Black Damask

I couldn’t take it anymore. “Why did you have to do that?” I asked Devin.

“Because I wanted you to know that the guys and me will always be there for you, we will be there to support you and let you vent to us” he said, sitting up.

“Now the guys are just going to give me sympathy.” I could already see it. They’d be watching my every move, acting differently so nothing would upset me. I was just their poor, fucked up friend who they needed to babysit.

“No they won’t, don’t be silly, they will still treat you the same” Dev tried to reassure me.

“Will you stop that? And no, I know what will happen,” I said, shoving off his last attempt at pulling me back to the couch with him. My mind was running wild, which gave me extra energy. I started pacing back and forth before I exploded.

“Anna, stop” Dev pleaded, trying to stop my pacing.

“No you stop, you don’t know what I have gone through,” I yelled at him, losing my temper. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I said that, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“Anna…. Calm down, just take a few deep breaths and everything will just-”

“No, everything will not be fine,” I said, pushing him to the front door. I had to get him away from me before I did or said something that would really hurt him. More than I already had.

“Anna, stop. Just let me stay,” Devin begged me, failing to stand his ground. I guess he hadn’t realized how strong I really was.

“No, just leave Devin.” That was all it took for him to snap.

“Fine Anna, I’ll leave. Just text or ring me when your fine,” he said before walking straight out the door to his car. I slammed the door shut after him, leaning my back against it. What had I done?

I heard Devin’s car start up and drive off after a few minutes. Had he been waiting out there, hoping I’d come running after him, begging for his forgiveness? I doubted that. I made my way upstairs to shower, but not before adding to my lovely little collection. I hadn’t slept much last night, so I climbed into bed after my shower, only to be woken up hours later by someone ringing the doorbell nonstop. As I walked down the stairs, I scrolled through my phone. Thirty missed calls. Angelo, Ricky, Chris, Ryan, Balz. It hurt seeing that Devin hadn’t called once, even though he did leave on a bad note. I opened the door to see Angelo standing there. “Yes, come right in,” I said sarcastically as he pushed his way in, his face a mixture of annoyance, anger, and sadness.

“What the fuck happened!?” he shouted at me.

“With what? After you left?” I asked, curling up on the couch. “Dev and I had an argument, and he left.”

Angelo stared at me, as if attempting to read my thoughts. “We’re all aware of that. You said you wanted the day to be alone with him, then a few hours later he shows up at Chris’s place in the shittiest mood I’ve ever seen. And since you’re pulling at your sleeves, I’m guessing you haven’t stopped your habit,” he said in disgust. “I hope you can see what you’ve done. Devin was so in love with you, and within a short amount of time, you’ve managed to not only break his heart, but shatter it beyond recognition.”

I watched Angelo let himself out, slamming the front door after him, not giving me a chance to defend myself. I’d never seen him so angry. I’d never actually seen him angry at all, but it was kind of scary. I ignored the repeated phone calls from the others fro the rest of the night. Still nothing from Devin.

I couldn’t stay here, but I had a few things I needed to do before I left. I packed my few belongings, piling everything by the garage door, then texted my mom. “I’m leaving tomorrow after school.”

It didn’t take long for her to reply. “Stop by the office before you go and I’ll give you some money. Maybe you can go stay with your father.” What a great mother she was. Her only daughter tells her she’s leaving home at 16, doesn’t say where she’s going, and all I get is an offer of money. And that I should go to my father. That really showed what a great mother she was. Then again, she hadn’t believed me when it happened, so why would she believe me now?

For ten years, he mentally abused me. The only time it stopped was when mom was home, at which time he ignored me completely. I tried to tell mom so many times what happened, but she never wanted to believe me. She finally divorced him when she came home to find me beaten and locked in the closet while he was fucking the next door neighbor’s 15 year old daughter. How could see even consider suggesting that?

The next few years were hard. Mom toted me from therapist to therapist, trying to find one willing to medicate me. She eventually gave up, only taking me when the school required me to see someone for my behavior. Of course, those visits only lasted long enough for the school to be happy until they gave up and kicked me out. I’d promised myself I’d never let myself be in that position again, under some one else’s control. I refused to take shit from anyone. Unfortunately, there was only so much I could do when it came to the guys mom would let stay at our house. She’d bring them home, then leave them there alone with me while she went to work and wouldn’t come home for days at a time. And being males, they had needs they needed met.

I’d thought I could trust Devin. I thought he’d be the one I could rely on, the one who wouldn’t go around telling every one about my personal life. I suppose this was done with good intentions, but it still hurt. Pain flashed across my arm, calling me, asking for more. I gave in, needing to get rid of the thoughts of the past. That done, I sat down at the table, planning the letter in my head.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t stay here. I really did feel welcome here with all of you, more at home than I’ve ever been. But after what you know now, I can’t stay. I don’t want your pity. Besides, you have your band to focus on. You don’t want me around that, I’ll just drag you down, always having to think about me, wondering if I’m as ok as I appear. One day, you’re going to be great. You’ll get a record deal, go on tour, have a huge fan base. Everything you’ve dreamed of. But I don’t fit in that dream. I’m sorry for all the pain and sadness I’ve caused all of you. I can’t tell you where I’m going, because I don’t even know myself. Maybe we’ll see each other again, maybe not. Just forget about me. It’ll make everything easier for you in the end. And Devin, I did and still love you. I’m sorry for everything. You’ll find someone better than me to spend the rest of your life with.—Anna”

I folded up the paper and put it on top of the pile of my things. I had one more thing to do. My last day of school in Scranton, Pennsylvania. I walked into my first class late, instantly receiving detention from Mr. Krencher. Too bad I wouldn’t have been able to show up for it after school today, considering I’d already gotten detention from Principal Woold for wearing my hood inside the building. Not that I was going to that detention either. I didn’t feel the need to follow the rules anymore, since I wasn’t coming back. And yet I was still here in class. Angelo and Devin refused to look at me, though Devin looked extremely depressed and Angelo just looked flat out pissed off. I ignored the other guys, pretending to sleep through class. I took different routes to my classes than usual, just to avoid their attempts to talk to me. At lunch I sat alone. I took a chance and walked near enough too see them. Another chick was sitting with them. Allie, I assumed. Less than a day and I’d already been replaced.

Once again, I walked into my last class of the day late. I could see that Chris was confused when I didn’t say anything to them again. As Mrs. Santos began her lesson, I put my earbuds in and leaned my head back against the wall while Asking Alexandria played. I lost myself in my thoughts, only coming back to reality when I realized that Mrs. Santos was standing next to my desk glaring at me. “Listening to something good?” she asked.

“If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t be listening to it,” I said, pulling one side out.

“Are you saying that whatever that is, is more important than American History?”

I nodded. “Yup. Unless you have something new, it’s the same lesson every other year,” I said. Seriously, why did this country feel the need to teach US history to us every other year? It’s not like the story of the Revolutionary War was going to change. Before she could say anything else, the bell rang, ending class. As I walked out of the room, I could see the shocked faces on the guys faces. They probably thought I had some sort of death wish by now. I could only imagine the looks on their faces if they saw me flip off Mr. Woold when he tried to stop me from leaving before serving my detention.

I drove straight home and packed my things in my car. I knew the guys had band practice right after school today, and I hoped they wouldn’t cancel because of me. Before I left, I grabbed a clear sandwich bag from the cupboard and put the letter inside, so it wouldn’t get wet in case the clouds decided to let it rain. I took one last walk through the house, making sure I had all I needed and/or wanted. I paused in my bedroom, staring at the bed, thinking of those nights I’d spent in Devin’s arms. I forced myself to go back downstairs, where I looked over the front room. I could still imagine the guys sprawled out, watching movies here for hours. A scene that was never going to repeat itself. I left my key to the front door on the kitchen table, since I didn’t plan on ever coming back.

I drove to the park first, relieved when I saw that it was empty. I left the bad with the letter on the bench Dev and I always sat on. I put my phone inside the bag too, to weigh it down. I’d get a new phone later, with a new number. I had to make them forget me.

I then made my way to mom’s office building. When I asked the secretary how to get to her office, I was told that she was in a meeting. “But she did ask me to give you this,” the secretary said, handing me a weighty envelope. She couldn’t even give it to me herself. Such love. I thanked the secretary, then asked her to give my garage door opener to mom. Damn, that lady’s smile was annoying. She looked like she should be on Sesame Street or something.

I waited until I was in the car to open the envelope. At least there was a note. “Hope this helps,” it said. “Have a nice life.” Really? I rolled my eyes, before counting out $5000. I could stretch this. It started raining as I pulled out of the parking lot. I fought the urge to drive past Devin and Chris’s place, and headed for the freeway instead. I still didn’t know where I was going.