Status: I wasn't living... I was existing♥
A Nightmare? Or a Dream...?
It's Okay Mommy
My soul's peace was disturbed when I saw my mother
I was always a Mommy's girl
We were very close
We lived alone with our three cats, and managed just fine
I see her scream shouts of pain
I see her cry and just let go
She can't handle it
I was her baby
And now my sister is an only child
I see the woman I admired and called a second mother
Although she had abandoned me in my time of need... which was one of the reasons i had died... I still couldn't help but love her
She was everything to me
And everything I had ever wanted to be
She leans over my casket and softly kisses me on the cheek
Which always made me smile more than anything in the world
I then see a few tears fall from her eyes
I stand beside her and cry too
I hope she knows how much I love her...
Then I see my therapist
She tried to not let this happen
But it was too late...
We were more than just a therapist and a client
Our relationship was stronger than that.
She too was one of the many women that played the role of a mother in my life
We have been through hell and back together
But at the end of the day, we love each other more than life itself
I see her cry... and cry...
Her boyfriend on her side- as always
I've always liked her better when she is single... She's so much more happy
I hate to see her in pain
But yet, I don't...
Seeing her pain lets me know how much she actually loved me...
Then I see my Sunday School teachers...
They sobbed until they couldn't anymore
They had always worried about me... One especially.
She has even talked to my mother, explaining that she was afraid this would occur...
I never thought that I'd have the courage or the strength to do it...
Yet no one is surprised..
My focus is then turned to my sweet mentor
She is another me, but in 30 years...
She was the strongest person I knew
She had gone through depression, such as I did
She cried when she figured out about my cutting...
She had told me that she couldn't bare the thought of something ever happening to me...
But I guess that wasn't enough
She cried loud sobs... and had to gasp for air between them
She blamed herself for thinking that she had not done enough in my life, and that my death was all her fault
I stood beside her, holding her hand.
She gave me a necklace for my 13th birthday, and I had never taken it off
So it was still there...
The angel lay still on my neck as it always had
I prayed that she knows how much I love her
She had really made an impact on my life... more than she knew
And I loved her with all my heart and soul
My attention was then directed towards someone that I didn't expect to see here...
My precious biology teacher.
She was a teacher I could trust... And she had loved me ever since I stepped foot in her class
I had always loved her too
I remember the day in her classroom, when she figured out about my eating disorder...
The anorexia had gotten to me
I was shaking
My heart rate was going at a fast pace
I felt as if I were to fall at any given moment
She stood by my side with her hand on my back
Comforting me
She then felt a little worried...
She offered everything she could to help me, but I rejected
All I wanted at that moment was her love
Of course, though, as a high school student, I couldn't tell her that...
She told me once that she thinks of her students as her own kids in a way...
And that's all I had ever wanted to be though of by her
She is the sweetest woman...
She reminded me a lot of myself...
I could tell that she was shy and self conscious
I could tell that she was anxious most of the time
None of the other students really liked her... I figured it's because she's so timid
But I loved her with all my heart...
And seeing her there... In front of my dead body... I lost it
I hugged her as much as I could, although she could not feel it
She had a few tears of her own
I brushed her hair back from her beautiful face as gently as i could and softly kissed her wet, tear-stained, cheek.
Finally, my focus was then on two more important women that had played the role of a second mother in my life
The first one... My best friends mom
Although they lived 3 & 1/2 hrs away from me.. They still came
I saw her cry just as much as every other woman had
She knew I had problems...
She was one of the first people to ever discover my anorexia
The last time I had saw her, I was really down...
She knew it too
That sweet woman read me like a book
I loved her sweet hugs and kisses that I got every time I came for a visit
They were the highlight of my week
My last 2nd mommy then took her place near my casket
Just a few days ago, we had had a long and serious talk
I showed her my cuts... I had just relapsed again
She was very upset by that fact
But I couldn't see how she could ever get on to me about that when she herself was killing her own precious body by smoking
She had shared with me that she wanted to dance at my wedding and hold my kids when I reached my dream of becoming a famous singer
That dream was over now...
I myself cannot help but cry at the sight of all these beautiful women that I loved...
But then something else caught my attention.....
I saw my Daddy.
I was always a Mommy's girl
We were very close
We lived alone with our three cats, and managed just fine
I see her scream shouts of pain
I see her cry and just let go
She can't handle it
I was her baby
And now my sister is an only child
I see the woman I admired and called a second mother
Although she had abandoned me in my time of need... which was one of the reasons i had died... I still couldn't help but love her
She was everything to me
And everything I had ever wanted to be
She leans over my casket and softly kisses me on the cheek
Which always made me smile more than anything in the world
I then see a few tears fall from her eyes
I stand beside her and cry too
I hope she knows how much I love her...
Then I see my therapist
She tried to not let this happen
But it was too late...
We were more than just a therapist and a client
Our relationship was stronger than that.
She too was one of the many women that played the role of a mother in my life
We have been through hell and back together
But at the end of the day, we love each other more than life itself
I see her cry... and cry...
Her boyfriend on her side- as always
I've always liked her better when she is single... She's so much more happy
I hate to see her in pain
But yet, I don't...
Seeing her pain lets me know how much she actually loved me...
Then I see my Sunday School teachers...
They sobbed until they couldn't anymore
They had always worried about me... One especially.
She has even talked to my mother, explaining that she was afraid this would occur...
I never thought that I'd have the courage or the strength to do it...
Yet no one is surprised..
My focus is then turned to my sweet mentor
She is another me, but in 30 years...
She was the strongest person I knew
She had gone through depression, such as I did
She cried when she figured out about my cutting...
She had told me that she couldn't bare the thought of something ever happening to me...
But I guess that wasn't enough
She cried loud sobs... and had to gasp for air between them
She blamed herself for thinking that she had not done enough in my life, and that my death was all her fault
I stood beside her, holding her hand.
She gave me a necklace for my 13th birthday, and I had never taken it off
So it was still there...
The angel lay still on my neck as it always had
I prayed that she knows how much I love her
She had really made an impact on my life... more than she knew
And I loved her with all my heart and soul
My attention was then directed towards someone that I didn't expect to see here...
My precious biology teacher.
She was a teacher I could trust... And she had loved me ever since I stepped foot in her class
I had always loved her too
I remember the day in her classroom, when she figured out about my eating disorder...
The anorexia had gotten to me
I was shaking
My heart rate was going at a fast pace
I felt as if I were to fall at any given moment
She stood by my side with her hand on my back
Comforting me
She then felt a little worried...
She offered everything she could to help me, but I rejected
All I wanted at that moment was her love
Of course, though, as a high school student, I couldn't tell her that...
She told me once that she thinks of her students as her own kids in a way...
And that's all I had ever wanted to be though of by her
She is the sweetest woman...
She reminded me a lot of myself...
I could tell that she was shy and self conscious
I could tell that she was anxious most of the time
None of the other students really liked her... I figured it's because she's so timid
But I loved her with all my heart...
And seeing her there... In front of my dead body... I lost it
I hugged her as much as I could, although she could not feel it
She had a few tears of her own
I brushed her hair back from her beautiful face as gently as i could and softly kissed her wet, tear-stained, cheek.
Finally, my focus was then on two more important women that had played the role of a second mother in my life
The first one... My best friends mom
Although they lived 3 & 1/2 hrs away from me.. They still came
I saw her cry just as much as every other woman had
She knew I had problems...
She was one of the first people to ever discover my anorexia
The last time I had saw her, I was really down...
She knew it too
That sweet woman read me like a book
I loved her sweet hugs and kisses that I got every time I came for a visit
They were the highlight of my week
My last 2nd mommy then took her place near my casket
Just a few days ago, we had had a long and serious talk
I showed her my cuts... I had just relapsed again
She was very upset by that fact
But I couldn't see how she could ever get on to me about that when she herself was killing her own precious body by smoking
She had shared with me that she wanted to dance at my wedding and hold my kids when I reached my dream of becoming a famous singer
That dream was over now...
I myself cannot help but cry at the sight of all these beautiful women that I loved...
But then something else caught my attention.....
I saw my Daddy.