Tolden James: The Unusual Diaries

--Wednesday, July 1st, 8:05 AM

You know how most of the time when you're sleeping, you dream in parts? One minute you'll be standing at the top of the empire state building and find out you're a secret shopper whose mission is to stake out all of the thieves of the upper atmosphere, and the next you'll be in a mental institution named Claymoore with a psychotic inpatient named Lisa, screaming in your face about someone named Jamie.

Wait...

Maybe that last part was actually a real movie.

In this nights dream, I was a secret shopper, but instead of admitting myself to a mental hospital, I ended up falling off the building and landing in my bed. I hate it when that happens. I'm forced to awake in the middle of a very edge-of-my-seat kind of dream and back to reality I land, usually out of breath.

My eyelids are so incredibly heavy that my eyes begin to burn when I try to open them, slowly but surely. They flutter open and I immediately hear what sounds like footsteps in my kitchen. Rather than being scared, I'm annoyed that I have to check out where the sounds are coming from. Is it wrong that I would be welcomed to a burglar so long as I got a few extra minutes of sleep? I could always pretend I didn't hear the footsteps... Couldn't I?

Just as I start to come to terms with the idea, I hear a voice mumble some obscenity. Great. Now I have to check it out.

I stir out of bed and grab the nearest weapon substitute I can find. It turns out to be a long and sturdy candle stand from my entertainment center. That should scare 'em off. So, I round the corner to the kitchen and low-and-behold, there is someone rummaging through my refrigerator!

"I have a weapon!" I warn anxiously.

"You call that a weapon, Tolly?" Tracy friggin' Gartner pops out from behind the refrigerator door. What the hell would possess her to show up at my apartment at eight o' clock in the morning? She sees my baffled expression and adds, "Sorry, Tolly! I was just in the neighborhood and I got really hungry... Also I have to use the bathroom. Where is it?"

My mouth is still hanging open in shock as I point down the hallway to the bathroom. She makes sure to give me the tightest hug before she passes me into the hallway, adding an exasperated "I missed you, Tolly!"

I drop the the candle holder and plop down on my thrift store couch, waiting for her to finish her business. And to think, I actually expected my past to... I don't know, be in the past! I guess I should feel lucky that she didn't bring her friends. Or my friends. Whatever.

She finally makes it out of the bathroom, wiping her hands on her pants as she takes a seat next to me.

"Tracy, not that I'm not happy to see you, but... How did you get in?" I ask curiously.

She laughs at me as if it's common knowledge. "You're landlord let me in, silly."

I haven't even met my landlord! My mom was the one who did all of the business while I was packing my things! Why on earth would he just let a stranger into my apartment?

"I'm gonna have to have a word with him..."

She laughs again, more sarcastically this time. "He said you two had already met... Plus, I told him I was your sister. He just... unlocked the door. Simple as that."

"That's a mistake. I don't know the--"

"Are you feeling okay, Tolly?"

"Yeah, why?" I question.

"Well, you act like you forgot that I told you I was coming over and now... You can't even remember your date last night? What's going on?"

"I knew you were coming over, Tracy... I didn't know you were going to break in and startle me half to death at eight in the morning... And how do you know I went on a date?"

"Gavin! Your landlord told me! Geez, you must be out of it." She boredly takes out her nail file and begins filing away at her nails as I sit in wonderment.

Gavin didn't tell me he was my landlord! And that freak has a key to my place... What if he comes in and starts talking to me about his celebrity autograph collection. This plot line just keep thickening in the worst places. Like when you eat McDonalds and hope it doesn't go to your thighs. That maybe, it'll pick a different place, like your ass, to settle. Or your boobs.

"Tolden, you look like hell. Ge ready so we can go!" She rushes out of nowhere.

--Wednesday, July 1st, 10:40 AM

So, here's the down low on what's been going on with Tracy since I left. Her ex found out that we threw the eggs and threatened to sue her for the damage. They soon after got back together when he saw her with another guy, that guy being Byron. She's been looking for a job but is having a hard time because she's so incredibly distracted lately, seeing how her boyfriend has in own place and... You know. Snuggling just isn't enough these days. Speaking of which, she says she had a little pregnancy scare a few days ago when she didn't get her period right away. "Oh, but don't worry Tolly! I got it today! I'm all good!" Yeah... Oh, and she's not speaking to Katie or Emilia because she found about a little threesome they partook in, involving her boyfriend... That she is still with.

"I know Dillon can be kind of a dick sometimes, but he's a nice guy! Really, he is... And I lost it to him," she whispers. "We're so much more serious now, Tolly. You have no idea... I can't just leave him."

"But he can leave you..." I aware her.

"He wouldn't... Especially not after last night." She smiles innocently and as subtle as she's trying to make her actions sound... I'm a big girl. I can pick up on her hints. I shake my head and seems to have wondered into a daze, likely thinking about the night in question. I don't want to know, and I'm sure you don't either.

We took Tracy's car to this otherwise secret destination and finally pull up to a large professional looking building in the city. It's the new building that was just finished no more than a month ago. My senior class toured it before its grand opening and they showed us around all thirty-two floors. Apparently, it's a company called TeenShrink that specializes in counseling teens through the regular adolescent issues or whatever. I thought it seemed pretty cool when we toured it, but now it's seems a little overdone. Thirty-two floors for what? Either way, Tracy is quite taken with the place and she has an interview for a job at eleven.

We enter the buildings clean silver glass doors and head to the reception desk.

"My name is Tracy Gartner, I have an eleven o' clock with Michael Freelander," she announces to the receptionist who checks a list of hers and smiles at Tracy.

"You're appointment will be in just a few minutes, Miss Gartner. Freelander is on thirty-two."

"Ooh, top floor," Tracy beams.

The elevator doors were bright pink with teen and shrink on either door in white bold letters. A little fancy if you ask me. As the doors separated we were greeted by an almost full group. Three rather strange looking people stood staring at us. I averted my eyes as quickly as possible simply because these people all frightened me. Tracy just smiled at them all...

There was a guy standing in one of the back corners rubbing his nipples with the straightest and most serious face I'd ever seen. He was a Caucasian male with cornrows and pants that sagged pass his thighs. He wore a skin tight pink t-shirt with the company logo on it in white letters and he wore very thick black eyeliner. His hair was really the only presentable thing about him, slicked back without the gel. Tracy obviously noticed him too, as she nudged me and nodded towards him. I nodded back and examined the other two.

A very obvious couple stood to my right, staring into each other's eyes passionately but doing nothing else. They were two very attractive people, also wearing the company logo.

The sketchy guy in back taps my shoulder causing me to jerk my head towards him.

"Do you know what your insides look like?" He asks me, staring blankly into my eyes. My eyes widen accordingly, as I'm becoming increasingly more uncomfortable in this elevator. I shake my head no.

He continues to stare directly into my eyes and as much as I turn away, he still manages to steal eye contact. His hand slips to the top of my shoulder and slowly aids its way down to my wrist. Tracy isn't seeing any of this! I'm afraid to open my mouth, fearing he might do something rash. His hand stops on my stomach and my hands begin to shake in fear. When does this elevator ride end? Look back at me Tracy! Save me!

"BOOM!" He yells, slamming his hand into my stomach. Everyone turns towards us, startled. My eyes actually begin to tear as I notice him about to speak again. "You're pregnant..."

We finally reach the thirty second floor and I dart out of the elevator, Tracy following slowly behind me.

"Did you see any of that?!" I ask hysterically.

She hushes me as we're on a quiet floor and my mouth drops open in shock. I feel the intensity of the situation deserves a little recognition. Someone get me a pregnancy test so I can stop feeling so biblical!

A lady in a pencil skirt and professional white button down comes out of a set of glass doors in the center of the room. "Tracy Gartner," she calls.

Tracy painfully nudges me on the arm before following the lady into the office. I stay behind, praying that weirdo doesn't come over to me...

On the other hand, that snack machine in the far corner is looking fine. Filled with Snickers, Doritos, Mentoes, Hersheys, and everything else I secretly dream of bathing in. I take a crumpled up dollar out of my pocket and straighten it out, finally settling for some Cool Ranch Doritos. Tasty.

Behind me on the far side of the room, that strange man is harassing some other lonely girl who's playing around on her Blackberry. A part of me feels that traumatizing experience I underwent should trigger me to stand up for the poor girl, but I'd rather keep my distance. After all, he's not fondling her stomach like he did mine...

I take my phone out and boredly search the apps menu for a game to play. Everyone has been raging about Angry Birds and Draw Something... But I chose a new poison, entitled SongPop.

I play for the entire twenty-three minutes Tracy is away and loose every challenge. How could I win with that music selection? Everyone I went up against chose "Today's Hits" which I obviously know nothing about. It's not like I was able to buy the playlist I wanted with such a limited amount of coins! I was cheated!

Tracy exits the office with a huge smile plastered on her face and one of those TeenShrink shirts I keep seeing people wearing. "I got the job!" She squeals, wrapping me in a hug.

"That's great," I coo. "What will you be doing here?"

She shushes me and pulls me back into the elevator which is empty this time. "Ever heard of Secret Shoppers?"

"No, what are they?" I question.

"They're like these people that department stores hire to pretend to shop in their stores..." I don't understand. Why would they want people to pretend to shop there? She continues explaining at the site of my confused expression. "The secret shoppers watch the actual shoppers. They catch the people who try to steal... Do you get it now?"

I nod understandingly. "So they're like spies... What does this place need spies for?"

She shakes her head and looks at the floor numbers above us. We're at thirteen and suddenly as she continues her speech speeds up. "No, no, no. I'm not a spy, I'm more of a distraction. Okay? It's like the people that come in here for, ya' know, Shrinks or whatever... I act unconventionally so they can get their problems off of their minds. Do you get it?"

I shake my head. What a strange job she has... "Try and keep up, Tolly. The people that come in here to vent about their problems to the actual shrinks are almost always in a bad place... So people like me will do things to distract them from their issues, even if it's only for a minute or two. Okay?"

"Why are you talking so fast, Tracy?" I ask. Her mouth was practically traveling at the speed of a machine gun.

"Because people aren't supposed to know! They're supposed to be caught off guard!" We arrive at floor one and make our way out of the building.

Now I get it! That would explain that disgusting couple and the nipple-tickler in the elevator earlier... Needless to say, I was definitely caught off guard and distracted from my landlord issues.

"Tracy, I can honestly say, you're a perfect choice for the job." She smiles at me and we drive back to my duplex. We share a parting hug before I get out and head upstairs.

"We should hook up sometime, Tolden. Maybe we'll have another sleep over at your place this time."

A nod her way before walking off. That idea doesn't actually sound that terrible.

Gavin pops out of his front door, shocking the hell out of me. "Did I hear sleep over?" I gasp and try to catch my breath, ignoring him and sinking into my front door.

I click the play button on my answering machine.

"Tolden, sweetie! It's your mommy! I was just calling to make arrangements for the fourth! I want you to come over. You're father and I miss you, sweetie. It'll be fun! We'll have fireworks and pound cake and everything! Call me back!"

Beep.