When Night Breaks

As the months with Jay increased, the amount of time I was spending with my friends had steadily decreased. I wasn’t purposely ignoring them; I just knew that the time I spent with Jay was precious.

None the less, when Rose invited me out for a girls’ night with Jolene, Lacey, and herself, I accepted. Deep down, I knew a night with my girlfriends would be time well spent. The plan was to meet at Rose’s house for pizza and a movie and of course a little gossip in between. The plan didn’t include Jay stopping by my apartment 10 minutes before I had to leave.

I was digging through my closet trying to find my favorite sweater when his knock at the balcony door made me jump. Knowing that he knew I was inside – and the fact I could never ignore him – I went and opened the door.

“Hey,” he said with a smile. “What you up to?”

“I’m actually fixing to leave.”

“You need me to go?” he asked.

“No, you can stay. You can actually help me find my sweater,” I smiled big and raised my eyebrows.

Jay walked over to my closest and chuckled.

“What? What’s funny?” I asked.

“Samantha, you call this a closet? How do you find anything?”

I peered into the closest and sighed. It was a mess; mismatched shoes scattered the floor, scarves were hanging everywhere, and the clothes had little order to them.

“You’re right, I’ll clean it out when I get home. But right now, focus on finding my white sweater.”

“This one?” Jay handed me a cardigan.

“No, that’s beige. I want the white one.”

He turned around and took a step towards me. Shaking his head he kissed my forehead.

“You’re on your own on this one,” he laughed. “I think the beige sweater would look fine.”

I slipped it on and turned in a complete circle, fake modeling my outfit.

“Perfect,” he gave a thumbs up. “Now, why don’t you take it off a second?”

He put his hands around my waist and leaned in to kiss my neck.

“Jay!” I slapped his arm.

“I’m kidding,” he began laughing again. “I just like giving you a hard time.”

“In any event! I do have to go. I should be home by 11 or 12 or so if you want to come back.”

“Alright, it’s a date. Have fun,” he said without even asking where I was going or what I was going to be doing.

I suppose he knew he had nothing to worry about.



“Sam, you’re late!” Rose yelled out as I entered her apartment.

“Yeah, my bad, “ I replied, offering no explanation.

Three pizza boxes sat on her counter tempting and inviting. However, I thought two pizzas would be plenty.

“Help yourself to some food,” said Jolene.

“The top one’s empty, we started without you,” Lacey added.

I got a paper plate, two slices of peperoni pizza, and a root beer from the refrigerator. Taking a seat on the sectional couch, I was ready for a fun girls’ night in. We laughed, gossiped, and ate – especially ate – until almost 11 o’clock. I hated to keep Jay waiting any longer than I had to, but I was having a lot of fun. Until the conversation shifted to my relationship status.

“Sammy, you think you could find you a date by next week?” Jolene asked.

“Next week? What are you talking about?” I retorted.

“We’ve got a plan to go on a big group date to the movies,” answered Rose.

“A group date?”

“Yeah. Corey and I have been getting pretty close, Rose is talking to Isaiah and Lacey and Clay are still an item. Only person who needs a date is you.”

I could hear the rhythmic ticking of the kitchen clock as I stared blankly at my three friends. I simply had no words. Jay Reese – no matter how hard I wanted him to be – was not an option when it came to late night movie dates.

“Well?” Rose asked. “Think you can find anyone?”

“Guys, I don’t think…”

“You could take that little guy you took to Rush!” suggested Rose.

“Oh, my cousin is in town, you could take him!” Jolene piped up.

“Jo, your cousin’s still in high school!”

“He’s a senior and he’s 18!”

“Guys…” I tried to interject but I couldn’t get a word in. Finally, I yelled out.

“Hey! Guys, you don’t have to try to find me a date. I’m not really feeling a group movie date, anyway.”

They all stared at me in confusion. Dating was at the bottom of my list. To be honest, it wasn’t even on my list at all. Jay and I had something that they would never understand, even I was allowed to tell them. I knew I had to silently suffer through the barrage of questions and antics about relationships.

“When was the last time you actually had a boyfriend?” Jolene asked.

“I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, just none here recently. And since when is that such a bad thing?”

“It’s not a bad thing, Sammy, but don’t you get lonely?”

No one in the room understood loneliness the way that I did. True loneliness was sitting outside in the wintry air waiting for a man to climb up my balcony and steal a kiss under the moonlight. True loneliness was the nights he didn’t show and I worried that maybe someone had finally caught up to him. True loneliness was staring at a photograph of my dead brother and crying myself to sleep, only to find him waiting in my dreams. I didn’t dare answer out loud to Jolene, Rose, or even Lacey, but yeah, I did get lonely.

“No, I’m completely fine. If someone comes around, then fine. If not, that’s fine too. I appreciate the concern but I don’t feel like searching campus or town just to find someone to go to the movies with.”

I shot Lacey a look of desperation. It was an unspoken plea to help me; to change the subject or have my back. I hoped she wouldn’t recognize the look in my eyes.

She didn’t.

“Well, look, keep an eye out and just see what happens. Rosie mentioned taking Shane. You thought he was kinda cute, right?” Lacey asked.

I looked down, and felt that loneliness deep inside. I wanted so bad to stand up and scream at all of them and tell them about Jay. Tell them how amazing he was, what a great kisser he was, how extremely attractive he was, how his shirtless body looked the couple glimpse I got of it. I wanted to look at each of them and tell them how much in love I was.

Instead, I sighed heavily and looked at the three girls still snacking absent mindedly on cheese pizza.

“I’ll see what I can do,” I said, with no real intentions of doing it.

Once I agreed, the conversation shifted again to more lighthearted things. Midnight approached and I decided I should get back home to, hopefully, a waiting Jay. Lacey walked outside with me, and as we reached our cars, I turned and stared at her.

“Thanks for having my back in there,” I snapped sarcastically.

“What are you talking about?”

“They were hounding me about having a stupid date and you just went right along with them. You know my situation.”

“What? Your crush on Jay?”

“Crush?! No, a crush is what you have on Clay, what I have with Jay…” I regretted the words as soon as the spilled from my lips. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. It’s just, Jay and I do have something very special. It’s not just a silly crush, Lace.”

“Then tell them that.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Then maybe you should consider a different kind of relationship. Sammy, I liked Jay. Don’t get me wrong. He’s hot and he seems like a nice guy. But is that really a healthy relationship? Just think about it, please? I just want you happy,” she reached out to hug me, and I accepted the friendly embrace. We parted ways after assuring ourselves and each other that there were no hard feelings.

I drove back home in the dead silence of my car. My fingers didn’t even touch the radio dial. I rode the elevator up to my floor; the stairwell at night was rather creepy. I entered my apartment and flicked on the lights. I made my way into my bedroom and saw a figure outside on the balcony.

All my friends wanted was for me to be happy. And they all assumed I wasn’t. I opened the door and stepped out into the early December night. Jay smiled at me and without words I walked over and buried my head in his chest. He smelled like his usual cologne; a velvety smooth scent that was so familiar and vibrant to me.

I had my happiness. It existed as a man who never once let me forget what love truly was. It existed in tiny notes left on my balcony as invitations to secret meeting places. It existed in the form of a secret that someone trusted me enough to keep. It existed as the moonlight that transformed one man’s eyes into marbles of pure white.

“I love you, you know,” I said

“I love you too, Samantha,” he said, sweetly.

“No, I really love you. Like, as in forever,” I looked up him.

His eyes pulsed into a deep amber, before his lips met mine. He pulled away, looked down at me and whispered softly, his breath showing in the cold air.

“Forever, Samantha. Forever.”

Rose, Jolene, nor Lacey would ever understand that kind of happiness.