Black Damask

“Anna, I have something to tell you,” Devin said. I’d never seen anyone look as nervous as he did right now. I grabbed his hand pulling him closer, hoping to calm his nerves. “Anna, I—”

“We’re going to get wings!” Balz shouted, running from room to room. Dev and I both sighed in annoyance at the interruption.

“We can talk later, in private,” I said. “Meet at the park around 10?” Dev nodded, not meeting my eyes. Something was definitely bothering him. And knowing that was now going to bother me. I watched Dev join the others in the living room before running upstairs to get my shoes.

I closed my bedroom door behind me softly. No one would notice if I was gone a few extra minutes. I pushed one sleeve up, exposing my arm. The thin red lines leapt out at me, calling for more. I wanted to resist. I didn’t want to give in, but I had to stop my thoughts somehow. What was Devin going to say? One line. Was he upset about the picture Chris had taken? Another line. Did the plan fail? Did Chris’s “help” do more harm than good? Two lines. Another to stop that train of thoughts entirely. Another to help me put on a happy face for everyone. Six lines, six friends waiting for me downstairs. Someone knocked on the door as I added one last line, assign me to the group. “Anna, are you ok?” Ricky called.

I shook my arm once, making note of the drops of blood that flew off against the wall. “I’m fine, I’ll be down in a minute,” I replied. My body protested as I pulled the sleeve of my shirt down over the new additions. It was a great day to wear a shirt with tight sleeves. I joined the band downstairs, ignoring the pain as best I could.

It was like sitting with a group of little kids in a candy store at the restaurant. These guys were way too excited about their wings. We wandered around a little while before splitting. Ryan had a date with some girl named Allie. Apparently he’d been crushing on her for a while, and we didn’t let him get away without at least a little teasing. The others drifted off until it was just Dev and I.

We sat on our usual bench in the park. It was earlier than we’d planned on being here, but neither of us complained. “Anna, can we talk?” Devin asked, breaking the silence.

“Of course we can,” I said, sitting up so I could face him. “This morning you said you wanted to tell me something before we were interrupted.”

Devin nodded, his eyes on the ground. I could see him thinking. “Anna, I know this is probably going to sound stupid, and you’re not going to want to see or talk to me ever again, but, since we met, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. And the more I got to know you and spend time with you, the more time I wanted with you. I couldn’t wait for the next time I’d see your smile when I said something stupid, hear you laugh, see your eyes glowing with happiness. But I know you’d never be interested in someone like me. I’m sorry Anna, but I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I had to tell you. Every night has been torture for me, loving you but knowing I can never be with you.”

Was this really happening? My mind was running like crazy. I didn’t know what to say. “Ditto” didn’t seem like the right response in a situation like this. “Devin, wait,” I said, grabbing his hand when he stood to leave. “Why would you think I wouldn’t be interested in you?”

“Anna, you’re gorgeous, you’re funny, you’re smart, not afraid of anything. You could have any guy you want. There’s no way you’d settle for me.”

I looked away, not wanting him to see the tears in my eyes. It was not or never. Tell him or lose him. “What’s scary is that we seem to think along the same lines,” I said. “There are girls at our school who are willing to start fights with me just because I’m friends with you. I’ve seen the way half the student body looks at you. I’m nothing like them. I’m the weirdest, most fucked-up person you’re most likely ever going to meet. But I still wanted to talk to you and hang out with you as often as I could because I didn’t think you’d even consider me as more than a friend.”

“Well then,” Devin said, lifting a finger under my chin so my eyes would meet his. “It looks like we’ve solved each other’s problems here.” I couldn’t stop myself from mirroring his smile as I was pulled closer to him, our eyes closing. His kiss was gentle and undemanding, full of the care and love he’d poured out to me not long before.