Give Your Heart a Break

It was nearing midnight and we had a long day of catching up, but this was the time that I cherished most, being able to have time to myself in the family home. As I exited the bathroom and was making my way across the hall to my bedroom, I couldn't help but hear Rosalie and my mom talking, so I kept quiet and leaned against the railing next to the stairs to listen.

"Mom, you really shouldn't be pressuring Audrey like that. I mean, the divorce went through just last month and I don't know if you picked up on the vibe in the room, but she's still hurting from it. She may be good at keeping things private but you can just see the pain in her face. Mom, she needs time to get better, her heart was broken by the man she vowed to love forever. She was gonna have a baby and start over with this guy, and seeing that all be thrown away, I don't even think I could handle that."

Our mom sighed. "I know, I'll stop nagging her. And I know she's hurting, but I just want her to get better and I just thought that maybe if she got back in the dating game she'd start to heal."

"And if that will help, then she will be the one to make that decision." Rosalie replied. I softly smiled, though Rosalie and I weren't that close I appreciated that she stood up for me, but I had heard enough. I didn't want to hear anymore details on the truth of the matter.

I sighed and began walking to my bedroom, going in and closing the door softly and crawling into bed.

Not long after I came in, there was a soft knocking at my door. I closed my eyes, please don't be mom, please don't be mom.

The door opened and Rosalie came in, "Hi, I saw your light on."

I sat up. "Yeah, I couldn't sleep. I'm still on British time. Come in."

She closed the door and came and sat next to me on the bed. "Are you alright?"

I half-smiled, "I never knew how to answer that question. I was just eavesdropping on your conversation with mom."

She smiled back, "I had a feeling someone was listening. I just didn't like the way she was talking to you."

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks. She's always been that way and always will." I smirked, looking down and smoothing out the creases in the blanket.

"Audrey, I assume you heard me tell mom that your hurt is evident...do you wanna talk?" She asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, still looking down. "What is there to talk about? I got pregnant, got married, lost my baby, lost my husband. End of story."

She put her hand on mine. "Have you talked to anyone since you left?"

I shook my head.

"I'm not gonna force you to talk about it, but it does help."

I sighed and sat back, leaning my head against the headboard and staring across the room, remaining silent. There was so much I could say, so much I wanted to say, and so much I was scared to say.

"Is it possible to die of a broken heart?" I quietly asked. She lifted her eyes and just watched me.

I sighed. "I miss him so much."

"And that's okay Audrey, it's perfectly normal to miss him-"

"I miss him, and I hate him, and I love him, and wanna scream at him and hit him enough times just so he can feel even the smallest fraction of the hurt I feel everyday...he killed the what was left of me...I thought he was going to be the last and only man that I'd ever need and so I gave him everything. I devoted myself to him...he broke me and I don't know if I can ever work up the strength to keep going." I buried my face in my hands.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, lowering her head.

"I'm so depressed Rosalie." I began crying. "And I feel like dying everyday."

She wrapped her arms around me and I sobbed into her shoulder, completely falling apart. And this was what I hid for so long. I cried like this most nights while I was away in England. I didn't want to let people know my true feelings and I faked all those smiled just so I wouldn't cry. I completely cut almost everyone out of my personal life; telling them even the most private of things, and I want to tell them, but I'm afraid of their reactions. I'm afraid that they'll never see as the same person anymore. I'm afraid of the pity in their eyes when they realize how messed up I really am.

"I'm sorry. This is so stupid." I gently pulled away and wiped away the tears, feeling ashamed.

"Audrey, it isn't stupid. These are your feelings. You don't need to stay strong all the time, it's okay to break down every now and then." She softly spoke, holding my hand. "I know it's easier said than done, but stay strong. Things will eventually get better, but it takes time."

I sighed. "I finished filming last month. May 20th to be exact. I was in Bath the whole time and I lied to Nik and told him that filming finished a couple days ago."

"You were in Bath? This whole time?"

I nodded, "I didn't want to come home because the divorce had just gone through and I couldn't bare facing mom. Or anyone else that I'm close with. I didn't want to be pitied. So after the filming ended, I packed my bags and went straight to Bath and stayed there up until yesterday."

"Well maybe that was better to stay away longer, I know mom's filter of appropriate and inappropriate things to says a little out of whack. Did you feel that staying longer helped?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "I'm not really sure. I drank tea in the morning and wine at night, and during the day I wrote on the typewriter that Caleb gave me. Or I played the piano or listened to sad classical music and prayed that everything was just a bad dream and that I'd wake up and still be pregnant and happily married."

She placed her hand on my knee. "What did you write?"

Again I leaned back and rested my head against the headboard. "I wrote down my feelings. Long and more descriptive versions of what I told you tonight. I'd write for pages and pages and then I'd tear them out of the typewriter and burn them in the fireplace."

She nodded and let out a gentle sigh. "Well Audrey, I'm here for you always. Whenever you wanna talk, I'll be here."

I hugged her again. "Thanks Rose, I really needed this."

"You're welcome. I want our relationship to get stronger. I know we haven't always been close, even as kids, but it's better late than never."

I half-smiled. "I know."

"But it's getting late, we can talk tomorrow if you want. But goodnight Audrey, have a good sleep." She kissed my forehead and stood up, beginning to leave the room.

"Goodnight." I smiled as she left the room. I turned off the bedside lamp and got comfortable, closing my eyes and hoping to drift off to sleep soon.