White Noises

Baylen was sitting on the balcony outside our bedroom when I found him.

"Hey," I said.

Bay looked up. "What?"

"Why're you out here? It's cold."

"I don't know. Impulse."

I sat down next to him. "Did I hurt your feelings earlier?"

Bay nodded.

"I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "I'm used to people hurting my feelings. It's whatever."

"It's not 'whatever'. You mean a lot to me, Baylen. You're the only person I've ever cared about. I didn't care about my parents. I've never had friends before. I used to just read and cry a lot. Then Dr. Yates decided to lock me up, and I found you."

"Why'd he lock you up?"

I laughed. "I'm schizophrenic."

Baylen stepped away from me. "Are you serious?"

"Why would I lie about that?"

"This explains a lot. The nightmares, the random freak outs, the sobbing."

"How?"

"My ex-boyfriend was schizo. He, uh, killed himself."

I stared at Baylen. "Oh."

He nodded. "Yeah."

"So now you have to tell me why you're locked up."

"Depression, anorexia with bulimic tendencies, self harm, and attempted suicide."

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

Baylen smiled sadly. "Do you want to know why?"

I nodded.

"Because I hate myself. I hate my ugly face, my fat stomach, arms, legs, I hate my height, my personality, my stupid hair. Everything. I hate me so fucking much. And I needed a way to release that hate, so I started slitting my wrists. And I got depressed because starving myself wasn't getting rid of the weight. Then my boyfriend came along. He told me nice things, said I was too skinny, made me less hateful. But then that stupid fucker killed himself. I lost the only person I'd ever loved. I stopped eating entirely, or threw it up. I cut myself EVERYWHERE, not just my arms. I wouldn't respond to anything. I didn't do anything except find new ways to hurt myself. Eventually, I got sick of it. And attempted suicide. So now I'm here."

"Oh, Bay. I'm so sorry baby."

"That's why he wears sweatshirts all the time and you can't see him without clothes on," Cyan said.

Yeah.

I pulled Bay into a hug. "I wish you weren't broken, but you are. I love you, though. I love every imperfection. I love your hair, your face. I love your personality. And I love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone before. I know you probably aren't over your boyfriend, but I still love you. I love you so much it hurts."

I looked away and released him.

"I love you, too."