‹ Prequel: Crowded Room
Sequel: Heaven Can Wait ›
Thinking of Winter
Jace
I stared at Liam for a long moment , neither of us speaking or breaking eye contact. After a long moment of silence, I finally spoke. "If only you knew, Liam. Oh, god, if only you truly knew," I said, just over a whisper. "It was a huge mistake to ever leave your side, I became a shadow of who I was ... or am now. All that was ever me disappeared."
I looked at our hands and studied the muscles in Liam's hands. "I heard you that night you were in the club," he whispered, causing me to look up at him. "That song you sang. I could hear and feel your pain as if it were my own. I didn't say anything to anyone because I refused to forgive you after that night."
"I didn't ever expect you to forgive me, I still don't. That night, though," I said, looking Liam in the eye, "I didn't expect to remain in shadows for as long as I did. I was praying that you or Zeth would come after me. Time went by, no sight of either of you, and so I started getting in routine of being there. Every minute that passed, I was sinking more and more into depression. I wanted to come back, to apologize for everything I've done to hurt you, and to fall into your arms, knowing you still loved me."
"Then why'd you run?" I heard Zeth behind me. I didn't look at him, just sat down and brought my legs to my chest. "Then why'd you resist?"
"When I heard your car, everything that was ever good in my life that I lost flashed before me. I was afraid then that if I came back, Liam would be dead, you would get killed for real, and then I would truly be alone," I said, the tears falling.
"Then you should have stayed," Liam said, lifting a hand and wiping the tears. "I would have bounced back quicker knowing I had you." I stared at Liam for a long moment, unsure of what to say.
"I've always loved you, Liam. Truly. I suppose the main reason why I left is because I didn't want to think about the deaths of my own parents. That wound still hurts more than anyone will ever know. The cut that came with the supposed death of Zeth is healing a bit, now that I've forgiven him, and knowing that I'm truly not alone anymore. I have my big brother back." I inhaled a shaking breath and the tears fell faster this time. "Just know, Liam, if I could, I'd take it all back, the pain I caused you. I would have stayed and helped you out like I should have."
"You're very sensitive, Jace," Liam said after a moment of silence. I nodded and rested my head on my knees. "Every time you got angry, or upset, or laughed, it shook you to your core. You take an emotion and it just engulfs you. Though, now, I see a mixture of happiness and loneliness within you."
"Happiness because I'm very slowly returning to a semi-normal life. Loneliness because, even though I've got my brother by my side, I'm still missing that key component to being truly happy. I never knew what it was, until that night I went to the subway to start over in Jersey. I'm pretty sure you can guess what -- or who -- I'm talking about."
"I want to hear you say it, because I need to hear it for myself," Liam said, grabbing both my hands again.
I stared deep into those blue eyes of his for a long moment before saying anything. When I opened my mouth, I knew what I said next came from my very core. "It was you. When I walked away that night, I regretted it. I tried committing suicide a few weeks later, but couldn't because I still loved you so fucking much to do it. I still love you, so much it hurts. I would do anything to make you happy, now and forever."
Liam stared at me for a long moment, and I saw something return. Something I never thought I'd ever see again. He stood up and made me stand, and gave me that infamous lopsided grin -- and this time it touched his eyes. All the darkness left him, aside from the pain of the death of his father. I felt myself shiver in his stare, those eyes watching my entire being with a look that made me get butterflies. Just like the day we first kissed, everything seemed to be new and scary, but so good ... and I wanted more.
I looked at our hands and studied the muscles in Liam's hands. "I heard you that night you were in the club," he whispered, causing me to look up at him. "That song you sang. I could hear and feel your pain as if it were my own. I didn't say anything to anyone because I refused to forgive you after that night."
"I didn't ever expect you to forgive me, I still don't. That night, though," I said, looking Liam in the eye, "I didn't expect to remain in shadows for as long as I did. I was praying that you or Zeth would come after me. Time went by, no sight of either of you, and so I started getting in routine of being there. Every minute that passed, I was sinking more and more into depression. I wanted to come back, to apologize for everything I've done to hurt you, and to fall into your arms, knowing you still loved me."
"Then why'd you run?" I heard Zeth behind me. I didn't look at him, just sat down and brought my legs to my chest. "Then why'd you resist?"
"When I heard your car, everything that was ever good in my life that I lost flashed before me. I was afraid then that if I came back, Liam would be dead, you would get killed for real, and then I would truly be alone," I said, the tears falling.
"Then you should have stayed," Liam said, lifting a hand and wiping the tears. "I would have bounced back quicker knowing I had you." I stared at Liam for a long moment, unsure of what to say.
"I've always loved you, Liam. Truly. I suppose the main reason why I left is because I didn't want to think about the deaths of my own parents. That wound still hurts more than anyone will ever know. The cut that came with the supposed death of Zeth is healing a bit, now that I've forgiven him, and knowing that I'm truly not alone anymore. I have my big brother back." I inhaled a shaking breath and the tears fell faster this time. "Just know, Liam, if I could, I'd take it all back, the pain I caused you. I would have stayed and helped you out like I should have."
"You're very sensitive, Jace," Liam said after a moment of silence. I nodded and rested my head on my knees. "Every time you got angry, or upset, or laughed, it shook you to your core. You take an emotion and it just engulfs you. Though, now, I see a mixture of happiness and loneliness within you."
"Happiness because I'm very slowly returning to a semi-normal life. Loneliness because, even though I've got my brother by my side, I'm still missing that key component to being truly happy. I never knew what it was, until that night I went to the subway to start over in Jersey. I'm pretty sure you can guess what -- or who -- I'm talking about."
"I want to hear you say it, because I need to hear it for myself," Liam said, grabbing both my hands again.
I stared deep into those blue eyes of his for a long moment before saying anything. When I opened my mouth, I knew what I said next came from my very core. "It was you. When I walked away that night, I regretted it. I tried committing suicide a few weeks later, but couldn't because I still loved you so fucking much to do it. I still love you, so much it hurts. I would do anything to make you happy, now and forever."
Liam stared at me for a long moment, and I saw something return. Something I never thought I'd ever see again. He stood up and made me stand, and gave me that infamous lopsided grin -- and this time it touched his eyes. All the darkness left him, aside from the pain of the death of his father. I felt myself shiver in his stare, those eyes watching my entire being with a look that made me get butterflies. Just like the day we first kissed, everything seemed to be new and scary, but so good ... and I wanted more.