I Understand Now
Nine
Next Tuesday I sat down in math class, and as always, Gordon plopped down right behind me a few minutes after the class started.
"Hey Mason." He jabbed me in the back.
I wanted to focus on the teacher, but I decided to give Gordon this one look of acknowledgement. He looked even more unkempt than usual; his dirty-blond locks were wild and his shirt was wrinkled. But his eyes, as always, were bright with the look of amazement and wonder.
Gordon must've seen something on my face, even though I didn't want him to. "Wait, are you okay, Mason?" he asked.
"Fan-fucking-tastic." I turned back forward and didn't look back until class was over.
When class ended I gathered my stuff and hauled ass outta there. I didn't stop for anything until I got to my car. I threw my stuff into the trunk and started to open the door, but then I saw a reflection in the window.
"God damn, Gordon, what are you doing here?" I turned around and glared.
Gordon grinned, but it wasn't a happy grin. He actually looked worried.
"I wanted to know what's wrong," he said.
"There's nothing wrong."
"You and I both know you're bullshitting me."
I clenched my jaw. This damn Gordon was going to be the death of me. He wouldn't understand this. He didn't even know what was going on in my life. He didn't know what happened in the interim between our math classes and my time at home.
"It's just family problems," I said, and I pulled myself into the car and shut the door. I jammed the key into the ignition.
But that damn Gordon heaved himself into the passenger's seat and buckled himself in. "What kind of family problems?" he asked.
I wanted to punch him. "My kind of family problems. It's none of your business; you don't even know me."
"I agree, it's none of my business. But I'm worried about you. What's going on?"
"Get out of my car," I said.
"No."
"Please get out of my car."
"No."
I almost did punch him. But all I did was rev the engine and swerve out of the parking lot.
"My mom's going to go to an insane asylum tonight because my dad can't deal with her anymore. She's a drunk and babbles nonsense even when she's sober. Moreso when she's intoxicated. She wasn't always like this. And now I can't even deal with this even more. There. I said it. You happy?"
I gave him a pointed glower and waited for him to answer. Gordon, for once, didn't have anything snarky or obnoxious to say. The corners of his mouth turned down and he wrung his hands in his lap.
"I'm sorry," he said.
I felt words rise in my throat and threatened to burst out of my mouth in all their fury. But I said nothing. I wanted to scream at him, to yell and shout in rage, but I couldn't. I couldn't do that to Gordon.
We were silent the whole drive.
"This is your house, right? Down Centennial?" I asked once I could manage a calm word, but I was already turning. I saw his overgrown garden and pulled in his driveway and stopped. My hands were still clenched on the wheel.
"Thank you for telling me that," Gordon whispered.
He unbuckled his seat belt, and I tried to calm down. My nerves were riled up. I thought I might have to try cigarettes sometime like goddamn Gordon.
"Wait," I said.
Gordon waited and looked at me. His eyes were soft.
And I didn't even intend to tell him anything, but it just spilled out. I felt all the pain in my chest and the tension in my throat pour out of my mouth in these few words. I couldn't stop it. I'd already taken a step too far and fell off the cliffside. "I'm terrified. I don't understand what happened to my mom. She doesn't want me to be around you."
"What?" He looked puzzled.
"I mean-" I cut myself off. "I mean she didn't really say that, but I'm pretty sure she implied it. She doesn't even know you and I am so confused."
Gordon stared at me.
"I didn't want to tell you all this."
"That's okay." Gordon blew out his breath and shook his head. Then his green eyes drew up to meet mine, my heart twisted, and the boy leaned over and wrapped his arms around me in an awkward hug. I unclenched my hands from the wheel and managed to give him a hug back. As much as I hated it, as much as I hated myself and everything around me at this very second, I would let myself hug stupid Gordon.
"Let me see her," he said in my ear.
Gordon's hand unravelled my scarf and tugged it off when he pulled away. He was still close. I could still smell his hot breath with the sickly sweet smell of tobacco. His eyes were still full of concern and worry. His fingers trailed across my birthmark. It made my skin tingle.
"Okay," I said.
"Hey Mason." He jabbed me in the back.
I wanted to focus on the teacher, but I decided to give Gordon this one look of acknowledgement. He looked even more unkempt than usual; his dirty-blond locks were wild and his shirt was wrinkled. But his eyes, as always, were bright with the look of amazement and wonder.
Gordon must've seen something on my face, even though I didn't want him to. "Wait, are you okay, Mason?" he asked.
"Fan-fucking-tastic." I turned back forward and didn't look back until class was over.
When class ended I gathered my stuff and hauled ass outta there. I didn't stop for anything until I got to my car. I threw my stuff into the trunk and started to open the door, but then I saw a reflection in the window.
"God damn, Gordon, what are you doing here?" I turned around and glared.
Gordon grinned, but it wasn't a happy grin. He actually looked worried.
"I wanted to know what's wrong," he said.
"There's nothing wrong."
"You and I both know you're bullshitting me."
I clenched my jaw. This damn Gordon was going to be the death of me. He wouldn't understand this. He didn't even know what was going on in my life. He didn't know what happened in the interim between our math classes and my time at home.
"It's just family problems," I said, and I pulled myself into the car and shut the door. I jammed the key into the ignition.
But that damn Gordon heaved himself into the passenger's seat and buckled himself in. "What kind of family problems?" he asked.
I wanted to punch him. "My kind of family problems. It's none of your business; you don't even know me."
"I agree, it's none of my business. But I'm worried about you. What's going on?"
"Get out of my car," I said.
"No."
"Please get out of my car."
"No."
I almost did punch him. But all I did was rev the engine and swerve out of the parking lot.
"My mom's going to go to an insane asylum tonight because my dad can't deal with her anymore. She's a drunk and babbles nonsense even when she's sober. Moreso when she's intoxicated. She wasn't always like this. And now I can't even deal with this even more. There. I said it. You happy?"
I gave him a pointed glower and waited for him to answer. Gordon, for once, didn't have anything snarky or obnoxious to say. The corners of his mouth turned down and he wrung his hands in his lap.
"I'm sorry," he said.
I felt words rise in my throat and threatened to burst out of my mouth in all their fury. But I said nothing. I wanted to scream at him, to yell and shout in rage, but I couldn't. I couldn't do that to Gordon.
We were silent the whole drive.
"This is your house, right? Down Centennial?" I asked once I could manage a calm word, but I was already turning. I saw his overgrown garden and pulled in his driveway and stopped. My hands were still clenched on the wheel.
"Thank you for telling me that," Gordon whispered.
He unbuckled his seat belt, and I tried to calm down. My nerves were riled up. I thought I might have to try cigarettes sometime like goddamn Gordon.
"Wait," I said.
Gordon waited and looked at me. His eyes were soft.
And I didn't even intend to tell him anything, but it just spilled out. I felt all the pain in my chest and the tension in my throat pour out of my mouth in these few words. I couldn't stop it. I'd already taken a step too far and fell off the cliffside. "I'm terrified. I don't understand what happened to my mom. She doesn't want me to be around you."
"What?" He looked puzzled.
"I mean-" I cut myself off. "I mean she didn't really say that, but I'm pretty sure she implied it. She doesn't even know you and I am so confused."
Gordon stared at me.
"I didn't want to tell you all this."
"That's okay." Gordon blew out his breath and shook his head. Then his green eyes drew up to meet mine, my heart twisted, and the boy leaned over and wrapped his arms around me in an awkward hug. I unclenched my hands from the wheel and managed to give him a hug back. As much as I hated it, as much as I hated myself and everything around me at this very second, I would let myself hug stupid Gordon.
"Let me see her," he said in my ear.
Gordon's hand unravelled my scarf and tugged it off when he pulled away. He was still close. I could still smell his hot breath with the sickly sweet smell of tobacco. His eyes were still full of concern and worry. His fingers trailed across my birthmark. It made my skin tingle.
"Okay," I said.