My Presence Won't Be Ignored

I had to call Brian on Friday and inform him that I wasn't able to take him up on that date.

After three rings, someone picked up the phone with a groggy, "Hello?"

"Hi, it's Rachel. Is Brian there?" I asked.

"Yeah, hold on a second," the man on the other end groaned.
I heard some muffled static before someone's muted voice yelled "Brian!"

In between that and my conversation with Brian, I grabbed an ice pack out of our freezer and brought it into Alyssa's room, placing it on her forehead, despite her protests of "cold!"

"Hello?" I heard another, different, male voice on the other end.

"Brian?" I asked, and once I heard a faint mhmm, I continued, "Hey, it's Rachel. Um, I just wanted to call you and let you know that I’m not able to make that date tonight."

I could tell he was trying to hide his disappointment, "Oh, really? How come?"

Alyssa had started to groan slightly, so I moved the ice pack from her head and helped out of her bed and into the bathroom across the hall. I propped her back up against the tub, facing the toilet while stroking her hair back out of her face repeatedly.

"Well, Alyssa's really sick and I'm here at home, taking care of her," I sighed. She's never been able to go a year without the flu. "Brian, can you hold on, please?" I didn't wait for an answer as I looked at Alyssa.

I put the phone on the floor, watching Alyssa turn even more pale. I couldn't help but feel bad for my little girl as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl. The only thing I could do was hold her copper hair back from her face. I wish I could've done more, but I wasn't able to. When she was finally done ridding her stomach of everything, I flushed the toilet and grabbed a washcloth, wetting it and dragging it across her mouth.

"Alyssa, babe, grab the phone, please," I asked her to do while she was still on the bathroom floor.
Once the phone was in her tiny hand, I picked her up and carried her back into her room, setting her back under her covers, placing the ice pack back on her head. No protests, this time.

I took the phone back from Alyssa and placed it against my ear, walking out of my daughter's room, closing the door halfway behind me.

"Brian, you still here?" I heard, again, a faint mhmm. "Sorry about that."

"It's fine. Well, tell Alyssa I said feel better. But who knows, maybe I can stop by later? Maybe I'll help you out, you sound like you could use a hand," he stated.

I was flattered that he wanted to come by to help me out, but Alyssa was sick and I wasn't sure how much time I was going to be able to give him.
"Brian, I don't think that's such-" he cut me off before I could say anymore.

"Rachel, just let me come over for a bit. I'll bring over some soup that my mom used to make for me when I was sick. Just for a few minutes. If I'm really in your way, I'll leave," he said, the option actually sounding really good.

"Alright," I sighed, not feeling like putting up an argument. Taking care of Alyssa was wearing me out, "Maybe come over around six?"

"Alright, I'll be there at six," Brian spoke, a smile lacing his voice. "See you later." And then I heard a dial tone.

What had I just done?

Watching over Alyssa left me very little time to myself throughout except for the times where she'd sleep for fifteen minute periods.
Even then, that's the time that I took to clean the house for when Brian came over.

Of course, Jesse didn't like the idea of Brian being around, helping me watch over our little girl.

"Does he really need to be here today?" Jesse asked exasperatedly. He didn't wait for me to answer, "I wish that I could be the one here for my daughter! It sucks that she doesn't know that I'm here…that I can't hug her when she's sad or sick."

It was times like this when I felt exceptionally bad for Jesse. I wish he could be a part of our lives just as much as he did. I know that it killed him to see his little princess retching into the ceramic toilet bowl and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

When six o'clock rolled around, I heard the ring of the doorbell while I was in Alyssa's room, tucking her in. She wanted to sleep again. Tonight was not going to be a peaceful night for either of us if she kept sleeping so often during the day.
"Alyssa, I'll be right back, I need to go answer the door."

I never told her that it was Brian that was at the door. If I had, she would have been so happy that she would've pushed herself out of bed to make sure that she could say hi to him. She was too sick to be doing any of that.

When I reached the door, I opened it to reveal a smiling Brian standing there, a solid, plastic container in his hands, "Hey."

"Hi, come on in, make yourself at home. I'm just going to go check on Alyssa one more time," I told him, walking into the house, him following me.

Not sure where he ended up- and frankly, not really caring at the moment- I walked back into Alyssa's room, seeing her wide awake, curled up in her blankets.

"Momma, I want to watch a movie!" Alyssa decided, then proceeded to cough three times, each cough becoming harsher than the last.

"Baby, you need your sleep, though," I tried to remind her, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she'd leave her stubborn streak behind.

"But mom! I want to watch Rugrats!" she complained, speaking of an old
cartoon VHS that my mom got me when I was a little older than Alyssa's age.

Knowing that arguing would get us no where today, and since she was sick, I decided to just let her have it her way.
"Alright, come on, then," I sighed, lifting her out of bed to make sure that she stayed wrapped in every single blanket.

Walking into the living room, I noticed Brian sitting on a chair, tucked away in the corner.

"Brian!" Alyssa spoke harshly, her voice coated with sickness.

"Hey Alyssa," he smiled sympathetically at my little girl, pale with sickness except for her cheeks that were bright red from heat.

"What're you doing here?" she asked as I set her on the couch, getting her all situated before I turned on the TV, popping in the old VHS that I owned.

"I'm here to help make you better," he told her.

"Here babe. I put Rugrats in, but try to get some rest, okay?" I tried to reason with my child.

When I saw that Alyssa was completely engrossed in the movie, watching as Tommy was convincing Chuckie to get over his 'scaredy' ways, I walked into the kitchen.

"SHIT!" I hissed in a whisper, my hands grasping my red hair. "Shit, shit, shit," I repeated.

"Hey hey hey," I heard a voice from behind me.
I turned around, excepting Jesse to be behind me, but wasn't exactly surprised to see Brian there, either.

"What's goin on?" he asked, worry etched on his face and in his voice.

"Nothing, it's just that," I sighed. "It's just that I have to go to the store. I have to get some things for Alyssa. God knows she's not going to get better any time soon. Gah, poor girl, when she gets sick, it hits her hard. I can't just leave her here, though! She's only six!" I started cracking my knuckles and neck, a nervous habit I had picked up a few years ago…right after Jesse had passed.

"Relax," Brian told me kindly, setting a hand on my shoulder and lightly pushing me into a kitchen chair. My first instinct was to pull away. He looked shocked and taken aback, but his face became solid, "I'll run to the store to get what you need. Just make a list for me. You look like you could use a nap of your own."

"Thanks, Brian," I smiled weakly up at him. "You're a lifesaver."

"No problem," he said, his face still set in stone. "Anything for Alyssa."

I was pretty sure that that comment was meant to sting, but it had no affect on me. Most likely because I was too busy getting a list together.

Grocery list:
Saltines
7Up
Freezies
Ice cream: mint choco chip
Coloring books [Max and Ruby]

"Um here, I think you might be able to find it at Target or something," I told him absentmindedly as I reached into my purse to grab fifty bucks to hand him. "Thanks again for doing this."

"It's no problem," Brian said, this time his prominent jaw bone wasn't so clenched. "And I've got it. Don't worry about paying for this."

"Seriously, Brian, just take it, please," I pleaded with him.
Previous experiences of people paying for my stuff and then holding it above my head taught me a lesson.

With an eye roll, he stole the money from my grasp and started to head out of the kitchen.
As soon as I heard the front door open and shut quietly, I noticed Jesse was making himself known.

"I really don't like this,"Jesse told me. "She's my child, Rae! She's mine! I hate that I can't be the one here. I can't be the one to run to the store and buy my child things that she needs."

"I know, Jess, I know. But babe, I can't," I stopped myself mid-sentence.

"What?" [I/]he asked curiously. "You can't what, Rae?"

"I can't bring you back," I mumbled, not wanting to sound so mean.

"Oh Rachel, I know you can't,"he smiled pitifully, floating over to me and stroking the back of his hand along my cheekbone. "I realize that. It's just, it's hard for me watching this amazing guy looking after our daughter. It's hard that I'm not the one taking care of her. I'll get over it, though. I'll have to."

"You don't have-" I stopped again. "Wait! What? This amazing guy?"

"Yeah, this amazing guy. He's great for you, Rachel. He's got nothing but good intentions running through that head of his."

"So," I bit my lip, trying to figure out how to phrase it, "you, er, approve?"

"Of course. I mean, I don't, really, but I can't be the one to fill his shoes,"Jesse laughed sardonically, looking at the empty space where his feet should've been. "I'm really not going to be a huge fan of any man that comes into the life of my two girls, but if he's got good intentions, and makes you even the slightest bit happy, I can't really argue."

I was about to say something back to him when I heard the front door open and close quietly and quickly.

"Jesse?" I asked him. When he raised his eyebrows in response, I continued, "I'm afraid."

"Don't be afraid, Rae. I'm always here,"he told him with a wink before disappearing out of sight, but definitely not out of mind.

I couldn't help but smile at Brian as he walked through the door, thinking about what Jesse had said about him.

"You wouldn't believe the look that I got from the girl at the checkout," Brian snorted. "One minute she's telling me how big of an Avenged fan she is, and the next, she's scanning the coloring book with a look of something just short of disgust."

"Well, I appreciate it more than you know," I told him earnestly, seriously.

"How's she doing?" he asked as he set the bag of bought items on the kitchen table, taking a seat in the chair nearest to him, across from me.

"She's in the same state as she was when you left," I told him.

"Mom," I heard Alyssa whine from the living room, her voice sounding weak.

I groaned, "Damn. I know that sound. Excuse me for a second."

I glided into the living room to sweep Alyssa up and off of the couch and hold her hair back after I set her in front of the toilet.
Once she was done vomiting, again, I wrapped her in her blankets and set her in front of the TV, noticing that Rugrats was over. I took it out and just turned the television to Nickelodeon. Before I was even out of the room, Alyssa was sawing logs.

Shuffling back into the kitchen, I noticed that Brian was cooking something in the microwave. He noticed me walking over to the same chair I was in earlier and brought me a bottle of water, "You look like you could use something stronger, but this should do for now."

"Thanks" I mumbled almost incoherently. "I really wish I could just twinkle my nose and make her better. I hate seeing her sick." I looked up to see that his face had scrunched up and immediately felt bad, "I'm sorry, I'm making you uncomfortable."

"No worries," he smiled. "And really, you're not. I can just…empathize. I'm sure that it's probably not completely the same, but whenever my little sister got really sick, I was always the one to jump to take care of her- well, along with my step mom- and I would've given anything to be the one to be sick."