White Noises

I woke up with Baylen's arm around my waist. I smiled. He was beautiful.

I pulled his arm gently off me and went out to the balcony. I let the wind ruffle my hair. It was breezy, but not obnoxiously so.

I looked down at my arms. You could see where I had tried to kill myself. It had only been a few months since the attempt. No one knew about it but me.

It was a bad day. I was late to school, and I barely got enough sleep the night before. I was made fun of by everyone. No one tried to stop the football players from shoving me into the lockers, and calling me awful names. It was a bad day hallucination-wise, too. Voices whispered how pathetic and useless I was. I tried not to cry in school, but it was hard. After school, I went home, and my mom started screaming at me (I forget why). I went to my room, shut the door, and tried to find something to kill myself with.

In the end I took apart a pair of scissors and slashed my wrists. I laid on the floor, waiting to die.

I didn't cut deep enough, I guess. I didn't die. When I woke up the next morning, I cleaned the bloodstains off my floor and wore a sweater to school. I felt disgusting. I couldn't even kill myself. All the stupid voices were right. I was worthless.

I didn't notice I had been crying till I felt Bay wrap his arm around me. "Hey," I whispered, wiping my eyes.

"Hi."

Bay kissed the tears off my cheeks. "You're too beautiful to cry."

I shrugged. "I guess."

Baylen put his head in my lap. "Wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head. I didn't like talking about my problems to Dr. Yates, why would I tell them to Baylen?

"Because you love him, asshole."

That's right, Cyan.

"He cares about you a lot. He's suicidal himself, why don't you talk about it? He'll understand."

Because I don't fucking want to?

"Relationships are built on trust."

"Oh, fuck off," I said aloud.

"Ok, fine!" Baylen snapped. "I was just trying to be nice!"

"No, honey, wait. I'm sorry, I wasn't talking to you."

Baylen paused at the doorway. "Oh really?"

I got up and walked to Baylen. "Yes. I forgot you were around for a second. I didn't mean to say it out loud."

"Voice? Or full?"

"Full."

"I'm sorry I doubted you, baby."

"It's fine," I said quietly.