Clueless

*Ben's p.o.v.*

I woke up half-naked with Danny sitting on my chest, licking my cheek.
"Ew," I complained, pushing him off my chest. He fell to the floor with a yelp.
I chuckled sleepily and rolled onto my stomach, burying my head in the pillow that still smelled faintly of Danny, my roommate, that is. I missed him. I really did. Fuck.
Danny the dog jumped onto my butt and I growled.

This was how it had been for the past three weeks: the new puppy was my best friend, basically. I was talking a bit with Cameron and James again, and Sam as well. I still went to therapy, but since I'd started talking again Mr. Tony had taken a day off of my therapy days, leaving six.
Misha didn't have a constant watch on me, but instead escorted me if I left my room. He didn't stick around much after that.

The dog whined and pawed at my shirt until I turned over. He fell to the floor again, this time letting out a sharp, annoyed bark.
I sat up, coming to the conclusion that I wouldn't be getting back to sleep until later.
Danny hopped into my lap and sat down, his tail thumping.
He glanced over at Daniel's bed and his tongue poked out of his mouth.

I raised an eyebrow and patted his head. "What's wrong, mate?"
He whined and leaped off me, then looked up at me. I got up, cracking my back, before squatting down.
"What?"
He howled and scratched at Daniel's mattress.
"Fine," I muttered, sitting down in front of the bed on the floor. Danny sat next to me and scratched at the same spot on the mattress.
I didn't understand. What did he want me to do? Was there some kind of food or dead thing stuffed between the mattress?
I reached under it and felt around, half expecting something to bite my hand off.
I pulled my hand away when I felt something, but realized it wasn't alive. I reached inside again and tugged it out, revealing an old leather notebook.

"What's this?" I asked, giving Danny a wide eyed look. He licked my collarbone and barked.
I wiped the slobber from off my neck with a huff before turning my attention back to the book.
I opened it, anticipating ancient pages with old person handwriting, but got something different.

Daniel,
I'm sorry about your parents. It is unthinkable they would just
leave you like that... But then again, I'm leaving you as well.
I'm not an appropriate mother figure.
I hear you singing sometimes in the attic.
I bought this for you. You were always creative.
I hope you can leave us- your family- behind, and begin a
journey where you'll be happy.
Goodbye, love.
Grandmum

I stared at the page in disbelief. "This is... Danny's?" I whispered to no one in particular.
"Thank you," I muttered, pulling Danny the dog to my chest. "Good boy." How had he found this?
I set him back down and reread the letter.
From what I could understand, Danny's parents had left him, and his grandmum had taken him in only to leave him, too.
Poor Danny...
I had to admit, I was a bit angry with Danny's family. They were just as bad as mine, really.
I sighed, turning the page. I looked at the two words.
I'm alone.
There was a red smudge in the corner, and a bunch of crinkled bits on the page from what I was guessing was tears.

I felt my heart drop into my stomach. It just made me so upset to see that.
He'd cut himself. And he was crying.
I just hated the thought of him being like that, with no one to comfort him.

I flipped to the next page, finding what looked like a rough draft for an essay. Words crossed out here and there, a header. It was about half of a page.

Alerion
fuck this
cross my heart
I hope you die
left by the roadside
karma's a bitch, right?
cross my heart
I hope you die
left by the roadside
karma's a bitch, right?

I bit my lip. How angry had he been when he wrote this? Was it about his family?

I continued going through the book, finding more lyrics. They were so filled with emotion. Hate. Fear. Anger. Sadness. Misery. Some talked about drugs and sex and drinking, and it made me think about if he'd gotten into that kind of thing...
The weird thing was, I tried to imagine him singing them. Not necessarily to me, but just singing them. I'd heard him in the shower, and he would sing along when I put on Black Sabbath or Motley Crue, and some others. It was still hard to think of, much less make it manifest in my mind.
It also made me want to cry because I wanted him here with me.

Danny the dog must have sensed how I was feeling and nudged my arm, licking my hand.
I smiled at him and he whined, so I pulled him onto my lap.
I felt a little comforted to know that I had someone- or something rather- to hold while beating myself up by reading Danny's notes. I just couldn't stop. I had to know everything he'd written.

I stopped flickering through pages when I reached one that said my name. My heart skipped a beat.

Today I got dropped off at the mental facility that the social worker was talking about. She'd referred to it as a house instead, but basically it just verifies the fact that I'm mad.
My roommate's name is Benjamin, but he gets angry when people call him that, so I guess I should write Ben instead, though a quite fancy the name Benjamin. It suits him either way, really.
I guess you could say I'm crushing on him. He's perfect. His voice. His eyes. His hair. His body. But that doesn't matter, really. I don't stand a chance.
He treats me friendly enough, but I can tell he doesn't like me very much. I'm invading his space.
When he first looked into my eyes I felt something weird. Like my brain did some sort of jolt type thing? I wanted to touch him. Not in a dirty way, just touch his arm or hand. I almost had a panic attack just from the effort of holding back, not to mention I hadn't exactly had social interaction for a while. He's mysterious. He won't tell me what he's in for.
He calls me Danny instead of Daniel. I love it. He also told me I was a good singer. It boosted my mood by 100%.
Mr. Tony told me to start writing every day, sort of like a journal. So I guess I will.

My throat closed up and my heart exploded with happiness, then I realized that I would never get to tell him that I felt the same way.
I crumpled against the bed and dropped the notebook, wrapping my arms around the Danny the dog tightly instead.
He nuzzled against my chest before slipping out of my grasp, scratching the floor next to the notebook. He whined loudly, giving me those puppy eyes.

"What?" I muttered in confusion. It's not like he was actually speaking.
Wow. I'm doing what a dog tells me to. Mental, much?
Danny let out a sharp bark and I growled in response, snatching the book up in annoyance.
"Persistent little git," I huffed, and in turn he nipped at my arm. I smiled slightly and it slipped quickly after I opened to the back of the notebook.

I reread the words at least fifty times before it actually hit me, causing the notebook to fall from my hands and snap shut as it came in contact with the floor.
I scrambled to my feet and threw open the door, not bothering to close it as I ran through the hallways without a shirt. I was just in my joggers, but I didn't turn back.
I dodged people congregating in the hallways, finally making it to Sam's room. I knocked a few times, out of breath.
The door opened instantly and Cameron stood there, his toothbrush jammed in his mouth. He pulled it out and mumbled a 'oh, what's up, Ben?'

I noticed Danny had followed me and reached down, scooping him into my arms. I was shaking badly and I gazed at Cam, my throat dry.

"He... He's alive," I whispered. "Danny's alive."