Stay Away, Sweet Misery

“Mom?” A younger me called through the house. Fear was laced in my voice. The house was completely quiet; no television playing, no music playing through the old stereo my dad fixed up several years ago; there was absolutely nothing. But I knew my mom was home, and I knew this quietness was unusual for her.
It seemed as if my footsteps echoed on the wooden floors as my hand lightly brushed against the tan wall of the hallway. I don’t know why, but deep down, I had a feeling whatever I found at the end of the hall wasn’t going to be good. Oh how right I was.
My hand seemed to shake slightly as I turned the doorknob to my parents’ bedroom; the pit in my stomach intensifying.
“M-mom?” my voice stuttered as the door creaked open, but I didn’t dare look at what was in the room, instead I looked at the floor. You know how some people have an instinct where they just know that something is wrong? I have always had that instinct, but it just seemed heightened at this moment.
“Go away, Haylynn,” my mom’s voice said, but it sounded choked, like she was crying. I instantly looked up, worried why my mom would be crying. But I wish I never did that.
There my mom was, my beautiful mother, her makeup completely smudged from crying and a gun pointed at her head all the while her hand was shaking.
“Mom!” my voice screeched in terror as I realized what she was planning on doing, and I instantly broke down in tears.
“I said go away Haylynn!” she yelled at me, but I could barely hear her over my sobbing. She realized seconds later that I wasn’t going to move, so she whispered one last thing to me, one thing I’ll always remember. “Please don’t think this is your fault, Haylynn. I love you sweetheart, always remember that.”
I don’t know why she did it, but I watched as she slowly pulled on the trigger. I should’ve looked away; I should’ve ran, but I just couldn’t. It just felt as if my feet were glued to the floor as I watched my mom’s life be destroyed by her own hands.
BANG!
A scream escaped through my lips as I watched her slowly fall back onto the bed, the gun instantly falling from her hands and clattering to the floor. I collapsed on the floor, my sobs and screams echoing through the entire house as the gun continued to ring through my ears and the entire scene replayed through my head on repeat.

“Haylynn? Haylynn wake up!” I heard a voice frantically call to me while I felt my shoulder being shook over and over. My eyes instantly flew open and I shot up from my laying position in the bed. Tears were streaming down my face and sobs continued to escape from me even though I was now awake as Joel pulled me into a hug.
“It’s just a dream, Haylynn; it won’t ever happen again, I promise,” Joel whispered into my ear, knowing exactly what I had to be dreaming about to get that much of a reaction out of me.
“I miss her,” I managed to say through sobs and he nodded understandingly, even though he didn’t understand what I went through and, more likely than not, never will.
“I know sweetheart, I know,” Joel soothed as he ran his hand up and down my back soothingly.
“It’s been almost ten years, Joel, ten years! And I can still remember it like it was yesterday!” I cried out loudly thankful that it was just Joel and I because I’d probably cause a scene.
We sat in silence for several more minutes before Joel finally spoke up. “Haylynn, I need to tell you something and you need to promise not to get mad.”
My heart started to race as every possible ran through my head, but none of them made much sense. I nodded my head for him to continue since it seemed like my voice wouldn’t work.
“You’re coming on tour with us,” he said simply.
“No,” I said barely above a whisper. I hated touring; I absolutely loathed everything about touring. Living on a bus with a bunch of guys, sleeping in the uncomfortable bunks, the terrible food the buses have; the list goes on. I just hated every aspect of touring.
“Please Haylynn! I need you to go, ok?” Joel begged.
“Why Joel? Why do you need me to go with you? I’m perfectly fine staying home!” my voice continued to raise every word. I can’t go, I just can’t!
“Do you not remember what just happened? How you woke up and completely freaked like that? What if that happened when I was on tour and there wasn’t anyone here to help you? What if you had another breakdown like last time I went on tour and left you at home alone? Haylynn, I can’t let you do that to yourself again; I can’t let you hurt yourself like that again. I’m scared to leave you alone, Haylynn. I’m sorry, I know how much you hate going on tour, but I can’t leave you alone and have to worry every day about if you’ll still be alive when I came back,” Joel’s argument started out loud, but by the end, his voice was barely above a whisper as he thought back to what I had done to him.
Guilt overtook as I was once remembered how much I had hurt him. He was my best friend and he’s done everything he could for me, and how have I repaid him? A visit to the hospital; a doctor telling him there’s a chance he could lose his best friend that day; the same day he returned home from a three week tour, excited to tell me about how amazing it was and how he wished I was there with him to experience it with him.
“Fine, I’ll come with you,” I told him. I won’t put him through that again; I can’t do that to him again.
“Thank you so much, Haylynn. I really do want you with me; all the guys do,” Joel told me while pulling me into a grateful hug.
“Help me pack?” I asked him. I knew This Century was starting their summer tour in only a couple days; they told me this as soon as they found out they would be on the tour. But nobody ever even hinted I was going with them, so my best bet was to start packing now that way I’ll be ready for their tour.
“Of course,” Joel said with a smile, happy I didn’t make this hard for him to get me to go with. Honestly, I’m grateful Joel is forcing me to go because I’m scared of what I might end up doing all alone here in Arizona while the guys were gone for a month. Besides, maybe this could be good for me.