someone new.
"He's 21, he's from Puerto Rico, and he lives 5 minutes away from here. He had one daughter, but she was born premature and passed last year. Other than that, he works as a mechanic, has a two bedroom apartment, drives a Toyota pick-up truck, his father lives in Indiana, his mother passed from lung cancer two years ago, and he has 5 siblings: four brothers and one sister...he's the middle child." she said, staring dreamily into space. I guess she's really sprung on this guy and he's really sprung on her.
"I don't want to sound rude, Janae, but don't rush into this." I said with a worried look on my face. I always worry about Janae when it comes to men and she does the same to me.
"I promise I won't rush into anything. Do you think I'd marry him without introducing him to my younger pregnant sister?" she said, nudging me in the arm softly.
"Gosh, not everyone needs to know I'm pregnant, Janae. I haven't even told Mom that I'm pregnant!" I shrieked. I can't bring myself to tell her, but I want to tell her and I need to tell her so we can work this stuff out. As if she was reading my mind, Janae just says: "So, what are you gonna do? For like, a job and support and stuff? I don't think Mom is gonna want to fund another baby."
"Well, I haven't really thought of that. Job wise, Aaron has a job, so he can cover that. As for support and stuff, Aaron has got that covered, too. He's 17, so he said that once he turns 18, he'll buy us a house and we'll get married and I'll just be--"
"A pregnant abused housewife?" Janae asked curiously, raising an eyebrow.
"NO! I won't become one of those! Plus, he promised that he'd stopped hitting me." I smiled.
"Simonee, get your head out of the clouds! Askvyourself, how many times has he told you that promise? And out of all those times, how many times has he actually followed his word?" Janae said, standing over me. But I didn't reply because I knew it was true. Everytime he promises, he goes back on his promise.
"No. It's not like that. He just...he gets a little angry sometimes and he can't control it! He doesn't want to hold it in
, but he doesn't know how to show it. I know he gets a little rough with me sometimes, but he doesn't intend to hurt me." I said, looking at the ground.
"Yes, Simonee. He thinks he owns you and controls you and when he gets angry, he thinks it's your fault and hurts you and apologizes later on. He's brainwashing you to believe that he loves you and to believe that he doesn't mean to hurt you!" she said again, now putting her hand on my shoulder.
"No,no,no. I love him, he loves me, and we're going to be together." I said shaking.
"SIMONEE, HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU OR THAT BABY!" she screamed at me. I pulled my hair back into a pony tail and started to cry while my sister patted me on the back.
"Did you know that the first we had sex, it wasn't sex?" I sniffed, laughing a little bit. "He had...um...he had dragged me into my room...and he slapped me in the face. He tried to wrestle me but...I just kept trying to wiggle free. When I got up...he grabbed me by my arms and said, 'Fight me, baby. Fight me. It's gonna be a long night.' I tried to get free again, but he squeezed me harder. Then...he threw me on my bed and...he ripped off my jeans and panties. I heard them rip. Then I heard a belt buckle being undone and...and he put his thing inside of me. I tried to scream, but he just carressed my hair and said 'Yeah, give it to me, ma. Make me never wanna go home.' When he heard me start to whine, he whispered in my ear 'Scream and it only gets worse.' So I stopped. He just kept going in and out and in and out and caressing my hair. It felt like shoving a knife through an apple. After it was over, I was shaking. He told me that I was good for my first time and it would become natual to me." I said, now fully sobbing, my cheeks wet with tears. Janae just sat there, her mouth in the shape of an 'O'. She said absolutely nothing.
"IT HURT SO BAD! IT HURTS, JANAE!" I screamed at her, shaking her like a rag doll. Once again, she said nothing. I continued to cry until she put a blanket around my arms.
"I'm so sorry, Simonee. I didn't know he did that to you." she plead, her eyes getting watery.
"Yeah, alot of people don't know and alot people are too stupid to tell the cops." I said, becoming angry.
"You never told the cops? Simonee, what were you thinking?!" she said surprised.
"I was thinking no one would find out. You can't tell anyone, you hear? Not your silly boyfriend, not the cops, and not mom!" I growled, speaking through clenched teeth. "He told me that if I told anyone, I would get hurt. And I don't want to get hurt, especially since I'm pregnant!" I cried, wiping my tears off my face, but more just kept coming. My sobs were the only noise in the room until the buzzer rang. Janae got up to answer it as I sat there with my knees pressed against my chest. Janae did make a fine point: I don't have any support, financially that is. I have money, but that's in a savings account. I'm not even sure Aaron wants to help. But forget Aaron. If he doesn't want to help, I'll be disappointed, but I can hold my own. While Janae was talking to the person at the door, I texted Aaron and asked him to meet me at IHOP. We need to have a serious discussion about this.
"Hey, Janae! You wanna go to IHOP?" I yelled at her while I put my Samoas on.

*************
"So, what'd you bring me here to tell me, ma?" Aaron asked as he dug into his all-you-can-eat pancakes. Janae agreed to take me, just as long as her and Chenille could sit at our booth. I was on my third plate of pancakes and I was sure that if I took another bite, I was going to die. My bulging belly couldn't take it anymore, so I untied the strings on my sweats and folded the flap over for a third time.
"Um...I brought you here to talk about...the baby." I said quietly, looking at my belly.
"What'd you say?" he said, stopping to chew his food.
"I want to talk about the baby! You know, the thing inside of me?!" I yelled a little too loudly. The old couple at a booth across the aisle looked at use. I just stared down at my pancakes and Aaron continued to eat his food. Before I could stop her, Janae looked at the couple and blurted out:
"What are you looking at? Don't you two have a bingo game or knitting club to attend or something?" The old couple turned away quickly and continued their conversation.
"Well, okay. What about it?" he said, drinking his apple juice.
"I'm sorry?"
"What about it?" he asked again.
"Okay, first of all, it's not an it. This thing, inside my belly, is a baby. Not an alien, not a fetus, but a BABY and you will address my baby as that, got it?" I growled through clenched teeth. Woah, I've never gotten this angry before, especially with Aaron. It took me awhile to calm myself down, but when I did, I started to talk again.
"Sorry. Anyways, I'm gonna need your help with raising this baby, if you do plan to stick around." I asked, sipping in my chocolate milk through a straw.
"What do you mean?" he asked. Did I not make it clear the first time or what?
"Are you going to help me financially support this baby? You know, for clothes, food, a crib, and all that other jazz?" I asked, stirring my straw around.
"You're asking for alot of shit, ya know?" he said, slamming his fist on the table.
"So what, you think my baby's just supposed to go naked, eat macaroni and cheese, and sleep on the floor? No. I don't have alot of money and I really need your help." I pleaded, my eyes beginning to fill up with tears. I didn't know he could have a change of heart in just one night. "You are obligated to help, especially since you caused this." He just looked at me like I was stupid or I was speaking another language.
"Wait, how did I cause sickness, cravings, and weight gain? As far as I'm concerned, that's all the female's fault." he said slyly. I cannot believe he just said that to me. My lips started to quiver, and the next thing I knew, I was in a full rack of sobs. I couldn't control them and I couldn't stop.
"Simonee, stop crying or your going to make yourself sick." Aaron growled, smiling to save face in front of all these people. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I told myself I wasn't going to go this far, but I've had it!
"Ohh, puh-leez! This is totally all your fault, or did you forget about all my 'punishments'?" I yelled, but I yelled it a little too loudly. The whole side of the restaurant we were seated on seemed to get quiet and look at us. I lowered my head in shame and began to cry softly. Aaron looked around and pretended to be busied by something else. Finally, Janae couldn't take it anymore and spoke up.
"Look, Aaron. She told me what you do to her and I think it's best that you help her, considering that it does take two to tango and she can't just lay on top of herself and get pregnant." she said, getting irritated. Aaron sat there for a minute, but then his facial expression change to deep anger. I looked up at him and scooted back in my seat.
"Did you tell her?" he asked, getting furious. I just looked away and stared at the floor.
"Did you tell her?" he asked again, except this time his teeth were clenched and his fists were balled up on the table. I paniced, put my hands over my mouth, and speed-walked to the bathroom. Aaron jumped up and ran after me. When I walked in there, there was a group of old women in there, talking about God knows what. They just stared at my belly. I didn't want to be rude, so I just walked slowly into the bathroom stall. After I heard the stall door click, all the ladies left. After I sat down, I heard the door open again and someone was banging on my stall door.
"Hey! Occupado, occupado! Can't you see I'm busy in here?" I screamed.
"Simonee, did you tell her?! I told you what would happen if you told, didn't I?" he yelled from outside the stall. I didn't want to answer because I was too scared and nervous. When I get really nervous, I tend to gag. But this time, I threw up my pancakes and doughnuts. It came out chunky and watery, like Campell's soup. I thought I was done until I heaved up my grapes from earlier. I flushed it down, trying to get rid of the smell.
"SIMONEE! OPEN THE FUCKIN DOOR!" he yelled again. I slowly reached for the handle until he kicked it open. Then he grabbed me up and shook me by my shoulders.
"You tryna get me in trouble? Hunh, is that what you're tryna do?!" he yelled.
"No! I was telling her that you do love me and how you made good love to me on my first time! I've missed that and I've missed you so, so much!" I cried, kissing him all over his face. He didn't smile at me. I could tell he wasn't buying it, so I just stopped and walked slowly out the bathroom, feeling like a zombie. I went to join Janae at the table, who was putting Chenille in her carseat.
"Thanks alot, dickheads! I ended up having to pay for the meal because you two decided to go pay tag in the IHOP!" she growled, glaring at me. I wanted to apologize, but I don't think it would've made a difference. "Come on, Simonee! I promised Mom that I'd watch you today so let's go." she said sternly. I walked the IHOP quietly, not looking up at Aaron, who was standing there and staring at me.

*************************
"Oh, come on, Simonee! Why does it matter? I was trying to back YOU up, and this is the thanks I get? No freakin' way, Jose!" Janae whisper-yelled at me as we entered our apartment hallway. Not much is going on in the hallways this time of year. During the summertime cookouts, the boys are gambling here and the girls are hanging with their man. So, the only noise in this hallway is us and Mandy, the neighborhood homeless women. I don't know much about her, but the stories I've heard are really frightening.
"I didn't ask you to help me, Janae! And I-" I shouted, before Janae interrupted me.
"Shut up! Do you want to wake up Chenille and Mandy? If you wake up Chenille, I will kill you. If you wake up Mandy, I won't be alive to kill you and you won't be alive to give birth!" she whisper-yelled again. Suddenly, we heard shuffling coming from the side of the stairs. But we just ignored it and continued our argument,
"Don't you cut me off! I was handling things just fine on my own and you came and had to pull up my dirty little secret." I said, placing my hands on my hips.
"Well, that was a horrible way to handle that."
"And just who the hell do you think you are, some type of love guru or romance expert now? Last time i checked, you couldnt even keep a man!"
"Oh, really? That's funny because last time I checked, I could keep my baby daddy and my baby." I sat there astounded at what my sister just said to me. We just kept going at it until we heard the shuffling stop and a woman appeared. She was dark with gray and black curly hair, who was wearing a Bill Cosby styled sweater, a pair of paint stained overalls, two jackets, gloves, and mountain boots. She looked like she was in her late 50's or early 60's and she just kept staring at us.
"Well, hello girls!" she said, smiling at us and showing her crocodile smile. We screamed at the top of our lungs.
"OPEN THE DOOR!" I screamed as Janae scrambled with her keys. She finally got the door open and rushed inside. When I finally shut the door, I heard my mother's heels stomping on the floor before I saw her face. She was talking to someone on her blutooth and looked very angry. Although she wasn't talking to me, her glare was fixed on me, making me feel very uncomfortable. As soon as the conversation stopped, she took out a bottle of wine and poured herself a glass, which is rare because my mother on drinks at weddings.
"Mom, are you okay?" I asked, sitting across from her at the kitchen table.
"Oh, hi, Simonee! I didn't see you there, sweetie." she said, taking a sip of her drink. Then she got up and got another glass. She poured some wine in the glass and pushed it towards me. When I pushed it back to her, she shrugged and drank it.
"Are you sure that you're okay?" I asked again. Usually, she doesn't drink to glasses at a time, so something is up.
"No. My damn secretary's intern is pregnant and wants to go on maternity leave during one of the biggest cases I've had all year. Who in the hell asked if you wanted to go on maternity leave? I'll tell you: not a damn soul! I understand that you have to allow pregnant woman to go on leave, but she's not a woman; she's 16 years old. Isn't that ridiculous?" she yelled, pouring another drink. "I'm just going to warn you ahead of time: don't you ever get pregnant. It's a miracle, creating a life and all, but what comes afterwards will either make you or break you. Just ask your sister. When I was pregnant with her and you, I went through this cycle. All women do; I call it the 'three month cycle'. Here's how it goes: three months cheery, three months weary, three months dreary." she laughed. I didn't really feel comfortable having this conversation, considering the fact that I was pregnant. But she got us on this topic and I wanted to know alot more.
"Which parts can break you?" I asked
"Hmm, well let's see...after you give birth, it kinda hurts to move, no sex for awhile, the constant crying, the constant diaper changes, breast feeding, no sleep, etc. The list is endless. Oh, and there's also the other two things: the hospital bills and the boy drama. After I had you, your father decided that he didn't want to take care of us anymore and left when you were two." she said, still holding the drink. When I looked at her, she looked angry and sad. I winder what it must've felt like when he left her with two kids and nothing more. We sat there for a while in silence, but she got up and left to her room, taking the wine bottle with her and turning on an old r&b cd. After slamming her door shut and locking it, I sat in the kitchen in silence for a few minutes. I didn't want to talk to Janae & Aaron was mad at me, so I didn't really knowwhat to do. I didn't want to sit here in this gloomy house either, so I grabbed my tote & pulled out my cell phone. As I waited for the line to stop ringing, I looked into my wallet: $250. Suddenly, the person on the other line picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hey, T. It's Simonee. Wanna go somewhere?"