Get Your Kicks

If there was ever a time when I had felt like totally shit, it was when I thought about Zayn. Every time I thought of him, I felt like the worse kind of person. Zayn had a girlfriend, and no matter how he felt about that girlfriend – whether he did or didn’t love her – it wasn’t right for me to flirt with him. It especially wasn’t right for me to kiss him. Everything about it was wrong, wrong, wrong.

I knew how awful it was that I’d gotten as close to him as I did, and even though I hated myself for it, there was still something about the thought of him that sent the butterflies in my stomach in a whirlwind and I had no clue what to do about it.

Sighing, I ducked her head into her and took the deepest breaths I could. I needed to clear my head, but every time I tried, I only thought of Zayn and the girlfriend he had waiting for him.

A soft knock fell to my door, interrupting me from my thoughts. I hoped and prayed that it would be one of the girls, but they each had a key to the room, so deep down, I knew that it wasn’t.

I elected to stay quiet in hopes that the knocker would simply go away, but of course, I wasn’t that lucky.

“Healey, I know you’re in there.”

The sound of Zayn’s voice caused a lump to form in my throat and I wanted desperately to send him away. I was trying to figure out exactly what was going on with him, so he was the last person that I needed to talk to.

“Healey, come on,” he called again. “Just let me in.”

“Go away, Zayn.”

There was a long pause and for a moment I thought he had listened.

“Please, Healey, just talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Why not?”

I let out a deep sigh and shoved my head further into the pillow. A part of me was angry that it was so difficult to get rid of him, but a bigger part of me was happy about it. As confused as I was, I still wanted to see him, even though I wouldn’t admit.

After a long pause, I finally gathered up the courage to head to the door, walking as slowly as I could. I still wanted to make him wait.

When I pulled the door open just enough that I could peek behind it, I was met with Zayn’s honey eyes, which looked both soft and upset. I kept one hand on the door and the other on the wall, with my stance signaling that he wasn’t invited in.

“Will you please talk to me?” he asked.

“About what?”

“About earlier,” he said, as he bit his lip. “Everything was going fine. Well, perfect really. And then all of a sudden you just up and left without so much as an explanation.”

I sighed, shaking my head. He clearly didn’t get it. He didn’t understand why I would be so upset about kissing him while he had a girlfriend. Did he even care about what he’d done? He had to know it was wrong.

“If you really need an explanation, then I don’t think I have anything more to say to you.”

Zayn’s eyes went blank, and it was obvious that my words had hurt him. I had partially intended for them to, but another part of me didn’t like seeing him upset. He had deserved it though.

“It’s about Perrie, isn’t it?”

“Oh, you mean your girlfriend?”

My voice was a lot harsher than I had intended, and it was obvious he was taken aback by it. His eyes blinked several times, while his mouth was slightly agape. He stood like that for a moment, before finally snapping out of his daze and speaking again.

“It’s complicated, Healey,” he said, rubbing his head with the back of his hand.

“Isn’t it always?” I chuckled, rolling my eyes and letting my inner sass come through. I moved my hand to close the door in his face, but he pressed his hand against it to stop me.

“Please, Zayn,” I continued, my eyes pleading with his. “I just need some time to think.”

He simply nodded and stepped to the side, signaling that it was alright for me to shut the door. Just as I was pressing it closed, he spoke up, his voice so soft I could barely hear it.

“I’m sorry, Healey. I really am.”