Endless Secrets

I wish I could say that I left Washington as soon as possible. I wish I was strong enough to pick up everything and leave without looking back. But, if given the chance, would I even do it? Leaving seemed impossible now. Being away from him for long periods of time truly hurt; I felt breathless and completely miserable.

A couple days after that conversation, I saw him again in the forest. Our conversation that day wasn’t as emotional; we simply got to know each other. After that, we met there nearly every day for two weeks. He even told me about his past. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I already knew, but it was nice to get to know the emotions behind it all; the emotions behind that stony mask he wore. Jasper was like me, in a way; we didn’t want others to see our emotions – we didn’t want to look weak. He hated it almost as much as I did. For Jasper, I think, it was a matter of pride. For me, I just felt helpless and truly weak when I lost control.

One day, rather unexpectedly, he told me his favorite color was orange. It was “warm and cheery”, he said, his face devoid of emotion. I’d laughed at him, which only resulted in him asking what mine was. I was at a loss – I didn’t really have a favorite color. Sure, there were days I preferred some over others, but the question seemed so…elementary. So, after little thought, I told him I liked the color red.

“Why?” He asked me, in a tone that made me seem it was important. If he were anyone else, I probably would have completely dismissed the question. I didn’t see the point of answering something that seemed so unimportant. However, this was Jasper.

I thought for a couple seconds before replying. “I just like the way it looks,” I told him, glancing at my nails that Emily had painted a deep red last evening. “It looks lively, I guess.”

He stared at me a moment before accepted my answer with a slow nod. Sometimes – no, most of the time I didn’t quite understand this man. A lot of the things he did seemed so foreign to me. I suppose I could blame it all on how I grew up; isolated and reserved. Though I was far from being shy, I had never really tried to socialize with others; I hadn’t seen the point in it. I knew I would leave that place and never see most of those people again. There hadn’t been a reason for me to make many friends to really hang around anyone my age. Not that Jasper was anywhere near my age; we had been born over a century apart.

We had never left the forest, every time we met. It was almost like our special place, our little corner of the world. After our first initial meeting, in a faraway woodland, each of our eleven meetings had been in this exact area. I guess it was sort of symbolic now. It was where Jasper and I found our paradise, with each other. It was where I had gotten to know him, where he had shared his deepest thoughts with me.

Knowing he trusted me so well already that he was willing to tell me everything only made me guilty. There was so much that I wasn’t willing to tell him; I had a mindful of seemingly endless secrets. I trusted him, sure, but…I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t risk losing Jasper once he knew the real me. Once he knew everything, I couldn’t guarantee he would stick around. I didn’t want to lose him, not after I have realized I’m truly falling in love.

Since the beginning, I knew my feelings were due to imprinting. It was a fake sort of love; manufactured and desperate. But as time passed with Jasper, as I got to know him, my feelings grew. I could tell they were separate from the imprint; when I focused on it, all I felt was near obsession for him, which was the last thing I wanted. If I pushed that to the back of my mind, I was able to forge my own relationship with him. I guess it had started out as a weird sort of friendship. It was really awkward at first; both of us could feel the effects of the imprint and our conversations were tense. But then, as we talked, I felt the pressure lessening and my own feelings grew for him. I wouldn’t be able to describe how I felt; I don’t think there are any words to properly express it. My heart beat faster when I saw him. When he looked at me and smiled, it made my day instantly better. Around him, I was able to forget my troubles and my duty. I was able to live my life as a woman falling in love with someone she was destined to be with. I rarely thought about what I was, or what he was – it didn’t matter.

Discovering all that freaked me out at first. I stopped seeing him for a couple days while I panicked, alone in my room. Marisol had to talk to me to get me out of my room. She’d begged to know what was wrong, and after I told her, she had laughed at me. She told me I was being completely stupid and that I should just forget whatever was holding me back. So I did as she said, realizing how childish I was being. Doing it was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. When I had returned to Jasper the next day, he didn’t ask what had held me back. I think he knew that I had to figure things out.

I heard Jasper sigh and move around. We had just been sitting for the past ten minutes or so, just thinking and enjoying the other’s presence. Glancing at him, I saw that he was sitting up straighter and turned towards me. I faced him, waiting for whatever he had to say. Whatever he had on his mind, he made him nervous. He glanced towards the ground and back at me several times, probably thinking over whatever it was. I let him think it out; we had plenty of time and I was perfectly content how I was.

“I want you to meet my family.”

The way he suddenly says it, as if it’s no big deal, nearly causes me to choke. I stare at him, letting him know the idea is crazy. Why the hell would I go meet his family? I’d seen enough of them; I’m sure they wanted nothing to do with me as well. I knew Alice hated me; who knew what she would do once I was in her reach?

“They probably think I’m a bitch. Absolutely not!” I exclaim, crossing my arms and glaring at him in protest.

Jasper laughs a little and smiles at me. “Why would they think that? You didn’t do anything.” He tells me, touching my knee in a way that was meant to be comforting. I just stare at it, not giving in.

“They really want to meet you.” He’s beside me now, holding my hand.

“Even Alice?” I ask sarcastically, smirking.

He blinks, probably not expecting me to say it. “Well…no.”

“Please, Silvia?” Jasper asks again after a moment of silence. I don’t respond; I stare at him, letting him know I still think it’s a terrible idea. Going to meet his family was the last thing I wanted to do. Leaning in close, Jasper begins to beg. As he starts nibbling on my ear, I try to shrug him off. He moves down and places gentle kisses along my jaw, a place he knows I find ticklish.

It doesn’t take long before I let out a girly giggle and push him away, staring at him incredulously. “Fine!” I tell him, “I’ll go.” I’m a little disappointed that I gave in so easily, but perhaps it won’t go horribly. Perhaps they really do want to meet me. I just hope Alice and I can be civil.