You Belong With Me

I bit my lip as I anxiously waited for Lewis to show up. He’d phoned me asking to meet up because there was something important he needed to talk to me about. I’d only been home for a day from university, so I knew it must be urgent. Lewis had been my best friend since we started middle school. We’d always shared everything with each other, our parents always moaned that we were joined at the hip. But we didn’t care; we liked it that way. We were inseparable, always in synch. I came out first, when we were 15 and then Lewis came out 2 years later. That’s when things started to get weird between us.

I’d never had a boyfriend because I’d assumed that the one boy I wanted was straight. And I thought that when Lewis came out, I’d be able to ask him to be my boyfriend. But before I could up the nerve to tell him how I felt and ask him, he’d found someone else. His name was Tony and while Lewis seemed to be crazy about him, I hated him. And it wasn’t just because he’d stolen Lewis away from me. He just wasn’t a very nice person; he smoked (which was an instant turn off for me), he drank too much when we all went out, he swore every other word, and I really didn’t like the way he treated Lewis. It was as though Lewis was Tony’s slave, “Lewis, get me a drink,” “Lewis, make me something to eat,” “Lewis, make sure you do the laundry tonight.” They’d been together for a year. I didn’t understand how Lewis put up with it. I’d try pointing it out, but whenever I suggested that Tony wasn’t as perfect as Lewis thought he was, Lewis just became defensive. He’d say I’m just jealous because I was nearly 20 years old and still had never had a boyfriend. I often gave up, though I still didn’t like Tony. They’d moved in together as soon as we finished school, only 4 months after they met. I went to university but Lewis decided not to go. I wasn’t sure whether it was because he didn’t want to or Tony didn’t want him to. But I wasn’t going to ask.

I was kind of hoping that Lewis wanted to meet so urgently to tell me he’d broken up with Tony and he’d realised how he felt about me. I knew it was wishful thinking, but it’s all I had. I tapped my fingers on my mug as I waited, wondering what was going to happen. I straightened when I saw Lewis through the window and then deflated when I saw Tony. Well, they hadn’t broken up… Lewis came through the door first and grinned when he saw me. I felt my breath catch in my lungs. He was so gorgeous. When he smiled like that, twin dimples appeared in the centre of his cheeks that made him look so utterly adorable. He had honey-blond hair that he’d taken to straightening since he’d started going out with Tony, though I preferred it natural with a slight wave. He was slightly shorter than me, but only by an inch or so. It was the perfect height to me. And his eyes were a startling blue, sort of the colour of the sea at an exotic island. I could so easily get lost in those eyes and not even give a damn.

“Hey, Dean,” Lewis said, sitting down opposite me. Tony said beside him. I’d kind of hoped it would just be the two of us; I hadn’t really seen Lewis in over 2 months. I was going insane with the lack of contact with my best friend and the boy who I was madly in love with.
“Hey, Lewis,” I smiled, choosing just to ignore Tony’s presence. I knew it was rude and Lewis didn’t like it when I did that, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t seen Lewis in ages and I’d wanted some one-on-one time and I hadn’t got it.
“We’ve got some news,” Lewis said with a smile. I frowned and glanced over at Tony, whose face was expressionless. I turned back to Lewis, who was still beaming.
“Okay,” I said.
“We’re engaged,” he said. It was like someone had poured a bucket of ice cold water over me. I froze for a moment as I processed the words and then I blinked and swallowed.
“Oh,” I whispered. I frowned and shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around it. Lewis was engaged…he was going to get married to Tony. “Okay,” I said.
“Okay?” Lewis asked with a frown. “Is that all you’ve got to say?” I looked at him but just looking at him made me want to cry. I moved my attention to Tony who was just sitting there, playing with his packet of cigarettes, apparently utterly bored with the conversation.
“Yeah,” I said, standing up and leaving the café.

I headed down the street, taking deep breaths. He was engaged. He was engaged. I didn’t want to go home and have to face my parents and their questions, so I just continued wandering about. I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket but I ignored it. It would be Lewis and I didn’t want to talk to him. I knew I ought to be happy for him if he was happy, but I just wasn’t. How could I be happy if he wanted someone else? I mean, I knew he liked Tony but I hadn’t realised he loved him, and I’d been holding out on the hope that he’d come to his senses and break up with him. And then I would have been able to tell him how I felt and all would be right in the world.

Who was I kidding? Lewis didn’t like me. He was getting married. Clearly that meant he had no feelings for me whatsoever. Even if he and Lewis had broken up, he probably wouldn’t have wanted to be with me anyway.

I headed to the small den Lewis and I had made when we’d been younger. It was in the small woods behind me house and was made out of sheets of wood and logs surrounding a large tree trunk to form a small hut. Even when we’d first made it, it was pretty crappy and after all these years it was even worse. But I still crawled inside and sat on one of the larger roots of the tree. I leant my head against the tree trunk and sighed. Life was such a bitch. Why did I have to like him? It would be so much simpler if I didn’t. I could find some other guy and be happy. But I didn’t want some other guy, I wanted Lewis.

A little while later, I heard someone walking through the forest towards me and I sighed, knowing it would be Lewis. I just had to pray that Tony wasn’t with him. “Wow, this thing looks pretty miserable after all this time,” Lewis said from the other side of the logs that formed one of the walls. I didn’t say anything. Lewis came to the door and ducked down to get inside. He glanced at me before taking a seat on a root next to me. “So, why’d you run off?” he asked and I sighed.
“Lewis…I’m not sure we can be friends anymore,” I said, standing and leaving the hut. This was possibly the hardest thing I’d ever have to do in my life and I didn’t want to do it sitting in a cramped wooden den.
“What?” he asked, jumping out after me. “What are you talking about?”
“I just…I can't do it,” I whispered.
“Because I’m engaged?” he asked, clearly confused. “Because I’m engaged to Tony? I know you don’t really like him, but I thought you’d be happy for me.”
“If you’re happy, then, yeah, I’m happy for you,” I said. “But I…I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?” he asked.
“Be around you,” I said and Lewis frowned, clearly hurt.
“Why not?” he whispered.
“You don’t want to know the answer to that,” I told him, turning away. “So just drop it. I’m sorry it turned out this way, you have no idea how much, but I just can't sit here and watch you with him.”
“Dean…you’re my best friend,” he whispered and I squeezed my eyes shut.
“I know,” I sighed.
“Please just…explain it to me,” he said desperately. I turned to him and gazed into his eyes.
“I can't,” I said.
“Yes you can, just tell me!” he said, raising his voice slightly. Without even really considering what I was doing, I leant forward and pressed my lips against his. It was pretty much exactly how I’d imagined it would be. My eyes slid shut and I could see fireworks on the inside of my eyelids. Lewis’ lips fit perfectly with me and for a second I felt him kiss me back before I pulled away. I wouldn’t let myself read anything into this kiss.
“That’s why,” I said. I looked into Lewis’ eyes, and he just stared at me, before turning and walking away.

He didn’t stop me or call me or chase after me that time. I didn’t blame him. I’d freaked him out, I knew. I finally went home and straight up to my room. I ignored my parents’ greetings and I knew my mum would moan at me for being rude, but I didn’t care. I had way too much on my mind.

About an hour later, my phone buzzed signalling a text message. I kind of didn’t want to read it, but I couldn’t help it. We need to talk. It was from Lewis, as I knew it would be. I sighed deeply before replying that I agreed. I’ll be over in 2 mins. I frowned at the suddenness of this, I wasn’t sure whether I was ready to talk about it just yet, but I guess I didn’t have much of a choice.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, the doorbell rang. I didn’t get up, because I knew my mum would answer the door and tell Lewis to go up to my room, so I just sat on my bed and waited. I heard Lewis coming up the stairs and then he opened my door and quickly closed it behind him. He stared at me for a moment before sitting on my desk chair. “What’s going on, Dean?” he asked and I sighed.
“It’s pretty obvious, isn't it?” I asked, glancing up at him.
“Tell me,” he said and I lowered my head and focused my gaze on my hands in my lap.
“I, um, I like you,” I whispered. “As more than a friend.” I decided to just leave it at that and waited for Lewis’ response. I bit my lip hard, chewing at the skin.
“How…long have you felt like that?” he asked and I sighed.
“Um, always, I guess,” I shrugged.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked and I glanced at him with an incredulous look.
“When would I have had the chance?” I asked. “When I came out, I thought you were straight and I definitely wasn’t going to ruin our friendship by telling you that I liked you. And then when you came out…you immediately got with Tony and I didn’t want to…complicate things.” Lewis was silent for a minute and shook his head.
“I can't believe this,” he whispered. “You should have told me.” I stayed quiet. I had my reasons for not telling him that were perfectly reasonable in my opinion.
“It doesn’t even matter, you’re with Tony,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. “You’re engaged. I’m happy for you. I just need to move on and…I can't do that if we stay friends.” Lewis stayed quiet for a moment before standing up suddenly.
“How could you do this to me, Dean?” he asked and I frowned, taken about by his outburst. “Do you have any idea how hard this has been for me?”
“For you!” I cried, standing up and getting on the defensive. “I’m the one who’s had to watch you for the last year be with some other guy.”
“But you had your chance to tell me!” he said desperately, turning to look up into my eyes. I froze on the spot when his wide eyes met mine. “You’d been out for 2 years! I thought that if you had any feelings for me, you would have told me when you told me you were gay!”
“What?” I asked, confused.
“I waited for years for you,” he said. “But you never said anything.”
“You were straight!” I cried. “I thought you’d hate me if I told you! Hang on…you…what?”
“I thought you knew,” he said quietly. “I mean…I was always touching you, always flirting with you. I didn’t…I only came out as a formality, to my parents and people at school…I thought you knew.” I shook my head slowly. “It broke my heart every day when I realised that you didn’t return my feelings…so I came out and got a boyfriend. I knew I had to…do what I could to get over you.”
“Wait,” I said, closing my eyes for a second. “You…you liked me?” Lewis laughed weakly.
“Yeah,” he whispered.
“Well, why didn’t you tell me!?” I asked him. I was starting to get frustrated – not at Lewis, but just at the whole situation. Lewis had liked me and I’d completely missed it.
“I dunno, I mean, you’re the brave one so I figured that if you did like me, then you would have said so,” he said and I sighed.

I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging slightly. I glanced at him and felt my heart melt just a bit. The temptation to take him in my arms and kiss him was so overwhelming, but it wasn’t that easy.
“You’re engaged,” I whispered and Lewis nodded.
“Yeah,” he whispered back. We both stood silently, trying to process.
“So…do you still have feelings for me?” I asked cautiously.
“You can't ask me that!” he said. “I’m with Tony now and I…I…” I took a small step closer to him and his eyes jumped up to meet mine.
“You know how I feel about you,” I said gently. “So how do you feel about me?”
“I…I love you,” he whispered and my heart leapt in my chest. I took another step forward so I was directly in front of him. I raised my hand and cupped his cheek gently.
“You do?” I whispered.
“I always have,” he said and I shook my head before pulling him into a tight embrace.
“I love you, too,” I whispered. “So much.” Lewis’ arms went around my waist tightly as he buried his face in my neck. My nose landed in Lewis’ soft hair and I breathed in his familiar smell. We stood like that for a moment before Lewis pulled away.
“I feel kind of bad for Tony,” he whispered and I frowned.
“Why, he’s an arsehole,” I said and Lewis pursed his lips to keep from smiling. “He never deserved someone like you.”
“And you do?” he asked with a teasing smile.
“I’m damn sure gonna try to deserve you,” I said and Lewis smiled.
“You know…our kiss earlier was kinda rushed,” he said and I couldn’t help but smile. “Do you think we could maybe try it again?” It was so, so tempting to just close the gap between us and kiss him again, properly this time, but I couldn’t.
“Not like this,” I whispered. I raised my hand and ran my fingertips over his cheek. “Not when you’re engaged to someone else.” He sighed and nodded.
“Okay,” he whispered. “I don’t even know what’s going to happen…I’m gonna have to move back in with my parents.”
“That’s not the end of the world,” I told him. “You’re only 18, its normal to still be living with your parents at that age.”
“Hmm,” he mumbled. “It’s gonna be so weird living with them again.” I looked at for a moment before taking his hand in mine.
“Is this what you want?” I whispered and Lewis looked up at me in confusion.
“Of course,” he smiled. “You were always my first choice.” I smiled gently and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Okay, I’ll call you when I’m done,” he said softly and I nodded.
“Good luck,” I said softly. Lewis smiled gently and hugged me once more before leaving.

I sat on my bed, anxiously waiting for Lewis to come back or to phone me or something. Almost 2 hours had passed before I heard a knock on the door. My parents had gone to bed, so I quickly jumped up and ran downstairs. I pulled open the door and sucked in a sharp breath at the sight that met my eyes. “Oh, my God, Lewis,” I said, quickly stepping forward to support him. He was crying and already had a bruise forming around his eye. As soon as my arms were around him, Lewis started sobbing and leant into me. I gently pulled him into the house and we went into the living room and sat on the sofa. I held him tightly as he continued to cry, desperately fighting my own tears. “What happened?” I whispered after a long while. Lewis’ tears had died down slightly and I felt it was safe to ask.
“I…I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore,” he whispered, his voice rough from crying. “And…he hit me.” I clenched my hands into fists, wanting nothing more than to go find Tony and beat the life out of him. But Lewis needed me right now.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. Lewis shifted closer to me and then onto my lap and curled into my chest.
“Don’t let go,” he whispered and I smiled softly as I placed a kiss to his temple.
“Never,” I whispered.

We went up to my room a little while later and immediately curled up in bed together. We were both still fully dressed but neither of us cared. Lewis was as close to me as possible, his head on my shoulder, when he finally drifted off to sleep. Once I knew he wasn’t going to be waking up for a while, I let my own tears fall. Lewis had got hurt because of me. I should have gone with him, I should have made sure he was safe. I knew Tony was a dick and I’d still let Lewis go to him on his own. I was a terrible boyfriend already and we hadn’t even been together a day…

“Dean,” Lewis whispered and I quickly wiped at my tears.
“Yeah?” I whispered, looking down at him. His eyes were still closed but I knew he was awake.
“Please don’t be upset,” he mumbled.
“How can I not be?” I asked. “He hit you because of me…”
“No,” Lewis said, shaking his head and opening his eyes. “This isn't your fault, it’s his. He…he’s done it before.”
“What!?” I cried, sitting up and pushing Lewis away from me slightly. “When?”
“Just…whenever he gets angry,” he said and I swallowed thickly.
“He was always angry, Lewis,” I said slowly and Lewis shrugged. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I could handle it,” he said. “I knew you’d tell me to break up with him. And…he wanted me when I thought you didn’t. I just wanted someone to want me.” I shook my hand and ran my fingers through my hair. I immediately reached for Lewis again and pulled him tightly against my chest.
“I’m so, so sorry, Lewis,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”
“I didn’t expect you to,” he shrugged as he settled in my embrace.
“Still…I should have,” I said. Lewis pulled his head back and looked up at me.
“Kiss me,” he whispered. I frowned slightly. It was the best of situations in which to have our first real kiss, but I just couldn’t refuse him. I slowly leant forward and pressed my lips against his. Feeling him immediately kiss me back, just as passionately, made my heart swell.
“I love you so much,” I whispered against his lips.
“I love you, too,” he whispered, pecking my lips once again. “Try and get some sleep.” I nodded and we laid back down, Lewis back in his place curled up against my side. I smiled softly and ran my fingers through his soft hair before eventually falling asleep.

The following morning, I woke up to realise that Lewis was already awake. “Will you come with me to get my stuff from Tony’s?” he whispered and I immediately nodded.
“Of course,” I said. No way was I going to let him go back there on his own. We spent most of the morning in bed, not saying much, just revelling in the fact that we were finally together. I could hardly even believe it; after all this time, I could finally hold Lewis in my arms, I could kiss him, I could call him mine. “Will you be my boyfriend?” I asked quietly and Lewis pulled back to look down at me, a wide smile pulling at his lips.
“Yes,” he smiled, as he leant forward and kissed me. I grinned into the kiss and wrapped my arms around him tightly.

We went over to Lewis’ flat later that day. Tony wasn’t in, which I was glad about, so we quickly packed up Lewis’ things. He didn’t want to take all that much, mostly just clothes, his laptop, and dvds. He left all of the kitchen stuff behind, as he didn’t need it anyway. “Do you think we’ve got everything?” I asked as I closed the lid of the boot on the car.
“Yeah,” he nodded as he got in the front seat. I got in the car as well and reached over to squeeze his hand. “I’m glad that part of my life is over.” I smiled at him and gently pecked his lips.
“I’ll never let him or anyone hurt you ever again,” I whispered.
“I know,” he whispered, leaning into me.
“Have you spoken to your parents?” I asked as I ran my fingers through his hair.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I phoned them, they know I’m coming home.” I nodded and pulled away.
“Let’s get you home then,” I smiled, turning the car on.
“Thank you, Dean,” he said gently and I smiled as I pulled into the traffic.
“Anytime, baby,” I smiled. Lewis smiled softly and then turned to look out the window.

I knew things might get kind of hard when I went back to university, but we’d work it out. Now that I had Lewis, I definitely wasn’t letting go.