An Undead Boy

The walk home is a long and lonely one with only images of Danielle for company. She plays on my mind like a broken record, juddering back into my consciousness whenever I manage to break free from the recollection of her ghostly face. The sound of her knees hitting the floor is the constant soundtrack beating against my brain and pounding into my ears.

The rain has finally stopped, the clouds sailing away like ships to reveal the vast, incredible, forget-me-not blue that is the sky. In a way, it almost feels like it's mocking me, like it's saying "HEY! LOOK HOW OPTIMISTIC AND INFINITE AND HAPPY I AM!".

My house looms up at me, totally alien now. It's like I don't even live here anymore but I force myself to go in, despite the hostility I can feel radiating from the place, spiking my sixth sense.

The hallway is deserted but I spot my mother's car keys on the table and I hesitate in the doorway as I wonder what to do. I don't have to wait long though.

"Charlie..."

She is calling me softly from the kitchen and I hate how the room has turned into some kind of anti-library for me and my mother. It's the place where everything awkward happens, where the neglect hides behind the kettle, on top of the refrigerator, under the table.

I enter the room feeling exposed like I'm under a spotlight. She's sat down facing the door, as if she's been waiting for me all this time.

"The school phoned."

Her tone is neutral, alarmingly so. I've not heard my mother this calm since I changed. It makes it all the more worrisome when I see the knife lying flat next to her hand on the table. It's the sort of eerie control that I imagine the worst kind of criminals have, the way she keeps drumming her fingers on the handle of the knife, almost teasing. Why does she always have a knife around me now? When did my relationship with my mother suddenly turn into this? The sun shining merrily outside makes the whole situation seem surreal.

"They did?" I'm stalling and I know exactly why they phoned. Of course they did; if a parent of a student storms into class and starts screaming about how I bit their daughter, why wouldn't the school phone my mother? It had skipped my mind though, it hadn't ranked very highly in terms of me caring.

"Yes, they mentioned something about you attacking another student."

Looks like time is up.

"I didn't mean it."

It is such a childish thing to say but I've never spoken truer words. Facing my mother like this makes me feel small, like a blip - meager and inconsequential.

"Of course not - of course you didn't mean it. I was in your room earlier, trying to find out if there's any of my son left in there and you know what I found?" she asks, reaching under the table and pulling out a shirt - my shirt, the one I was wearing when I bit Danielle. The blood stains are darker now that they're dry and for my part, it doesn't look good. I hurry to defend myself.

"Mum, you've got to understand - Danielle, she's my friend. I would never - "

She can't bear to look at me, turning her head away to gaze outside. On the table, her fingers twitch towards the knife.

"You did it in my house." she whispers, her voice shaking. "You brought some poor girl home and attacked her here."

"Please, it's not like that. I lost control, just once - you have to believe me!"

"I want you to get out now. Leave and never come back." she orders, her face dead-pan.

"What?" I'm thrown. I never expected this to happen, for it to go so wrong.

"I said, leave and never come back. I shouldn't have let you come back, I should have left you at the hospital. You're not Charlie anymore, no matter how much you look like him."

"But - but you can't just chuck me out on the streets. Where do I go?"

"GET OUT!" she screams, standing up with the knife in her hand. "Everyone is looking for you. You attacked a girl and they're not going to let you get away with it. They're hunting you now, a huge mob. This is the last thing I'm going to do for you because whatever you are now, you were still Charlie once. Go. They will kill you and if they find you, I won't stop them but I'll give you this warning. Leave."

"People are coming for me?" I say, my voice raising an octave. "They're going to kill me?! They can't do that! Mum, please - you can't let them!"

"Just you watch them." she hisses, moving around the table, knife poised. I don't recognise her anymore, her features morphed by hatred for me. "I mean it - get out of my house now."

I flap my arms wildly and step away from her, thinking fast. "Can I at least pack a bag?"

"NOW!" she roars and I run from the room, past the stairs and the former safety of my room, out of the front door, down the path and away from my house - away from everything I know.

I don't stop running until I reach an alleyway. I fall to the floor and crawl over mud and chewed gum to hide behind the cover of a bin.

It's all a disaster. I've lost Danielle, my mum, my friends.

Why didn't I just look out when I stepped into that road? Why did I have to be such an idiot, thinking that life isn't so precious or fragile, that it didn't need to be enjoyed with every single breath? I've never wanted to change the past as much as I do right now, thinking about Danielle and James, even Mark, and especially my mother. Their lives are inextricably wound with mine and the consequences of my actions that day changed them all. I'm not the only person who was forced to take up a life I didn't ask for.

I'm more scared now than when I was alive. I know that death is coming for me again but there are no back up plans or exits routes that can lead me to safety this time. I won't wake up from this - I've blown it. When that car hit me, it was too sudden for me to really feel fear but it's crashing into me now with all its might. I guess it thinks I deserve to feel it twice as hard, to make up for the last time.

I tilt my head back and scowl. There it is again, that sky. It's inappropriate, I think, staring up at it; when bad things happen, isn't it always about dark skies and lightning bolts, not bright sunlight and chirping birds? I remember I used to look up there and think how the sky was like this huge dome, trapping us all beneath it like bugs under a glass. It always got me thinking how we're literally just floating around in this giant bubble, surrounded by nothingness. It made me feel alone back then and it still does now; I turn my face away from the brightness, tug roughly on my hair, trying to pull it out. I can't feel anything.

A sob comes out in a strangled choke.

"CHARLIE!"

Someone is calling for me. I can hear them from my crouched position behind the bin and I strain my ears to hear the shouts again.

"Charlie?"

The familiarity of the voice is comforting and I'm already on my feet, approaching the entrance of the alleyway to see him. For once, he has no sweeping coat or hat to cast dark shadows onto his face and somehow, it makes him look younger - smaller. When he catches sight of me, his eyes widen in relief and suddenly, he's here in front of me. Up close, the blue of his eyes seem brighter than usual.

We stand face to face for a moment before he pulls me into a bone-crushing hug.

"I've been searching for you all over, thank God you're alright." he mumbles, leaning back a little to call a person I can't see over. "I've found him! Over here!"

Matt jogs into my line of sight and gives me a broad smile. "Oh man, I'm so glad we found you - if we had to run around any longer, I think Arthur would have collapsed."

Arthur shoves Matt's shoulder playfully and for a moment, I just feel overwhelmingly sad as my thoughts turn to Danielle.

"Not all of us are used to running for long periods of time, Matthew." he jokes, turning back to me. "I had to ditch my coat, I just couldn't handle jogging around in it in this weather. Matt didn't even break a sweat. Whoever finds that coat on the bench I left it on is gonna be one lucky son of a - "

I wave my hands at him, looking between the two of them. "Why were you trying to find me?"

They glance at each other nervously and Matt addresses me in a low voice.

"Haven't you heard? People are hunting you - we want to help get you out of here. You have to leave."

I stare at the floor, my mind going at a hundred miles an hour. I was prepared for a seaside escape before but now, something is different. I can't just up and go when I'm responsible for Danielle -

"What about Danielle?" I say quickly. "Is she okay? Is she looking for me?"

"Well, the thing is buddy, we don't know where she is. Her mother was just going insane at the school and the last we saw of Danielle, she was being carried into a car. It didn't look good, her whole family was waiting outside the school and it looked like they weren't coming back. At this point, we're...we're not even sure she's alive."

Not even sure she's alive.

"But come on, Charlie - you need to go. Maybe if we get you on a bus somewhere and..."

Arthur's voice chatters anxiously in my ear but I am no longer listening. It all seems so impossible now. I can feel the world pressing in on me, everything building up until the air is thick with it. I feel like I'm suffocating.

A life without Danielle is one that I don't even want to consider. How can I just go on without the one thing that has been a constant since I came back to school? How can I go back to what I was, knowing that she won't be there to talk to, to make me laugh anymore?

Maybe I've had my time. Maybe I'm just clinging to life by my fingertips because I never wanted to go in the first place? I shouldn't even be here now, I should have been squashed by that car. Maybe it's just time to accept that I have nothing left.

"Guys? There's a pretty angry-looking mob making their way over here. I don't think they know we're here so if we want to escape, we have to go, now." Matt says urgently.

I think I'm touched that Matt considers this a 'we' situation. I feel guilty for what I'm about to say to them both and I know they won't take it lightly. How could they? If our roles were reversed, would I?

I take a deep breath. Perhaps my one last gulp of the air.

"I'm not going anywhere." I tell them calmly. "It's over. This isn't worth it anymore."

They look staggered and they stare at each other with gaping mouths, as if they're hoping the other will explain what is happening.

"Charlie..." Arthur says slowly. "You can't be serious?"

I don't know the right words to tell him that I am, perfectly so. A few weeks ago - even a few days ago - I didn't want this. If someone had told me that I was going to willingly walk to my own death, I'd have bolted. I'd have left the town.

I'm scared of death. Who isn't? It's such a rational instinct, a fear that can be accepted because no one knows what it's like after you die - maybe except me but it doesn't count because I can't even remember dying - that if I confided this to Arthur and Matt right now, I'm certain they wouldn't laugh.

"It's easier for me to - to not be here. I just want everything to go back to normal for everyone." I finally say.

"That's crazy. It won't be normal for me, for Matt. You're our friend. How can we just let you go off and get erased from our lives forever?" Arthur cries, taking a step toward me.

"Because you have to. You'll be okay, I promise. Just - " I look between the two of them, the unlikeliest of friends. "Just I wanted to say I'm glad I got the chance to know you. The way you guys just accepted me - I'm so lucky to have met you. You really helped me."

Matt is shaking his head like he's in denial but Arthur knows better. He opens his arms and pulls me into one of his crazy bear-hugs and I hug back because it's the last time I can. I want to savour every second of it but it's over too fast and I'm moving away from them.

I walk to the mouth of the alley, turn back to see them one final time. Arthur and Matt are looking right back at me, their hands locked together fiercely. I can see the tell-tale sign of tears shining on Arthur's cheeks and I give him an encouraging smile, like he is the one walking to his own death. I don't mind it though, this is what I want.

I'm about to walk into my forever and I'm strangely fine with it. This is okay. I can do this.

I move out of the shelter of the alleyway.

"THERE'S THE CORPSE! GRAB HIM!"

It happens so quickly, I don't have time to react. Out of nowhere, Mark has one of my arms in a reluctant grip but I don't know who the other man is. They both stare down at me, eyebrows raised, daring me to try and escape. Behind them, a large crowd is assembled. At least there are no flaming torches or pitchforks.

"What should we do with him now?" mutters the stranger.

Mark cuts him a sharp look and rolls his eyes before turning to address the gathered mob. None of them seem as sure as they did a few minutes ago, their faces pinched as they watch the scene playing out before them.

"It's obvious, isn't it? We have to take out the brain." he says, pressing a rounders bat lightly into my temple to demonstrate. "I know this isn't a film but people, it's the epicenter of activity. Destroy the brain and we won't have to worry about him again."

The crowd mutter to each other like a messed up jury deciding my fate. I don't struggle as I listen to them chatter idly about how best to bash my head in, instead I shut my eyes and think of her - of Danielle.

The sun burns orange against my closed eyelids. The worst part is that I won't see her again, that I'll never know if she is okay but this is my decision - the best decision for us all. If I'd just been content to be shunned by everyone, Danielle wouldn't have been bitten by me. She'd be living a normal life. It's too late for wishing that things could have gone differently though, I can't even really bring myself to regret any of it.

My thoughts all fade away and I hear their voices again, building up into a crescendo like a terrible lullaby demanding I sleep. They have decided and I look up into Mark's terrible face then turn my mind to more pleasant things.

Silver hair. Hazel eyes. Snorts mingled with laughter.

The last thing I see is the bat swinging towards my head, then nothing.