A Match into Water

“I’m scared,” Kellin whispered. Vic squeezed his hand, comforting him as much as he could. He knew how terrified his boyfriend - no, the love of his life was right now. Or perhaps, he didn’t. He just knew that he could recognize the fear in his eyes and it practically killed him that he could do nothing to make it go away.

“I’m not leaving you,” said Vic softly in his ear. “Not ever.”

“But I’m leaving you,” Kellin whined, his eyes filled to the brim with tears once again. “Vic… I love you so much..”

Vic moved his arm, pulling Kellin closer to him, holding him in his arms. The large bed that they shared was always so warm, but tonight it felt so cold, so foreboding, so unfamiliar as the two boys looked in to each others’ eyes. “I love you too, Kels,” said Vic. He tilted Kellin’s chin towards his to plant a soft kiss to his lips. It spread warmth through their shivering bodies. “I promise it’s going to be okay…”

“You can’t promise something, especially when we both know it’s not true… you’re not going to be okay,” said Kellin. Vic bit his lip, unsure if now was really the time to tell him. They’d found out only weeks ago about the cancer and it had shocked them. The doctors said Kellin had no chance of surviving. Treatment would only cause him more pain - it was simply too late to do anything; so they waited. They went every where they needed to go and all the while Kellin was getting sicker and sicker, and Vic had to watch helplessly as he slipped away from him.

He’d done everything in his power to make sure their final weeks were the best of his life. Filled with family, friends, and partying. They drove to the beach in the middle of the night to watch the sun rise on a deserted beach and that was when Vic had brought out the ring he had bought a while back but was waiting for the right time to give. Kellin cried then. They both did. But that moment had been so important to them because for that instant, it was happy tears. It was one of Kellin’s favorite things to think about and the corner of his mouth always twitched at least a little whenever the light glinted off the metal bands around their left index fingers.

All of that was away from them now. Kellin didn’t have much time. He was pale and weak and could hardly walk on his own now. Vic was there wait on him hand and foot, to make him smile when he needed it, to make him laugh and kiss him when he felt most down. It wasn’t dying that depressed him. It was the thought of leaving Vic behind, along with the band and the rest of his friends. The final moments of blissful happiness were over. Now it was time to face the music.

“I know you’re in pain, Kels,” Vic breathed. Kellin nodded; there wasn’t any point in denying it. His whole body hurt. “…If we died at the same time, would it still scare you as much?”

Kellin stared at Vic, eyes wide. “You don’t mean that you would-“

“I would,” Vic cut him off. “I would, and I will, and you know I wouldn’t be able to go on very long without you anyways, so please don’t make me live a single day without you next to me,” he pleaded, desperation and sorrow slipping in to his voice.

“How?” Kellin asked.

Vic reached in to his pocket, a little awkwardly since they were laying on their bed, and pulled out a small orange bottle. “It’ll be like falling asleep,” he whispered. Kellin eyed him cautiously, his eyes filled with pain.

“Vic, I want you to-“

“Don’t,” Vic said quickly, not letting him continue. “Don’t start with the ‘live for me’ crap cause you know that I can’t do it.”

Kellin nodded; Vic was right again. He was always right. “We’re going to die tonight,” he breathed. Vic didn’t move, didn’t say anything. He just looked at the boy he loved for the longest moment before moving forward to kiss him once more. “So… you have enough for both of us then? You won’t let the cancer take me?”

“If that’s the way you want it,” Vic answered. Kellin just nodded and puckered his lips, willing Vic to kiss him again. “It’ll be like falling asleep… It’ll be okay, right?”

Kellin shrugged, looking at the bottle of pills again. “Not yet,” he whispered. “I just wanna lay with you while both our hearts are still beating.”

So there they lay for a while. Vic held Kellin close to him and breathed in the scent of his hair. His skin was so pale; paler than usual. But to Vic he was just as breath taking in appearance as the day he first saw him. Not a single tear rolled down their cheeks - but if you ask me, that’s only because they had no more tears to cry, especially not Vic. They lay in silence, until one would bring up a memory. Maybe it was a few hours but either way it wouldn’t be long enough. Around four in the morning though, Kellin stopped talking. He was falling asleep. Vic swallowed the lump in his throat knowing that Kellin wasn’t going to wake up, and popped open the bottle of pills, dumping them in to his palm, his arm jostling Kellin slightly as it was still wrapped around him.

“Kels,” Vic said quietly. “Kellin, wake up babe,”

“Yeah?” said Kellin, his voice slurred slightly. “I’m… I’m up,”

“Open up, okay? It… It’s time,”

“It’s time.” Kellin repeated his words, eyes open as slits. “It hurts..”

“This will make you feel better… I think… I think you’ll go a lot more peacefully with these,” said Vic. Kellin nodded, weakly taking half the pills from Vic, who handed him a bottle of water from the nightstand. It wouldn’t be long now and together they swallowed them, one by one. It took mere minutes for Vic to feel dizzy.

“I love you, Kellin,” Vic whispered, needing to hear his voice one last time.

“I love you too, Vic… I love you so much…”

Vic closed his eyes and squeezed the hand he was holding, alarmed by the fact that it didn’t squeeze back. “It’ll be okay,” Vic repeated. “It’ll be just like… falling asleep..”