The Poison

You think you're above me

You think you're above me

But now I'm here to envy

Four words to choke upon

He hadn't written for days. I felt like my skin was falling off my body. Coming home to an empty screen had caused me immeasurable anxiety. I'd spend my time watching the blank monitor, waiting for that ridiculous beep to sound, waiting for the first of his words to show up and shower me with relief. My mother began to worry. As if she didn't have enough problems...

"You haven't eaten for four days," she sighed, standing in my doorway once again. Her eyes lowered in anger. "You have to eat. But first, get off that damn computer!"

"No!" I yelled, feeling tears pricking the edges of my eyes. I rested my hands on my crossed legs, biting down on my lip as hard as possible to keep the moisture inside of me. I felt a quick pang of pain as my lip began to bleed freely. I lapped it up, trying to keep it hidden from my mother.

"Jesse," she cried desperately. "I don't know what to do anymore! You stay on this computer, and you're always hurting yourself!"

"No I'm not!" I argued, sucking on my lip. "I never intentionally hurt myself! And how the hell would you know anyway? You don't know me!"

"What happened to you?" she said in a near whisper, her eyes watching me curiously. Mine fought back, hatred consuming every fiber of my being.

"Get out!" I shrieked, balling my fists and shutting my eyes tightly. The tears no longer threatened to come through. I was too angry now. "Get out right now! Right now!"

My door shut. It was silent. I gnawed at my already pained lip and stood up, kicking my chair against the wall. It rolled away, almost ending up in front of the computer again. I smiled and fell on my bed, staring at the hole in the dry wall. An evil chuckle vibrated my vocal chords, filling my room. I lay back on my bed, shutting my eyes and drawing in the dark spaces under my eyelids. A picture of Matt appeared, his delicate face glowing through the darkness.

Beep...

I shot up straight at the oh so familiar sound. I rushed to my computer and moved the mouse, getting rid of the screen saver. Tears began to fall down my face as I watched Matt's words flow freely on my computer. A quiet sob escaped my throat as I pulled the chair under me and laid my head on the desk, shaking violently. I had to admit, this man was my salvation. I lifted my head up, my blackened eyes turning to his gracious words.

Betrayed one more time, but somewhere down that line, you're gonna get what's coming to you.

"Mom," I whispered softly, peeling at the wooden desk. "He's talking about my mom!" I shouted, standing back up and shaking the screen violently.

Look at me now.

Look at me now.

Look at me now.

"Look at me now, mom!" I screamed loudly, tugging on my keyboard. I grunted, pulling as hard as possible until it snapped. I threw it on my bed, collapsing on the floor. My fingers clawed at my forearms, pulling up dead unwashed skin and dark blood. "Look at me now!" I cried harder, feeling my chest heaving from my volume.

"Jesse?" my mom called, twisting at the locked door handle. She pushed against the door a couple of times and pounded loudly. "Jesse?! What's going on!?"

"Look at me now, mom!" I screamed at her, getting on my knees and staring at the door. I licked the salty tears off of my cheeks.

"Just let me in, please, honey?"

"Fuck you, leave me alone!" I laughed loudly, slapping the door hard.

"Jesse," she sobbed, walking away from my door. I checked the crack underneath to make sure she was no where around. I stood up slowly, staggering back to the computer. The words kept slipping from Matt's thin fingers.

Pull it out from my back, soon I'm the one that's on attack, can't wait to return the favor.

"Matt," I sighed, watching him type the rest of his lyrics. I blinked as soon as he signed off and sat in the middle of my bedroom, in a trance with the white walls. I watched them curve in and out, side to side. "Matt," I said again softly, rubbing my fingers up and down my arm. "Blood," I smiled, staring at my dark red fingertips. "Matt's blood. No...my blood." I rubbed my wounds softly, carefully watching the blood smear up and down my forearms. I ran a hand through my hair, the thick liquid safely holding it securely up. "Matt..." I whispered again as I laid down, curling up into a ball. I held my knees close to my chest. "Matt..."

"What the fuck happened to you, Jess?!" Tyler exclaimed as I walked into the school doors. His eyes were wide with fear as his mouth lay agape. I self-consciously crossed my arms, trying my best to hide all of my nail marks. He grabbed my wrist, careful not to latch onto an open wound. They'd begun to pus a bit. "What happened?"

"Let go!" I shouted, pulling away and re-crossing my arms. "Nothing happened. I got in a fight."

"With...?" he asked curiously

"None of your business, Tyler!" I spat evilly. Of course I fought. I fought with myself. Until the death. I was dead.

"Hey, whoa," a voice said from behind me. I turned around, ready to pull back my fist and give the next person who talked to me a piece of my mind. Matt didn't even hold his hands up.

"Matt?" I asked, my voice softening a bit. He nodded, his eyebrows rising slowly. "You're really here..."

"Yeah," he smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets. "You alrigh' there?" I looked down at my arms stupidly.

"I'm doing well, Matt. Really well."

"What happened?" he asked.

Fuck you, I thought. You act like you know me well enough to ask me that. As if you knew me much better than you really did. Or if you knew I was watching you every night until I slept. I wish he knew that without him I'd be dead.

"Nothing," I spat. "Nothing." He nodded, gazing off into the distance.

"Alright. See you in weights, I guess," he shrugged, beginning to head away.

Wait...I need you, Matt. I want to feel you. I want you to be real...

"Bye..." I whispered so softly that Tyler asked me to repeat myself. My eyes stayed glued to the splitting fibers of my barely torn jeans. "I want you to...hear me."