I Wish That We Could Both Be There

the day i found out that you had killed yourself was the worst moment of my life.

i remember your pupil support teacher coming into our registration class, the woman who you always declared hated you and vice versa, and i knew something was wrong. she looked shocked, upset, like the reality of what happened hadn't really sunk in yet. she told us, she told us you wouldn't be coming back. i thought you'd moved schools, and that was bad enough, but when she told us what happened i genuinely thought my heart was going to break. it just got worse. dead. suicide. your mum thought it was because of a few things said on blackberry messenger. she looked at me in that moment, i swear she caught my gaze, and i have never seen someone look so ashamed, disappointed, disgusted.

everyone was silent and the atmosphere was horrible. i felt like i was drowning. i kept telling myself over and over that it was a sick joke, that you were fine, that you'd be in later today or tomorrow. but deep down, i knew it wasn't. i knew i'd never see you again. i knew, i just knew, that you weren't coming back. you weren't coming back because of me.

i have never hated myself as much as i did at that moment.