Black Damask

As usual, the guys fell asleep in the front room after spending several hours watching movies. “You wanna join me in bed?” I whispered to Devin when the Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow ended.

“Sure,” he replied. I grabbed his hand, leading him towards the stairs, trying to be quiet.

“You guys better not be planning on doing stuff” Ricky said half asleep. How the hell did he do that? He was just snoring thirty seconds ago.

“Shut up Horror” Dev said, throwing a pillow at him. I shook my head, trying not to laugh as I pulled Devin after me. I guess this is what I get for hanging out with all guys. We should really work on getting Ryan and this Allie chick he’s so obsessed with together.

I changed into my bedclothes in the bathroom. Even though it was hours later, I still couldn’t get rid of the bad feeling I had left over from lying to the guys about coming straight home earlier. I could hear Devin undressing in my room, so I took the little time I had to pull my razorblade out. I had to get rid of this feeling. It wasn’t until too late that I’d broken my own rule and gone closer to my wrist than ever. There was nothing I could do about it now though. I let the blood seep out before pulling my sleeves down as far as they would go. As long as we didn’t move around too much, I’d be safe.

It was quiet downstairs, so we whispered sweet nothings to one another. I couldn’t believe how happy I was right now. Unfortunately, that happiness didn’t last. As Dev raised my arms to lace his fingers with mine, the blanket pulled on my shirt sleeve. “Why Anna?” he whispered, flipping my arm over. There they were, red, screaming for attention they didn’t deserve. Those fresh cuts I’d made not an hour before. I pulled my arm back, out of grasp, sitting up. I couldn’t look at him. “Anna, please. Let me see,” Devin whispered softly. I reluctantly held my arms out to him. I couldn’t look when he gently pushed my sleeves up.

“I had to,” I said. “I had to do it.” I fought the tears forming in my eyes. I felt Devin take hold of my hands, squeezing gently. I jumped when he suddenly let go, spinning around to grab his shirt off the ground. He was leaving? It made sense, considering the circumstances. No, he handed me his t-shirt before turning his back to me.

“Put it on,” he said. “I want to see all of them.” I did as he said, wincing in pain as my own long-sleeved shirt tugged at the scabs. I pulled on his shoulder gently, signaling him to turn back around. I held my arms down, afraid to let him see all of them. All the healing cuts, all the scars. Devin was gentle as he turned my arms over. I bit my lip, afraid of what he’d say when he pushed the sleeves up to reveal the first scars. “Why Anna?” he repeated, sadness in his voice. “You’re always so happy. You’re so confidant, no matter what the situation. You’re not afraid of anything. Why would you do this to yourself?”

I took a deep breath before starting. “It started almost two years ago. I was so tired of being alone in the world, tired of this huge empty feeling I had inside of me that wouldn’t go away. It was like I couldn’t feel anything. But when I cut myself, I could. The pain was something I could actually feel. It started out small at first, only when I felt really depressed. But than I started needing it more. Any time something went wrong, I had to cut. Then, when I came here, that empty feeling started to disappear at times. I felt happy hanging out with you and everyone else. I finally fit in somewhere. I actually felt happy for once. But then when I started thinking of you, I felt like I had to cut out those thoughts and feelings. I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me. Then we got together, and I had to cut myself to make sure this was real, that it wasn’t all a dream. I had to feel the pain to know it was real. I was scared, Devin. I had to do it.” By then the tears were pouring down my face.

Devin didn’t say anything. He laid on his back, pulling me down next to him. I could see that I’d hurt him. The one thing I hadn’t wanted to ever do. We laid there quietly for a while, neither of us moving. The only comfort I had was that he was still here, and hadn’t let go of my hand.

Devin didn’t say a word as he got up and pulled on his pants and jacket. I watched him walk out the door. “I need to think,” he said, before pulling the door closed after him. I heard the front door close, followed by movement downstairs. They’d know something was going on, and they’d be up here soon to investigate.

I couldn’t face them. I couldn’t face Devin again. I couldn’t go back to school with them. I couldn’t do any of it. I closed my bathroom door behind me before pulling my razorblade back out. One, two, three, four. Again, again, again. I lost count, unable to stop myself, switching arms. Deeper, deeper still, deeper than ever. I heard someone climbing the stairs. I heard them knocking on my bedroom door. Angelo was calling my name. I couldn’t answer him. I couldn’t speak. I pressed the blade against my wrist one more time, pressing it deeper than before. Angelo was at the bathroom door. I hadn’t locked it. The blood was streaming down my arms. I felt dizzy as I turned, hoping to flip the lock before Angelo could turn the knob. My legs collapsed beneath me. I fell to the ground, blood soaking Devin’s shirt, pooling on the bathroom floor. I heard the door open, saw Angelo come in. I saw him fall to his knees beside me, leaning over me, horrified at what he saw. I heard him calling my name, telling me not to leave them, yelling for the others, yelling for an ambulance. I heard him screaming my name over and over as it all went black.

My eyes shot open. It was just a dream. A motherfucking horrible nightmare of nightmares. Devin was there in the bed beside me, fast asleep. I slipped my hand out of his and made my way to the bathroom. I was shaking. The dream had felt so real. I made a few quick slits on my arm, opposite of those I’d added before bed. As I watched the reflection of the drops of blood roll down my wrist, I saw Devin’s shirt. I was wearing it. It wasn’t all a dream after all.

I was surprised to see Devin sitting on the edge of my bed waiting for me. I’d thought I was quiet enough not to wake him. “Did you do it again?” he asked quietly. All I could do was nod. “Come here,” he said, holding his arms out. I fought the urge to run into his arms, thankful he was still here. He wrapped his arms around me gently, kissing the side of my head. “It’s going to be ok,” he whispered. Was that even possible? I’d never been ok before, so how was there any chance of that for the future? “We’ll get through this. I didn’t want to believe Ricky,” Dev continued. I pulled back to look at him.

“What about Ricky?” I asked. How could he have known?

“He had his suspicions. He told me to watch you. That’s when I started noticing the little things he’d pointed out to me. You only took off your jacket when you were wearing long sleeves. You tried so hard to hide the pain that flashes across your face when someone touched your arms. I didn’t want to believe him, but after tonight, I had to.” I knew that guy was too observant for his own good.

“What now?” I asked.

Devin sighed before answering. “Now, we have to tell the others.” I let him lead me downstairs, where I curled up on the couch with Devin, carefully folding my arms so that none of the cuts showed. Dev swatted Balz repeatedly with a pillow until he woke up, before wrapping his arms around me. “Wake the others up,” Dev said. “We need to talk about something.”

Contrary to what Devin thought, I was afraid of things. I was terrified of insects, needles, and opening the dryer door when the dryer was still running. I could just imagine the dryer exploding when I opened the door before the cycle was finished. And I was scared now.

One by one, the guys woke up, grumbling about the early hour. I couldn’t look at any of them. “You said this was about something important,” Balz said, breaking the relative silence. “Ghost isn’t wearing a shirt at all, and Anna is wearing his. Devin did you get Anna pregnant!?” he shouted.

I shook my head. “No, but this does have to do with Anna,” Devin said quietly.