Give Your Heart a Break

That night after Chris had gone to bed, I found that I couldn't sleep, so I decided that I'd go through the boxes in the other room. After pushing them all into the other room, underneath my bedroom on the loft and the fire going, I began going through them as I sipped a glass of red wine.

I pulled out some of my clothes and tossed them on the couch and continued rummaging through the box. I sighed as I found the photo album from the wedding, a sort of scrapbook that I put together. Flipping through the pages, I hadn't realized right away that I had finished my wine, so before I started to burn anything, I got up and went to the kitchen to get the bottle.

Just as I turned around, I gasped and stumbled backward from being startled by Chris. He caught me so I wouldn't crash into the counter and started to laugh, "Sorry, I thought you heard me." He grinned.

After finally catching my breath, I laughed and playfully hit his chest. "No, I didn't. You scared the life outta me!"

"What are you doing up so late? or, early I should say." He asked, looking at the clock that read 2:13am.

"I was about to ask you that same thing. I was just uh, going through some boxes." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Oh, well I was just getting up to get a drink of water, but that wine is looking very appealing." He smiled. I smiled back and set down the bottle as I reached up to take a glass from the cabinet.

"What's in the boxes?" He asked, walking toward them and peeking at them, seeing what I was doing. "Hey, are these from the wedding?" He stepped over the boxes and sat down on the floor next to the fire, picking up the album and going through it.

Soon I joined him and passed him the glass, sitting next to him and sighing as I looked at the pictures with him. "Yeah, those were the days."

He gnawed at his lip and looked up at me with that innocent and boyish look of his. I smiled at him and looked down, sipping at my wine. He leaned over and placed his hand under my chin, turning me to face him. He softly kissed my lips and smiled at me.

"What were you going to do with this?" He asked, turning his attention back to the album. I looked down at it, "I was gonna take one last look at it and then burn it. That part of my life is over, so there's no need to keep anything that was from it."

He nodded and handed the album to me. I inhaled and took one last look at the picture of Caleb and I during the ceremony; smiling sweetly at each other and holding hands as we exchanged vows. Exhaling, I slowly and carefully set the book into the fire, letting the flames slowly eat away at the edges and ultimately consume it.

Picking through the boxes I found a few more pictures and the marriage license, which I also ended up throwing into the fire. I shut up the boxes again and leaned back against the couch, staring at the fire. Soon I turned to Chris and softly smiled, "Thank you for being here. For coming to New York."

He smiled back and reached for my hand, holding it gently and rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. "So...what did you wanna do now?"

I smirked at him seeing that look in his eyes and that little smile. I shook my head. "No, not that...I don't want to ruin a good thing."

"Ruin?" His brow quirked up.

I slowly nodded. "Our friendship is all I have that's true and...pure. I can't jepoardize it." I looked down.

He smiled again and nodded, kissing my hand. "I understand."

After a pause, I smiled and looked back up at him. "Let's listen to some music, and drink and smoke cigarettes."

He grinned and started to laugh. "Sounds good to me." He stood up and held out his hand to help me up. I went into the living room and knelt on the couch to reach the stereo, turning on my iPod that would forever and always remain on it's dock and put on The xx album, Coexist.

Chris soon came back into the room with a new bottle of rosé. I reached over the coffee table and took a pack of Marlboro Menthol Lights and lit one up, leaning back into the couch as he poured the wine, taking in the sounds of the album and the taste of the menthol. He took out a cigarette and leaned in close to me, lighting his smoke from mine.

That night we just talked and laughed and drank and smoked. This night I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, the salty tears streamed down my face and leaving a trail in the makeup from the day before. And he was so relaxed, so content with this simple pleasure that I so often took for granted.

I sighed and gave a soft smile, gazing at the dancing flames of the candles that I lit earlier. He was lying on the couch and his head rested in my lap, he looked up at me. I looked down at him, "I think I wanna leave again."

"And go where?" He asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, smiling at the thought. "I don't know...maybe Japan, I haven't been to Tokyo in a while...or spend a year in Paris, rent an apartment and live in solitude...or go back to England...or to Seattle."

"Seattle? What's in Seattle?" He lightly laughed, his tired eyes gazing up at mine.

"My grandmother...I haven't seen her in...wow, five years." I recalled my last memory of her; Brian and I were still together then. I flew her out to L.A to come and visit us. Brian was an arrogant jerk as ever, so maybe that was why I haven't seen her in so long. I missed her terribly.

"What is she like?" He asked.

I smiled at the thought of it. "She has a heart full of love. She's such a sweet and gentle, nurturing woman. She helped raise me, when my dad was struggling." I laughed, "Actually, everyone helped raise me. You know that quote, 'it takes a whole village to raise a child', it really does. Everyone helped out my dad when I was a kid. My mom, my grandma, my uncle Gianni, my godfather and my dad's bandmate, Dave Grohl...wow, that was such a long time ago."

He smiled at me. "You were probably an awesome kid...and your grandma sounds amazing. You take after her."

I smiled back and sighed. "It's almost five, let's get some sleep." I reached behind my head and lowered the music on the stereo. He sat up and took my cigarette, putting it out in the ashtray and waiting for me. "Let's sleep here." I spoke, patting the couch.

He softly smiled and yawned, laying back on the couch and pulling me to lay next to him, nestling myself in the curve of his body and wrapping my arm around him, resting my head on his shoulder. He held me close and kissed the top of my head, wishing me "goodnight."

And I soon drifted off to sleep.