Rocking The House

I woke up with a pounding headache and a sore ass. I hardly ever drank, let alone got drunk, so hangovers didn't happen to me very often. I couldnt decide what hurt more. My pounding head or my throbbing ass. I groaned as i rubbed my butt. I was enticed out of bed by the smell of bacon filtering through the house. I sat up, put my head in my hands to get my bearings and then pulled on a pair of sweats. I padded towards the kitchen and found Jack and Jordan sitting at the kitchen table, each nursing a cup of coffee. Linda was at the stove making a full grease hangover breakfast for us.
"Morning." I said as I entered the kitchen.
"How's your big butt feeling? Jack asked.
"It's pretty freakin' sore." I got up out of my chair and pulled down my pants. "What do you think? Is it bruised?" I looked over at Jack and Jordan for confirmation. When I looked at them they were wide eyed and both of them just shook their heads feverishly. Not for once second did I believe them, so I turned my behind to Linda. "Mrs. Staal, how badly is it bruised?"
"Oh sweetie, you're going to need some ice on that and a few Tylenol's." She said as she came to get a closer look. I pulled my pants back up and headed towards the bathroom. I needed to see it for myself. When I looked in the mirror I was horrified. My whole right cheek was a mess of purple and blue and black. "Jack!" I yelled from the bathroom. "You are so fucking dead! You mutilated me!" I pulled my pants back up and headed back towards the kitchen. Jack and Jordan were trying to keep their giggles to themselves but I could hear them all the way down the hallway.

I slumped down at the kitchen table and helped myself to a handful of bacon and a cup of coffee. "Hey Sid, I'm sorry bro, I didn't know that would happen." Jack apologized.
"Yeah, how many of your friends have you hit in the ass with a pellet gun?"
"Just one." He tried to keep his laugh in.
"Right." I stabbed my fork into my eggs and began chewing. We ate our breakfast in silence as I tried to come up with a payback for Jack.

Shortly after breakfast Henry walked in. "Good morning boys. Or should I say afternoon, it's already lunch time. I hope you get on your Barn Duty sooner rather than later, and you need to bring the backhoe in from the field somehow too."
Linda looked over at us and we all just gave her an innocent, "I don't know what he's talking about look"

"What kind of trouble did you boys get into last night?" She asked.
"Jack shot me in the ass." I said
"Jordan stole the backhoe and it ran out of gas." Jack spoke before Jordan could. He nudged Jack in the ribs.
"It was all Sid's idea. He wanted to go cow tipping but I told him that was impossible." Jordan said, giving his mom an innocent smile.
"Yes, my idea was to go cow tipping but it was your idea to shoot guns and take the farm equipment!"
We sounded like siblings trying to get eachother into trouble.
"Hmm, well seems that Barn Duty is in order then. Go get dressed ." She commanded us as she handed me a bag of ice.

We geared up and trudged out into the barn. As soon as we entered the smell of the manure went to my head and I felt like I was going to hurl. I'm not sure how we were going to manage this task. Jack couldn't do much since he couldn't really bend and shovel, Jordan had a broken hand, a lot of good that would do us, and I had an ass cheek the size of texas that burned everytime my pants rubbed against it. That, combined with the smell made it a task that I wanted over sooner rather than later. I grabbed a pitch fork and started shoveling, throwing the shit into the wheelbarrow. I looked over at Jack and Jordan who were sitting on the hay stack watching me.
"Are you going to help or just sit there and watch me?"
"Looks like you've got this under control Sid, we can supervise." Jack replied.
Really? Did Jack just say that to me? Fucking douche, first he shoots me in the ass and then he sits on his ass and watches me shovel shit. I don't think so. Before I realized what I was doing I picked up a shovel of manure and turned towards Jack and Jordan.
"Hey Jack." I said as I smiled at him.
"Yeah?"
"Eat Shit!" I brought the full shovel up to my shoulder and flung it's contents right at Jack. I gotta say my aim with the shovel was much more accurate that my aim with the gun. The shit hit him face and before he knew what had happened I took off out of the barn. One second later I heard him.
"What the Fuck Crosby!! You just threw shit at my face! Get back here and face me like a man!"
Ah Shit, he was pissed. I poked my head back into the shed and I saw Jack grabbing a rag to wipe his face. What I didn't see was Jordan hiding behind the door. As I walked back into the barn Jordan hit me in the face with a pile of poop.

What was supposed to have been a simple payback had turned into a full fledge shit throwing fight. I was in the middle of giving Jordy his own manure face wash when I heard.

"Ah hem"

We all dropped what was in our hands and turned towards the door. Henry was standing there, arms crossed.

"Shit." Jordan said as he lowered his shovel. "Hi dad."

"Jordy, what the hell is going on?"

"Yeah, um dad, we were just um, cleaning up. Doing Barn duty like you asked." Jordan tried to be as innocent as possible.

"Hmm, last time I checked Barn Duty didn't include throwing shit at each other." He was smiling and I breathed a sigh of relief. "Hurry up and finish up in here, dinner is almost ready." He said as he headed back towards the house.

An hour later we thought we were finally done when we realized we still had to find a way to bring the backhoe in from the field.

"Jordan, how the fuck do we get the backhoe out of the field?" I asked.

"Oh that'll easy. We'll grab a jerry can and take dad's truck out there. Then one of you will have to drive the truck back while I bring in the backhoe. If we go now we should be done in like half an hour."

"Good, cuz I'm hungry." Jack said as he grabbed a jerry fan from the barn shelf.

"You're always hungry man. And dude, you stink." I said as I opened the truck door.

"Man, we all stink." Jordan said as he started the truck.

When we finally arrived back at the house Linda insisted that we all shower before we even think of setting foot in her dining room. I had never wanted a shower more in life.

When we were all showered and presentable we sat down to dinner. Linda had gone all out with roast beef with all the trimmings. I felt like a king.
"Thank you for everything, the past couple days have been great." I said before digging into my mashed potatoes.
"Oh, you boys know you are always welcome here." Linda smiled at me. "As much trouble as you may get into, it can't be nearly as bad as what we have had to deal with between Jordan and his brothers. At least you guys didn't burn down the barn or break any windows."

"True story!" Jordan laughed. "Marc and Eric nearly burned the barn down one night trying to light off fireworks, and I broke the garage window."

By the time dinner was over I was exhausted. I never really fully recovered from the night before and the throbbing in my ass had returned.

"Jack, we need to figure out what our plan is for tomorrow. Where are we going and what are we going to do?" I said as I went to the medicine cabinet to get some more Tylenol for my ass.
"You're in charge Sid, I'm just along for the ride."
"I'm pretty sure that Montreal is on town to play the Leafs" on Saturday night and I'd love to see Colby. Maybe we'll go as far as The Sault tomorrow then."
"The Sault?"
"Sault Saint Marie. Not a whole lot happening there but it's half way. " I said as I swallowed the pills. I couldn't wait for them to kick in.
"Alright then buddy. Bring on the Sault!" Jack teased as he shut the door to his bedroom.