Dear God

Dear God

Dylan.

I told myself over and over again that Kansas wasn’t right for me. She didn’t fit into my lifestyle. I had some pretty dark desires. But I saw her everyday and I couldn’t get her off my mind. She lived next door to Trace so she was always around. She was so fucking perfect God.
My thoughts immediately ran to the first time I saw her. She answered the door to Trace’s apartment in a flowery dress with a mixing bowl in one hand and chocolate on her face. I made a move that night and I was pretty sure the poor kid’s heart was going to explode out of her chest when I pulled her to me, and wiped the chocolate off her cheek with my thumb.
I felt dirty for getting hard just thinking about it. But it was pretty impossible for me not to be attracted to Kansas. Kansas Marin was everything I could never be. She was innocent and she took care of me – all of us really. Every single member of my band was in love with her. I think it was because she was always baking something. Usually from scratch. She saved us all from eating take out and pizza everyday. She was a sweet little southern girl. But she wasn’t naïve. She was smart, and I saw her get sassy with Trace and even a few of my band members. Little mama could hold her own. Her body was to die for. She wasn’t a skinny bitch like Mila, she was thick with hips and tits. Oh God… her tits were perfect. Every now and then she would show a little cleavage and it drove me wild. Most of the time Kansas was fairly modest. She had eclectic fashion sense. Her favorite outfit though was an oversized Hollywood Undead shirt 80’s style over a tank top with pair of leggings. Trace told me that she wore that one just for me. But I wasn’t too sure of that.
Trace was convinced that Kansas was perfect for me. That she would be the perfect girl. She would be not only my submissive but a great wife. I wasn’t so sure that she could handle that kind of relationship. But I knew she’d have to wife part down no problem. She had been married before. It wasn’t a great one though.

“It wouldn’t have killed him to be like a bit more passionate. That whole the passion ends when you get married line is totally true.” I heard her telling George’s girlfriend one night.
“Sounds like you need to get laid Kansas!” Trace snorted.
“Fuck you Trace.” She replied. Her face turning tomato red as she tossed a pillow at Trace.
“When was the last time you got some?” Eric one of Trace’s band members asked in her ear. He was all over her.

I felt myself tense up. I wasn’t Eric’s biggest fan anyway. He was a douche.
“Back off Kandinsky.” She growled at him. She stepped away but he caught her around the waist and pulled her in close.
I sat my beer down. I was boiling.
“I can help you out with that frustration.” He grinned.
Yeah I was going to kill him. I sat my beer down and was about to rescue her when she punched him straight in the jaw. Before walking into Trace’s house.
I laughed in Eric’s face before following her inside.
She was standing with her hands on the sink. She had a faraway look in her eyes.
“You okay mami?” I asked her.
She jumped.
“Fuck Dylan you scared me.” Her face turned red again.
“Sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Eric’s a prick.” I smiled. I kept my distance.
“Thanks. I’m alright. I feel bad for making a scene but…” She paused like she was going to say something but changed her mind. “Eric’s a total prick.” She laughed. But it wasn’t genuine. Her real laugh was beautiful. It was loud and sometimes she snorted. But I loved it. I was starting to love everything about her.
I wanted to pull her close to me and just have her. But I restrained myself.
“Where’d you learn to punch like that?” I asked instead.
“I have an older brother. He was a douche but he taught me to fight when I was little. I got picked on a lot.” She told me.
She told me a lot about herself that night. She admitted that at first she wasn’t a huge fan of Hollywood Undead. It took seeing us live once to really get her hooked. She also told me that she had moved to Cali with Mila because she wanted to start over. The last few years had been rough for her, one shitty relationship after another ending with a shitty marriage.

I decided that there was no way she could be what I needed. I could never be anything more than friends with Kansas Marin. At least that’s what I thought. Until now. This tour was killing me.
I went from seeing her every other day at least to not seeing her at all. I had given her my number the night that she punched Eric in the face. Every now and then she texted me but it wasn’t anything too heavy. It sucked. I thought about calling her everyday but I wasn’t sure what I would say. ‘Hey so Trace told me you were DTF and I’m into some weird shit. Lets do this.’ I chuckled at the thought.

My phone started to ring. I glanced at it hoping by some miracle it was Kansas but it was only Trace.

“Aye man. Wassup?”
“Not a lot. Not a lot.”
“So how come you haven’t asked Kan out yet bro?” Trace asked me.
“I dunno man. I told you I don’t think she can handle me. She’s a natural submissive, fuck she’s perfect but I don’t think the whole dom/sub thing is for her.” I admitted.
“Dude. That hot little southern belle is in love with you. I’m pretty sure she’ll do anything you want.” Trace snickered.
“Aye?”
“I heard her whining to Mila about how much she likes you. But she was convinced you didn’t like her back since you hadn’t asked her out yet. Or made another move on her.”
I grinned thinking about the day I met her again.
“Speaking of bro – no moves in my kitchen. That ain’t cool.”
“Fuck off Trace. It wasn’t that kind of move.”
“Well it rocked her world. You outta call her man. Just give her a chance. I think she’s perfect for you.”
“Aight man. Later.” I said hanging up.

I sighed and climbed into my bunk. I clicked my iPhone to shuffle and slipped my earphones in.

”A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love
Purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah”

It was ironic because I knew Avenged Sevenfold was Kan’s other favorite band, but also because this song fit exactly how I felt about Kansas.

As if on cue my text tone sounded and Kansas’ name flashed on my screen.
“I swear to God I am going to murder Eric Kandisnky.”
I felt myself tense up. I’d kill him myself if he’d so much as touched her.
I immediately called her.

“Hello?” Her voice sounded nervous.
“You okay mami?” I asked trying to keep myself calm.
“Yeah I’m fine.” She didn’t sound fine. I could feel my blood pressure rising.
“Where are you?”
“Trace’s. I’m hiding in his bedroom. I’m just not in the mood to party tonight. Eric is drunk and being a royal douche.”
“I’d kill him if I was there.” I mumbled.
“That’s what Trace said.” Kansas laughed nervously.
“I can be there in like an hour if you need me to be.” I told her. I was serious. I actually had my shit in my hand ready to walk off the bus and rent a car.
“No, Dylan I’m fine. I just feel weird because Mila’s not here and neither are you. Honestly I don’t really get along with anyone else. Most of Trace’s other friends are horny douchebags.”
“You can call me anytime mami.” My voice was low and sincere.
“Thanks.” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“So – uh I was thinking. I’ll be back in Cali Monday. Would you be interested in hanging when I get back? Just the two of us. We could like do dinner and movie or something.”
“Yeah that’d be great.” I was willing to bet money that she was blushing.
“Aight mami. I’ll see you Monday. I’ll pick you up at seven. If douche Kandinsky gives you any more problems holla at me. I’ll take care of him.”

I hung up and Dear God started back.
“Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
To hold her when I'm not around,
When I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed”

I understood the lyrics perfectly. I was in love with this girl already I should have been there with her. I shouldn’t have ran off on this tour without her. I needed her and she needed me.