Dangerous Minds

Ian didn't come out of his room for the rest of the day. It upset me really because it was nice to have something good to look at. Don't get me wrong, the other guys were hot, but they were nothing compared to that Narcissistic beauty. I was given more medication after dinner; I still didn't know what I was taking. Jack said they gave us laxatives for some reason, but Alex wasn't allowed any, which pissed him off. It was still strange to look at him. I know we're all crazy here, but watching a guy starve himself really creeped me out. Not that I was in a position to judge. I mean, I sliced up my arms on a daily basis. And my legs. And my sides. Fuck. Maybe I'd have more in common with Alex than I thought.

It was evening now and we were all still sat in the same room, mindlessly watching the television. I had never felt so helpless before. We just sat there, for hours, doing nothing. This, honestly, was enough to make anyone suicidal. I felt empty, lifeless, alone. I wanted to end it all, but there was seriously no way to do it in here. Jack told me that the orderlies watched you in the bath so drowning yourself was out of the question. There was no way to do it. At all. I couldn't even cut myself because the orderlies kept our razors and watched us shave, and all the knives in the dining hall were blunt.

Oli lit up a cigarette and took one, long drag, closing his eyes as he inhaled. Then it came to me. I asked him for one and he smiled, lit it up, and past it to me. I took a drag to seem convincing even though I hated smoking and I could feel it rotting my lungs with every breath. I thanked him and walked off to my room, still smoking the death stick.

As soon as I entered my room I broke into a wild coughing fit. Fuck, that was disgusting. I never wanted to do that again. Slowly, closing my eyes, I slid down the bedroom door. I sat there in the quiet for a moment, trying to beat the daemons inside of me, but it didn't work. They would never go away. They'd always be there, plunging me into misery, day after day after fucking day. A sharp pain in my arm made them all go away. The burning pushed the feelings away, the outside pain defeating the inside. I pushed the cigarette into a different spot, tears dripping from my eyes as I burned myself over and over again.

Somebody tried to open the door behind me, then again, then again. It was one of the nurses doing 'checks' as they called it. Making sure we were alive and shit. "Assistance!" I heard her yell and I was quickly thrown forward as two orderlies burst into the room. I dropped the cigarette immediately and they dragged me up by my underarms. The nurse had gone to fetch Pearl who ordered the men to haul me along the corridor towards the medical room. They gently pushed me down in a chair. By now I had stopped kicking and screaming so they didn't have to use force. A cold compress was placed on my wounds and I was bandaged up and given a warning before I was allowed to go. Pearl told me that if I hurt myself again on Meadowdale grounds I would be but in solitary confinement.

When I left the medical room, most of the residents were watching me. Jack came running over and wrapped his arm around me, so did Alex and the two lead me towards Alex and Josh's room. Oli and Josh slid in with us, sitting on Josh's bed with Jack. Alex sat beside me on his bed. He carefully removed my bandages to look at my handy work. Instead of being appalled, he just nodded then wrapped them back up.

"If you want to do that kind of shit, you've got to be more careful." He laughed quietly then climbed off the bed fished his arm around under his cabinet. Underneath was a shard of glass. He placed it in my hand and closed my fingers around it. "Pretend to be asleep when you do it. Have your back to them. They won't suspect you." It was weird that he was giving me something to hurt myself with. Nobody ever did that. But I suppose that was because I had never met anyone else who was a cutter.

I felt kind of rejected that Ian didn't check if I was all right. I barely knew him, but it would be nice for him to give a shit. I shoved the glass into the pocket of my black, skin tight jeans then rubbed my hand over my burns.

That night, Jack lay chatting to me again. Talking to me about how he ended up being institutionalised. I wasn't really listening, I was too busy thinking about Ian, that fucking God. I bit my lip when Jack was finished with his story, not sure if I should ask this question. "Were you in a relationship with Alex when you fucked Ian?" The words left my lips before I could stop them and Jack's face fell.

He shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah." He muttered, looking down at the floor. I nodded, staying quiet. "Don't judge me, it's not like you haven't done shit like that." I blinked wildly. I had never cheated on anyone. Why would he even think that? Jack saw my expression and smirked. "Oh, come on. Borderline's are notoriously sexually promiscuous. Don't even try to pretend you're a good boy." He winked.

"Sexually promiscuous? I've only ever had sex with two guys." I admitted, feeling a tad embarrassed.

Jack shook his head smiling. "It doesn't just mean having sex. How many people have you sucked off in the past few months?" I couldn't count. That was ridiculous. I was a fucking whore. "That's what I thought." He grinned before rolling over and going to sleep. Fuuuuck.

It must have been about three in the morning when I jolted awake to the sound of someone screaming. I looked over to Jack quickly who was rubbing his eyes. He stood and moved over to the door before opening it to revile what was going down. Josh was being dragged from his room, crying his eyes out while Alex was arguing with the orderlies to leave him alone. A little down the corridor Ian was holding Oli back who was yelling and swearing for the orderlies to let his boyfriend go. Tears were falling down his face too.

Jack rushed over to calm Alex down who was now being threatened with Solitary Confinement which was where Josh was headed.

"Leave him the fuck alone!" Oli cried, clawing at Ian to let go of him. The Welshman, who was clearly much stronger than Oli, stood his ground however, dragging him back towards there room. "It's not his fault! He can't help it! Ian, piss off!"

Ian then threw the tattooed boy over his shoulder and carried him off back towards their room, signalling for me to follow. I quickly ran along the corridor, catching up to the pair and entered their room. Ian placed Oli on his bed, pinning him down. "Chill the fuck out, Oli." He ordered. When he continued to scream and kick, Ian slapped him hard across the face, making me flinch. Oli's eyes were wide and frantic with worry for his boyfriend and from the shock of being slapped. Ian climbed off the boy and crouched down beside the bed, then stared running his fingers through his hair. "It's okay, he'll be fine. Just calm down." He muttered. It was amazing to see Ian like this. Just seeing Ian in general gave me butterflies, but the compassion in his eyes right now made me want to melt.

Oli sniffed and wiped his tears then sat up. I walked over to join them, taking a seat next to Oli on the bed and wrapping my arms around his torso. He lay his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes, still shaking slightly. Ian sighed and went to lie on his bed, crossing one leg over the other as he stared at the ceiling. Once Oli was out, I shuffled him down in bed and covered him up with his blanket.

Ian tilted his head over to look at me and gave me a bit of a lopsided smile. He patted the spot beside him for me to sit down, and of course, I obliged. Softly, he ran his fingers over my bandages, frowning while he did it. "I'll never understand you boys." He whispered a laugh then brought his eyes back up to mine. I gulped hard and he smirked, biting his lip. "What is it Seanie? Am I making you nervous?" He sat up slowly, never breaking eye contact with me and placed his hands on my hips. I shuddered with pleasure when I felt his breath tickle my earlobe. "Don't be, baby." It took every ounce of self control for me not to mount him right there. I was definitely getting flustered now and there was a slight problem growing in my jeans. Fuck, I really was a slut. Ian pulled away and winked at me again. "You should be getting to bed."

He stood up, dragging me by the back of my shirt and flung me out of his room before slamming the door. What the fuck was that? I didn't care, I fucking wanted him, and Sean Smith always gets what he wants. I picked myself up from the ground and made my way back down the corridor to my room, then I remembered that I better find a toilet first.