I Can't Help It

I know he is "No Good",
I know he can "Hurt Me",
I know he's a flirt.
But I don't care.
I love him and I can't help it.

I don't know why I thought I was special to him, I mean sure he told me that I was but really, he says that to everyone. I guess I thought I was different because I am a guy and all the other people he plays are girls. You would too right? It isn't just me.

We met in the summer, not long before school was starting and he had just moved in down the street. I had gotten into another of my famous arguments with my mother which ended with me storming out of the house with her screaming every curse word she knew at me. It didn't even bother me anymore so I just made my way down the street until I couldn't hear her. I ran into him on a path. Quite literally actually. He caught me before I fell though and gave me a warm smile that made my heart melt right there.

I showed him around town, as his only friend until school started. I dreaded that moment. The one where he realized I was just a gay loser and a punching bag to all things bigger and better then me and then he would go off with all the jocks and have girls hanging off his arm every waking hour. See if this was a fairy tale then non of that would happen. But it all did happen. Though he would never hit me or call me names but he did nothing to stop it.

Behind every ones back though we were best friends. He told me how I wasn't like all his other friends and how much he trusted me more then anyone. Then he started saying he liked my hugs more then anyone else's and that made me feel good. I knew he wasn't gay but my heart just kept wanting, and wanting. It's like it would only beat for him.

Until one day he came to me with bloodshot eyes and messy hair. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and he was completely distraught. I still thought he looked beautiful. At the time he was dating some girl he probably doesn't remember. I remember what he said, blankly and emotionless and it made me blush harder then I ever have. "I had a dream, we had sex. I woke up hard as fuck"

It was a big moment for me but I had to act like it was nothing and that I wasn't completely in love with him. Though I'm sure he probably knew when I giggled like a school girl and mumbled incoherent things in respond not meeting his eyes. He pulled me upstairs to my bedroom and closed the door. He paced frantically as he tried to figure out what to do. About an hour of being at complete loss he sat down and looked at me. I blushed under his gaze and looked down but he just gently pulled my face back up.

I remember him mumbling 'Fuck' under his breathe before he forced his lips on mine. I responded imminently, wrapping my arms around his neck. It was me who pulled back for air and I looked at him in confusion but kept our faces only centimeters apart. He mumbled some more curse words before he kissed me harder. I fell even more in love that day.

He continued to date sluts but come to me for love. We would kiss and cuddle between the light sheets of my bed watching Disney movies on the small TV. Sometimes I would put in a horror movie for an excuse to get even closer to him. His friends started to wonder where he was on the weekends because he stopped going to party's for hook ups, but I was all he needed.

I remember the first time we did "it". And I know he could never forget it despite what he may say. It was a Saturday night and we had just finished watching some horror movie about a box. I was scared as fuck and clinging to him like he was the last guy on earth. He laughed at me and said I was being a pussy, I just stuck out my tongue but he licked it. We ended up wrestling about on my bed and I let him pin me to the bed with my hands above my head and my legs wrapped around his middle.

He kissed me roughly but pulled back and stared at me "You have no idea how hot you look babe" He whispered making me blush. He started kissing down my neck and gently bit and sucked on my sensitive skin leaving small hickey's that I will always remember. I surprised myself when I moaned lightly and he chuckled at me. We had never done anything more then make out and grind in the past but he had darker intentions.

I should have said no to him when he pulled off my shirt and not taken off his as well, and when his hands went down to undo my jeans I should have stopped but I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I shouldn't have encouraged his actions but I couldn't stop myself. I knew I wasn't ready and I knew he would hurt me like all my friends said but I just loved him so much.

It hurt like a bitch when he went in. It didn't matter that he prepped me before or that he used lube. It fucking hurt. He liked it though, I could tell by his moans and half lidded eyes. Soon enough I aloud him to move, he started gentle so he wouldn't hurt me and once I started to moan and mew under him he took that as a key to speed up. It wasn't long before I was meeting his thrusts and screaming his name. I came first once he started slamming into my sweet spot and pumping my dick. Only seconds after I released so did he, deep inside me making me moan lightly as his hot come filled me.

He told me after we cleaned up and were cuddling between the sheets probably one of the sweetest things he ever said. "You know, I fuck a lot of girls... but with them it doesn't even matter and what we just did... nothing will ever compare to that. Ever, because baby I really think I'm in love with you and I don't think I will ever forget this" He kissed me without waiting for my responds but he knew what I would have said would come out a stuttering mess.

"I-I love you, until the moment I die" I whispered just as he fell asleep.

On Monday he had his arm around another slut in the lunch room, and at first it was only a small spike of jealousy but once she kissed the lips that I had just hours ago I couldn't take it. He loved me right? I stared at him from across the room until finally he looked back at me making perfect eye contact. He shrugged at me and smirked, leaning in to kiss her again. He knew I was watching and he didn't care. He fucking used me.

It hurt me more then words could explain, I have always had depression and he knew that very well so when he did that to me I felt my heart physically shatter in my chest. I loved him more then I loved anyone. I had never felt such a strong connection with anybody but him. I told him all my secrets and he told me his. At least that's what I thought.

I fell asleep crying for the next two nights and skipped school so I didn't have to see him. When I did go back to school everyone started to bully me even more because word got out that I had an obsessive crush on him. All the jocks and popular kids started to beat on me without mercy. I felt more betrayed then anything. Here it was, the guy I was madly in love with, using my secrets against me and completely breaking me.

I went back to cutting, something that he helped me stop and I cut his name at least 12 times in my arm before I started to loose focus. With one last sob I fell into unconsciousness. I remember thinking, that he was supposed to be over right now so I could help him with his social study's. And part of me hoped it was him to find my body. It wasn't. It was my mother.

I woke up in a hospital room and my arm was all bandaged up. I dreaded the moment someone would come in to see me. I would have to explain everything and I really couldn't do that right then. Out of the three days I was held in the hospital he didn't visit once. I thought maybe he didn't know but my mother and his were best friends and my mother couldn't keep her mouth shut to save my life.

Finally I returned to school and everyone stayed clear of me. They didn't know is was his name that caused me to almost die, but they knew I was suicidal and no one wants to get mixed up there. I saw him by his locker smiling like nothing was wrong and it broke my heart that he still had his arm around the same bitch that caused this. I wondered if he told her he loved her. Probably.

I had to walk past him to get to my class and he was laughing at something someone said until he saw me and he stopped. I looked up at him and he held a look of distaste for my presents, I scurried down the hall but stopped when he said my name. Hope. I had it deep in my heart, he was going to apologize and tell me he loved me right? Wrong.

"Your such a failure you couldn't even kill yourself right! Its down the stream not across the river!" He laughed along with his other friends.

I ran away crying and eventually found myself on the path where we met. I stayed there all day and cried. I smoked so many cigarettes I probably got lung cancer in one day. I knew he walked this path to get home and I think that's why I stayed. Wanting to see him one last time and tell him he ruined my life. But I didn't even get that because he never came. He went somewhere's else.

His words still rang clear in my head as I scribbled down my last words on a piece of paper in the notebook he bought me. "Down the stream, not across the river.... right?" I clutched the paper in my hand as I did what he told me too.

When I did it hurt in a different way then it had before, it burned a lot more instead of stinging. I could only concentrate on the pain and nothing else, not him, not death, not life, just pain. I knew I wouldn't make it when I saw how much blood was covering the bathroom floor, it was twice the amount that there was last time. Darkness started to take me and the last thing I heard was him say my name, and the last thing I saw....

Was him.

And the worst part is, I loved him until the moment I died.