An Undead Boy

I am on edge. I have convinced Danielle to return to the library today. It is nearly two weeks since Mark and his friends almost caught us together and we haven't been back here in all that time. We have been meeting briefly before school at dawn but it these have always been extremely short because Danielle has to hurry back home before her family wakes up.

After going so long missing our talks, I decide that the risk is worth it.

Our spot in the library. The familiar books and dusty shelves provide me with a serene calmness and we relax back into our usual routine. We're quiet; Danielle is eating her lunch on the floor and I am in my chair, flicking through a book without a cover, trying to decipher what it is from the words printed on the yellowing pages.

However, my mind starts to wander to dark things and I thoughtlessly blurt out the constant musings that cram my mind from morning till night. I think my subconscious realises that I need to air these thoughts.

"I don't know where my life is going and that scares me. What can a fifteen year old boy achieve after school? I can't get a job. I can't get married or have kids. I have no direction. It's like - I'm trapped, I'm literally stuck between life and death and I don't belong in either of them."

Danielle is shocked at this damning speech but takes it in good stride. She delicately places the lid onto her sandwich box and shuffles on her spot on the floor to angle her body towards me.

"But Charlie; I don't know where my life is going either. I'm as scared as you are - "

"You have a future. You have possibilities. Don't try and tell me you know what this feels like because you don't. You have no idea." I snap, pushing my heavy body from the chair so that I can turn away from her.

This rage has appeared from nowhere and a small part of me feels ashamed that I am angry with her when all she is trying to do is to make me feel better.

"Look - I just need some time. I'll be back, okay? I'm just going for a walk." I say, still avoiding her gaze. If I turned to her, would I see pain? Confusion? Is she mad at me, too?

Danielle does not reply and I take this as a cue for me to leave. I think I know her well enough now to realise that this silence doesn't mean she is upset, more that she is giving me what I ask for. Her silence is an agreement and a comforting assurance, letting me know that she will be waiting here when I am ready to come back.

I hurry from the library with my bag in hand, for once feeling as if the room is too stuffy for me, and stride along the corridor. I have just past the place where Mark confronted us when I hear a noise.

"Charlie?" hisses a voice.

I start, unused to the low timbre of a male addressing me. I scan the corridor, searching for the occupant of the voice. It sounds oddly recognisable...

And then I spot him. James is half cowering behind a corner.

"J-James?" I gasp, hardly daring to believe what I am seeing. I step closer to him but he flinches, raising a hand to stop me.

"Just - just stay right there, okay? Please? I need to talk to you about Mark - "

I barely have time to feel the sting of rejection. Something he has said catches my attention.

"You need to talk to me about - "

"Yes, about Mark. He just - Look. This, all of this, just came as a huge shock to him. He was closer to you than he was to me and the news of you - um - turning, it really hit hard. But now he's acting weird and I think you should know that. I'm not defending him or what he's said or done or anything but you need to understand why." James whispers, his eyes darting around the empty corridor.

I notice his body instinctively shrinks away from my own and I try and not take it to heart. This is a lot for him to deal with so I wave him on, hoping that it comes across as encouraging.

"He just stopped calling for me before school. I think seeing you back, it kind of confirmed it all for him and he just, just snapped inside or something. He's joined this group of guys who really have it in for you - the whole school is terrified of you but these guys, they - they just...I think they want to hurt you, Charlie."

This information is too much for me to process. I consider the possibility of James lying to me, as some sort of trick or prank at my expense, but the sincerity in his voice and our history together makes me think again. James is not one to lie for his own amusement. He is doing this as a service to me, no matter how much we have both changed.

"Thank you. For warning me, that is. And for talking to me again, even if it might be for the last time." I tell him.

His face pales but he nods stiffly. He is making a move to leave when he suddenly catches himself and turns hesitantly back to me.

"Did it hurt?"

I lift my face to stare completely and totally at him for the first time throughout our conversation. Everything he has been hiding all this while has flooded into every pore, every crevice, every line of his being. He is oozing grief and loss and guilt. Every one around me is encapsulated in these weighty emotions and I am the cause of it all.

The truth to his question is: yes, it probably did hurt. But I cannot remember it. It's like I have stumbled into this new life without ever figuring out how I even got here. There is a link missing and no matter how hard my brain tries to dredge up that vital information, I always come up blank. My two lives are connected by an invisible thread that I may never be able to see.

But I don't tell him any of this. I don't want him to finally buckle beneath the heaviness of what he is feeling; I don't want him to crack like Mark. And mostly, I don't want him to feel as I feel. It's ironic that I left Danielle in the library because I was angry that she didn't understand me but here I am, sparing James of that very thing.

"No. No, it didn't."

James nods, letting that sentence sink in. Even as it does, I can see a transformation, though very slight, take hold of his features. Even after all these months of staying away from me like the rest of the school, he has been troubled with thoughts of me being in agony in my last moments. Compared to how he was a few seconds ago, the relief seems to saturate his face.

It is James all over, exactly as I remember.

"I wouldn't recommend stepping in front of a car though." I say, and James laughs. I mean, really laughs, as if he hasn't done it in years. And I laugh with him. It feels as if we are thirteen again.

But sooner than I would like, James' chuckles eventually turn into ragged breaths and he takes a lengthy step away from me. Reality has hit home but there is one thing I want to ask him before he leaves.

"Mark has his new...friends. But what about you? Are you okay?"

"I - I like to keep to myself. I'm fine - really." he adds, catching my dubious look. "There are people I hang around with, they're good people."

I am comforted. Our meeting is coming to an end and surprisingly, I feel happy. He doesn't loathe me. He has friends. He's not alone. I hitch up my bag and salute goodbye to James. His small voice carries down the corridor as I walk away.

"I won't tell anyone - about you and that girl, I mean. I saw you together once. I promise I won't tell."

I twist around, a million questions hanging on my lips but when I look back, he has vanished.