In My Time of Dying

Death is an inevitable part of life. What begins must end, and for hunters, the end often comes far too early.

Castiel forgets that Dean and Sam are humans and not immortal like him. They conduct themselves with such reckless abandon and disregard for their lives that one would think their mortality was never threatened. They're so full of life, so full of energy, that it's impossible to imagine a world where they don't exist.

But they're human. It's an inevitable fact that death will come knocking at the door one day. And they're hunters. Death is often itching to take them away before their time.

Castiel was once aware of this fact, but that was so long ago, back when he dragged Dean out of perdition and again when he raised Sam from the pit. But mortality is a concept that becomes lost when those who die can always be raised once more.

The Winchesters die. They also, however, have a habit of coming back.

The battle the boys fought on that fateful day had long since been over. They had been tracking a demon and finally trailed it to an old house in the middle of nowhere. Nothing had felt right, but the boys pressed on anyway. Sam had sent the demon straight back to the pits of Hell. But Dean... Dean had not been so lucky.

He sits in the back of the Impala, gripping the wound in his stomach that's spewing blood like a fountain. Sam is in the front, driving with reckless abandon to the nearest hospital and screaming, "Cas! C'mon, Cas, can't you do anything for him?!"

"I have tried. Something is dampening my powers. I cannot heal him." Castiel's voice is losing its calm, collected edge. He's feeling the hopelessness that humans feel when something important to them is about to be taken forever. He lays his hands over Dean's, trying desperately to heal the man he has come to love. It doesn't work. Nothing is working.

"Stop," Dean says through a mouthful of blood, trying to swat away Cas's hand.

"Please, do not speak," Cas says, because the sound of the older Winchester's broken voice is breaking his heart. Dean needs to be strong. He's always strong. He's never had a moment of weakness in his life, and it's unnatural to hear him so torn apart.

"Cas, c'mon, keep trying! Goddammit, Dean, we're almost to the hospital! Don't you dare die on me!" Sam cries from the front seat. His hands grip the steering wheel so tight that they're white with pressure. "Don't you dare die!"

"Don't you... bring me back," Dean struggles out through heaving breaths. "Live... your life."

"Shut up, Dean! You aren't going to die, do you hear me!"

"Go back... to... Stanford. Okay?"

"Stop! Stop it!" Sam cries helplessly. "You aren't going to die, not today. Not if I can help it!"

Dean glances over at Cas, his eyes wide, and the angel is captivated by how green they are. The older Winchester mumbles, "Take care of Sammy... 'kay?"

"Yes, Dean," Castiel whispers, his voice broken. Dean smiles and clutches at the angel's coat.

And then he coughs out a mouthful of blood. "Turn... turn on the stereo."

Sam chokes out a sob as he follows the request. In My Time of Dying by Led Zeppelin fills all the spaces in the car.

"Nice," Dean smiles in irony. "Knew that song... was bad to listen to... before a hunt." He coughs again. "Want nobody to mourn."

A black-haired reaper joins them in the backseat, her hand outstretched. Cas wants to banish her, to send her away, but he knows he can't.

Dean's head lolls to the side, and his eyes close. Castiel feels a pang in his chest; never again will he see those green eyes open. He'll never get lost in their depths. And the knowledge hurts.

Castiel doesn't realize they've pulled over until he hears Sam sobbing over the steering wheel.

The first snow of the year begins to fall.

__________

They bury Dean's ashes early in the morning. It took them almost the entire night to dig the grave, partly because the ground was frozen and partly because it was hard for Sam and Cas to work through their sadness, partly because they took turns watching over the funeral pyre.

The two don't say much of anything. What is there to say? Sam's crying too hard, and Cas has no idea how to control the emotions swirling inside of him.

"He wouldn't want us to say anything. None of that pansy stuff," Sam finally mumbles through tears as he scrubs at his eyes. "But it just... feels wrong not to say anything."

Cas clears his throat. "Dean was a good man. One of the greatest I ever knew. Fearless. A warrior. I feel honored just to have known him."

"Is he...?"

"He is in heaven now."

Sam nods and tries to smile. Cas has learned enough about human nature to know that the final Winchester would like some time alone at Dean's grave. He sits in the car and watches as Sam sits down cross-legged at the mound of freshly-turned dirt. The boy talks for hours, as if he's getting everything off his chest that he never had a chance to tell his brother. The morning sun shines brightly, and Cas can't help but think how beautiful the setting is for such a horrible moment.

When Sam comes back to the car, he's silent and pensive. He drives to Bobby's with one of Dean's cassettes playing in the background. Cas thinks this is a testament to just how much Sam is hurting.

_________

Castiel stays with Sam, as he had promised Dean. It takes a long time before the young man is capable of doing even the simplest things. He stays at Bobby's and hardly speaks. He helps out other hunters with research, but he seems too broken to function. He spent his first several weeks without Dean by searching for ways to bring his brother back before eventually realizing that it wasn't what Dean wanted. Cas doesn't know what to do for him. He'd have to figure out how to fix himself first.

The truth is, he's hurting. But he doesn't show it for Sam's sake. He knows how to fix himself, but he has sworn to help Sam, and that's what he'll do.

He sticks around and supports the Winchester, giving him space or comfort as needed. After eighteen months pass, he gently encourages Sam to enroll in Stanford again, as per Dean's wishes. Cas knows that Sam still aches for that normal life.

Cas stays for a while after that, as well. Sam struggles through his first semester, but soon he meets a girl named Amelia. Slowly, the man returns to life. He gives his first genuine smile for the first time in years. He perks up in demeanor and goes out instead of immersing himself in studies and ignoring his pain. Sam finally has someone to connect with.

It's soon after this event that Sam approaches Castiel and says, "Cas, you don't have to stay."

"I promised Dean-"

"You promised him that you'd take care of me. And you did, you got me through. I owe you a big one, Cas," Sam smiles as he grips Castiel's shoulder warmly. "But you've got some stuff to take care of, too. You're still hurting. It's not fair that you stay here. I've got this under control."

"Are you sure? I could-" Castiel tries to protest, but Sam cuts him off.

"You did what you promised. Now go find him, okay?"

Cas's lips twitch up into a faint smile. "Thank you, Sam."

He's gone before the man can open his mouth.

__________

Castiel kneels in part of heaven he has never seen before.

"Father," he says in a greeting.

"Castiel. I have heard much about you. It is finally nice to meet you in person."

"Thank you, Father. I should say the same for you."

"Well, Castiel. I have been informed that you have come with a purpose that is more imperative than exchanging formalities. Please, ask what you will."

"Two years, six months, and thirteen days ago, you welcomed a human to his place in Heaven," Castiel begins.

"Ah, you speak of the Winchester boy, do you not?"

"I do."

"Continue."

"I grew... very fond of this human in the short time I spent with him. You are aware of the lengths I went to in order to protect him and his brother."

"I am." A deep chuckle resounds through the room. "But Castiel, what is it that you wish to ask?"

"I am aware that I am a poor excuse for an Angel of the Lord. I have committed shameful acts, but I have done it with a purpose," Cas states. "I wish to be reunited with Dean Winchester in Heaven."

"You ask the impossible of me, Castiel. You know I cannot do that."

"I am prepared to offer my grace as recompense for this undertaking."

"You would forfeit your grace, your powers and duties as an angel, for this human?"

"Yes, Father."

"Very well. Castiel, I hereby revoke your duty as an Angel of the Lord. Your work here is completed."

Castiel feels a tugging in the very core of his body, and then suddenly it's like everything inside of him is being ripped out strand by strand. He doubles over in pain, clutching at various parts of his body until the hurt slowly began to diminish.

"Well, Castiel, we may as well do something with this grace. Do you have any requests as to where you would like it to be placed?"

The corners of Cas's lips twitch up. "Yes, I do."

__________

He smooths down the folds and creases in his jacket, scrubs at his face, and realizes that it's stupid to be so nervous. There really is no way he can make a bad impression.

Dean is alone, digging through a box of tools. The Impala sits not too far off in a state of disrepair. It's not really a surprise that working on his car is one of Dean's cherished memories.

"Hello, Dean."

The man jumps, dropping the socket wrench that he had been examining. He whips around quickly, and his eyes widen at the sigh of the angel. "Cas? What are you - you aren't part of this memory."

"I know."

"Dammit, Cas," Dean mutters as he pulls the man in for a hug. Cas is pleased to find that the man still smells exactly the same: like leather with faint hints of musky cologne and soap. And with the way Dean clutches the former-angel, Castiel knows that he instinctively knows the sacrifice that brought them together.

They pull apart, but Dean still grips Castiel's coat in his hand.

"You took care of Sammy?"

"Of course."

"He's happy now." It's a statement, because Dean has been watching over them every moment. "Thank you."

"It was only right."

Dean's expression softens into a smile of contentment. This time, Castiel is the one who initiates a hug.

They don't break apart for a long time. Eternity can wait.

__________

Sam stands at the foot of Dean's grave - well, where the grave used to be. In its place is a massive tree that hadn't been there when they buried the man, though it looks as though it had been growing for centuries. Its roots dig deep into the dirt and mingle with the ashes of the hunter beneath it.

He's brought back to the memories of Anna, and what had happened to her grace after she had removed it. Things begin to make sense. Sam lifts his head and smiles at the sky, knowing that somewhere, Dean and Castiel have found one another once again.

Sam returns to the Impala - kept in working order as a tribute to Dean's memory - and begins the long trek home.

The first snow of the year begins to fall.

For the first time in a long time, things don't seem so bad.