Hope Came With Wings

I woke up in Seth's arms. He was laying against the wall, his eyes closed and his arms wrapped tightly around me. I lay there watching him, wondering what he must have thought about me. I knew he was wondering why I had nightmares, why I woke up screaming and crying. I really should talk to him. Atleast he stayed with me.

I carefully slid out from under his grip, which was harder than I thought. Eventually I made it out without waking him.

I walked down the hallway to our living room. There was broken glass everywhere. Shards of busted glasses and other things lay against the wall in more than one place. I looked like someone had chucked them at the wall.

My mother was sitting on the edge of the couch, her face in her hands. I stepped closer to her and noticed her shoulders were shaking. She was crying, and it was all my fault. Tears started to spill from my own eyes.
"I'm so sorry." I whisper, almost inaudiable. She stopped when she heard me, and slowly raised her head to look at me. Her eyes were red and puffy and there was a cut on her right hand, telling me she had been the one throwing glass.

"Sorry? Sorry! Don't tell me you're fucking sorry Gracie! What...I...you killed him! How could you do something like that! How does anyone do that! Why, Gracie? Why!" She screamed at me, her face no longer red from the tears but from the pure anger and hatred she was throwing at me right now.
I knew what she was asking. Why did I kill him? Why did I put a bullet into my own father's head. But...I couldn't tell her. I couldn't explain to her, ever, how he had raped me and beat me. How could I make her understand how her depression and him no longer acting like a father but a stranger, a rapist, could push me to kill someone? But the truth would just hurt her too much.

I shook my head and looked to the carpet, watching tears flow off my cheeks and onto the ground.
"Jesus, Gracie! Why won't you talk to me! Tell me! I'm your mother for god's sake! Oh sure, say I'm a bad mother all you want. Yeah I'm high most of the time and you're completely fucked in the head with what you've done. Hell, I thought you would have killed yourslef by now. You'd think that murder would drive someone so insane that they would have wanted to end it but not you, eh?" She was completely frantic, trying to get something out of me.

" I stayed for you! Do you not here my screams and cries at night from the nightmares! He haunts me! Yes, I probably would have killed myself by now but I was thinking of you! I already killed one of my parents I figured I owe the other one something. You are always just lying around on that couch. If I were dead, would you drag your ass up and buy food? Or would you have one of your dealers start getting that for you too?"

"Ha, owe me! How can you say you owe me something! You owe me a whole damn lot of somethings! You fucking killed him Gracie! You took him away and..."

"Oh stop! For one second stop pretending like you care because you don't care! You never cared! After Grandma died, it all went to hell! You and Dad were constantly drunk or stoned and you were always screaming at each other! You think that didn't fuck me up, having to cry myself to sleep every night! I knew you were depressed, and I knew dad would go get wasted some more after you passed out. I kept expecting to come home and find you in a pool of blood, wrists slashed or laying lifeless from too many pills in the same spot you always are! I was so fucking scared but you didn't give a damn about me! So stop your pretending, there's no one left to believe you!"
I couldn't stop the tears or the words. I was finally getting to tell her how screwed up things were, and now I couldn't stop.

She was quiet. Just glaring at me, and I returned the stare, though not quite as penetrating.
"Is that what it was Gracie? You wanted attention. Well guess what? You got some fucking attention Gracie! You make me sick. I don't even know if I can call you my daughter anymore. What would you grandmother think of you now, huh? She'd probably want to get rid of you like you did your father! Why would..." She would not stop screaming these terrible things at me. I could feel the words creeping up and my anger flared and before I knew it, the truth was out.

"He raped me!" I screamed, making her stop completely. She stared at me wide eyed, letting what I just told her set in.

"What?" She gasped out.

"He raped me, he fucking raped me! Okay? All those nights, you were stoned out of your mind and he would go out to get drunk. Yeah well, he'd come back and...and..." I couldn't take it and I broke down crying again.

Tears spilled over her eyes and I knew she was taking this hard. God, she shouldn't have found out like this. She shouldn't have ever found this out. " Why did you let him? You...you should have stopped him!"

"Let him! You think I wanted him touching me like that! I tried stopping him and he beat me! I had cuts and bruises all over my body and he still screwed me anyway! I was no longer his daughter, I was just some dirt bag whore! It was so disgusting I could have killed myself right then and there. But no, I kept thinking that one day I'd wake up and everything would be perfect again, like I could pretend it never happened! Well the nightmare never ended! I was never able to stop him...until I put that gun to his head. I finally stopped him...when his heart stopped beating!"

"Oh my god."

I turned around to see Seth in the doorway, a shocked expression on his face.
Oh no.