Light Me Up

I suppose that when you know someone else as well as you know yourself, that explains for how you’d know where to find them. That’s the way things used to be between Brian and I. We were always on the same wavelength. We could finish each other’s sentences. Twelve years of friendship, and it had all been taken away by one stupid argument.
Maybe it wasn’t just that one fight. It had been a series of them. We’d once been so very close, and then, I’d felt like he was actually trying his hardest to push me away. When I talked to the others who had stayed in the band, they often said that the reason Brian had wanted me to leave was that he felt we’d gotten too close. That maybe all of the playing around we did on stage had started to really get to him, that he’d begun to look differently at me.
At first, I hadn’t understood, but that was partially because I’d spent so much of the first year that I’d been out of the band completely wasted. I had turned to my beloved whiskey and speed for comfort, and it had nearly killed me. If it hadn’t been for the hotel maid, I probably would’ve been dead a little over five years ago.
Now, I had cleaned up my act, for the most part. I had never really needed the drugs like most of my friends did. I was creative and crazy all on my own without needing any help. I’d spent much of my time in the band drinking and doing drugs because Brian wanted to, and he wouldn’t do them on his own.
It was cold outside. Of course, New York in the wintertime is always cold. And I was still damn skinny. I guess it wasn’t my drinking and getting high that had kept me so thin. I shivered slightly as the door to the hotel lobby opened and a young couple came in. I knew that Brian would be there soon. I hoped that he would be happy to see me, but after six years, I wasn’t so sure.
An hour passed, and I walked around the hotel, listening through doors and observing the people around me. I wasn’t really trying to spy on people, I was just bored. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe my intuition had failed me, and Brian really wasn’t staying in this hotel. After all, he and I had stayed here once, long ago, with the band.
I remembered that night well. We had played a really amped up show, and after, Brian and I had spent an hour taking every drug we could get our hands on. He’d been tired from it all, and I’d felt sick. We’d gone up to the room, and both gotten into the same bed. We’d fought for it, but we were both too high to really care where we slept. So, in the end, we both slept in the bed, curled up together. Pogo had found it to be hysterically funny, and had taken a roll of pictures.
My mind refocused when I heard the sounds of teenage girls squealing in the lobby. I walked back down the hall, and smiled. There, surrounded by a gaggle of high school age girls, was Brian. He was writing on their arms with a black marker. I watched them all line up, get their autograph, and stop for a quick hug or kiss, whichever Brian decided they deserved.
Once they were gone, I realized that I was actually nervous. My heart was pounding, and I could hear the blood rushing through my ears. I had never been nervous around Brian. Why now? Perhaps it was the whole not having seen each other in six years thing that was getting to me.
After standing there like a scared rabbit for five or ten minutes, I decided that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk over to him and pretend that nothing had changed. Losing my best friend had broken my heart, and it still hurt too much for me to be able to talk to him.
Brian was sitting on a chair in the lobby. He must’ve been waiting for someone. I knew he couldn’t see me from where I was standing, and for that, I was grateful.
Quickly, I scurried out of the shadows, and headed up the staircase. I was wishing now that I had gotten a room, where I could hide. Instead, I’d have to stay in the bathroom for awhile, until I could figure out a way to get out of the hotel.
The bathroom was nice. Really nice. I splashed some water on my face, and sighed. This was a disaster. What had I been thinking, that I was ready for this? I would never be ready. Brian and I weren’t friends anymore, and we never would be again. I had to let go.
I’d only been in the bathroom for a few minutes, sitting on the closed toilet seat, when I heard the door open, heavy boots scraping against the white tile floor. I hoped that whoever it was wouldn’t think anything unusual of the end stall door being locked. I pulled my feet up, trying to prop them against the wall so that I wouldn’t be found out.
Had I not been trying to keep as quiet as possible, I would’ve laughed. Here I was, a grown man, and I was hiding in a bathroom stall in a swanky New York hotel. I was an idiot.
The footsteps echoed, walking from one end of the bathroom to the other. I could hear breathing outside of the stall door. I wondered what was going on, and considered taking a peek, but I knew that climbing up on the toilet to get a look would make too much noise.
It felt like ages, that the guy stood there. I wondered briefly if whoever it was knew that I was in there, and was waiting for me to come out. I guess that meant that I was being fairly paranoid, but I didn’t know what else to think.
A soft knock on the stall door had my heart hammering wildly. I wasn’t crazy. Someone did know that I was in there.
“Come on out, will you?”
I saw white spots. My blood pressure had gone through the roof, and I felt faint. It may have been six years since I’d last heard him speak to me, but I’d know that voice anywhere. Brian.
“Jeordie, I know you’re in there. Have you forgotten that I know you as well as you know me? I’m not going to yell at you. I just want to see you. It’s been a damn long time.”
I got down from the toilet seat, and slowly slid the lock across. I was still dizzy, but I was able to move a bit without feeling like I would pass out.
Brian opened the door, and he was actually smiling. “Hi, there.”
I nodded weakly.
“You look different. Of course, in all of this time, you would. You look older, and your hair…” His eyes were studying my face, and it made me feel shy and self conscious like never before.
“You look so thin. And pale…”
I was staring down at the floor. I knew I looked awful, I didn’t need him rubbing it in.
“Let me see your eyes.”
I looked up, not really so much at him as through him.
“Dull. Where’s your sparkle, Jeordie? Aren’t you happy at all?”
I stared back down at the tiles.
“Look, I don’t know why you felt the need to hide from me. You came here looking for me, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” I said ever so softly.
“Well, here I am. Say your piece, and let’s get on with it.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know…I just…” Words wouldn’t come to me, I was so nervous.
He reached out, and placed a hand under my chin, tilting my head up. “You miss me. I know it, Jeordie. Don’t you think that I’ve missed you all of these years, too?”
I shook my head no, and Brian let go of my chin. Both of his hands came up to touch my pale cheeks.
“You’re my best friend. I don’t know how I could’ve ever let you leave the way you did. I guess it broke us both. I’ve lost a lot in my life, but losing you was the worst, most horrible, painful thing I’ve ever had to go through.”
“We couldn’t keep fighting like that. It was destroying us, destroying the band.”
He nodded. “When you left, I felt like my heart had been torn out. I tried, God, how I tried, to go on without you. It’s never been the same. I’ve never really loved…” he stopped, his eyes tearing up. Brian almost never cried, and it made me uncomfortable.
“I shouldn’t have come,” I said quietly, as he took his hands away from my face. I thought that he was going to walk away and never look back, but instead, his arms circled me, and he pulled me into a tight hug.
We stood there, holding each other close for a long while. Finally, Brian let go, and rested his cheek against the top of my head.
“I’m so happy to have seen you tonight. Even if you walk away again, for a moment, I knew that you were missing me all of this time, too.”
I gently rubbed his forearm with my hand. I didn’t know why. It just felt right. He was obviously as upset and confused as I was.
He lifted his head, and pulled back, hands settling on my shoulders. “Can I be honest with you?”
“Of course.”
“I know that you kept in touch with the others. That you talked to Pogo, that he told you what happened. I know that you know that Tim really didn’t have anything to do with why I pushed you away.”
“Pogo tells a lot of stories. I know that.”
“Well, the one he told you was true. I confessed it all to him not long after you left, one night when I was very, very drunk.”
My head began to spin. I’d never really believed Pogo. Not fully, anyway.
“I realized that I was in love with you, and it scared me more than anything ever had before. I loved you so much, and no matter how hard I worked to convince myself that it was just a little crush on my best friend that would pass, it just got more and more intense. It got to the point that when we were alone together, the only thing I wanted to do was to kiss you and touch you and love you. But I knew that it was wrong, that it could never be.”
I had to sit down, so I backed into the stall, and sat back down on the closed toilet. This was a lot to process, and I was already feeling rather weak.
“I wanted to tell you, so many times, how I felt. But I was worried, what it would do to us, if you didn’t feel the same way. Instead, I pushed you away. It was easier, in my confused state, to get you to hate me than to ask if you loved me.”
I stood up, and came out of the stall. I put my arms around my former friend, and held him tightly.
“Unfortunately, I think that pushing you away was a worse fate than if I’d been honest with you. All of these years, I’ve always wondered what could’ve been.”
“We were high,” I said softly. “I was too high to understand what was going on. If I had known…” I was unable to continue. I felt faint again.
Brian lifted me up, and sat me on the counter beside the far right faucet. “Are you okay? You look like you’re about to pass out.”
I nodded, leaning against the wall for support.
“When’s the last time you ate?”
I honestly couldn’t remember.
“Okay. It’s not much, but it’s better than nothing,” Brian told me, taking something out of his pocket. He pressed a granola bar into my hand, and I accepted it gratefully. As I chewed, he gently stroked my hair.
When I was done, I sat the wrapper on the counter, and sighed deeply.
“Feel better?”
“Yes.”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
“I know.”
“Or, let me take care of you.”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to.
“Can I take you out for a late dinner?”
“I don’t really…” I began, but I knew that even though he’d asked, he was going to insist on it.
“You don’t want to go out. That’s fine. There’s always room service. I’ll stay with you while you eat.”
“I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I didn’t say that you did.”
My eyes were cold, unwilling to light even the tiniest bit for him. This was why this had been a bad idea. He still loved me, and I still loved him.
“You don’t have a room, do you?”
“No,” I confessed, looking down at the floor. I was doing a lot of that tonight.
“Well, I do. Do you even have a place to go tonight?”
“I was going to stay with a friend.”
“You can do that right here.”
I looked back up at him. “Are we friends?”
“Of course.”
I got down from the counter. “I thought we had drifted too far apart to be friends.”
“Never.”
“Oh.”
His hands were on my cheeks again. “I’m so sorry, for the past six years. I should have swallowed my pride. I should have been honest with you.”
I shrugged.
“I know that it doesn’t make a difference, but if I had told you, would you have left?”
I thought for a moment. Really considered it. “No.”
He let out a small sob. “Did you…love me?”
“Yeah. I did.”
A single tear rolled down his pale cheek. “All of this pain, and we could’ve been happy.”
I reached up, and brushed away his tear. “We still could be happy.”
He looked at me with the saddest eyes I’d ever seen. “It’s too late. I’ve hurt you too much.”
“No. I’ve never stopped loving you. And I don’t think you’ve stopped loving me, either.”
His hands stroked my cheeks. “I haven’t. Of course I haven’t. I still love you as much as I did the night you went away.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could say anything, Brian was kissing me. It wasn’t like the kisses we’d shared on stage. This one was soft, tender, and passionate. I kissed him back with everything I had, and in that moment, I’d never felt closer to him.
When we finally parted, he smiled at me, and tucked a lock of my black hair behind my ear. “I love you, Jeordie. Please, come back to me. Come back to the band.”
I would’ve agreed to just about anything right then, in exchange for another kiss. So, I told him that I would. I’d never seen him so happy. He lifted me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. We were kissing harder this time, and his hands were sliding up the back of my shirt.
“Brian,” I said breathlessly, pulling back.
He must’ve thought that I was going to tell him to stop, the way his happiness suddenly faded. He wasn't wrong. It had been a long time since we'd been anything at all to each other.
I followed him back to his room, and we sat and talked for a long time. It was kind of nice, catching up. I was about to leave, it was getting late, and I was tired. I stretched, and stood up, heading for the door.
Room service came then, and Brian passed me to open the door. He tipped the man, and lifted the dome over one of the plates to make sure that he’d brought actual food, and then dismissed him.
“Come and eat. You look like you need a good meal.”
I laughed, although it was just nervous laughter.
We ate quietly, with few words exchanged. I cleaned my plate for the first time in a long time. I felt strangely hungry now that I didn’t feel so sad about the loss of my closest friend anymore.
“Well, you were hungry,” Brian said gently as he put my plate back on the cart and pushed it back into the hallway. He stopped to lock the door, and we went back to sitting on the bed.
“Thank you for dinner.”
“Yeah. Sure.”
“I’d offer to pay, but I know you well enough to know that you won’t let me.”
“Your company is payment enough. You know, it’s lonely, eating by myself every night.”
“Don’t you have dates?”
He sighed, and rubbed his cheek and chin in thought. “Not often. It never works out. I tried, a few times, to be in love with someone else. Each time, it ended badly.”
“I know about Dita and Evan. Were there others?”
He nodded. “None that serious, though. Honestly, I don’t know if even those two were serious. With Dita, I was simply trying to fill the hole in my heart that you left me with. Evan, though…I really tried with her, but she just wasn’t you. I don’t know how to explain it.”
“So, basically, my leaving ruined your life?”
Brian hesitated to respond. “Partially.”
“I know the feeling.”
He reached over, and took my hand. “I really hope that telling you this hasn’t changed things.”
I shook my head. “You and I, we’re so much the same. My life has been a train wreck, too. That’s why I came here. I need to live again. To be happy, even if it’s not forever.”
“I would love to make you happy.”
“And I’d love to be happy.”
Brian raised my hand, and kissed the back of it so gently that it felt like a feather brushing against my skin.
That was all it took. I pounced on him, crawling to him so that I sat on his lap, arms around his neck, kissing him hard.
We fell back onto the bed when we parted for air, and lay on our sides, looking deeply into each other’s eyes between kisses.
“What would you say if I told you that I’m sure?”
Brian’s eyes were looking so deeply into my own that I felt that he was looking into my soul. He smiled. “I would say that I believe you. The sparkle in your eyes is back.”
I smiled. “You always have known how to light me up.”
“So, what do you say about coming back to the band?”
I gave him a dramatic eye roll. “You’re going to have to beg harder than that.”
He slid off of the bed, and got down on his knees. “Please, oh, please, my super amazing and wonderfully talented friend, will you do me the honor of coming back to our band?”
“Our band?”
“Who else’s would it be?”
“You tell me.”
He slowly shook his head. “Just yours and mine. It’s always been the two of us, since the day you walked into my life.”
I tried to mask my smile. Of course I was going to say yes, but I was quite enjoying the concept of having him beg and sweat it out. I would wait a day or two to tell him that I’d return. Now that I’d had a taste of having Brian back in my life and even the possibility that we could be more than friends, there was no way that I was going to go back to the miserable existence I’d been living for the past six years. This time, the story would have a happy ending. I would make sure of that.