Love & Verses

[Addison]

I rushed through the hospital in my wedding gown with my dad. They were hooking him up to many different machines and yelling he needed this and that. They called for a crash cart as well.

“You need to try to intubate before the crash cart!” I screamed out but no one was paying attention.

“Push one of epi!” The doctor yelled, giving him adrenaline to help start up his heart but nothing was working.

I pushed the stupid nurse out of the way and gave him another shot of adrenaline because she was going entirely too slow.

“Excuse me, you can’t just do that,” the doctor yelled. I took the intubation device into my own hands and began squeezing down. I felt strong arms pull me away from my father as the doctor took back over.

“Let me go! I have to help, I have to fix my dad!” I cried and yelled. The strong arms took me out as I fell into them and began to sob.

“Addie, sweetie, it’s okay,” Nathan whispered in my ear.

“No, I have to fix him,” I cried, staining Nathan’s white vest and tuxedo shirt with my tears. Nathan rubbed my back and told me it would be okay. My breathing became more and more unsteady.

I knew I was having a panic attack.

My wedding dress wasn’t fitted but I felt like I couldn’t breathe in it. I felt the pearl necklace strangling me at my neck.

“I have to get out of this dress, I-this necklace,” I said unsteadily. Nathan ripped the necklace off of me, allowing pearls hit the cold hospital floor and bounce around the hallway.

He grabbed the scissors that were on the cart outside my dad’s room and cut me out of the dress, not bothering to struggle with the zipper. I hopped out of it and into his arms, remaining in my dress slip and heels. My sister brought me a pair of scrubs to put on and led me to the bathroom.

I saw Nathan fold up my dress and place it in the seat next to him.

Just as he folded my wedding dress up (that was now completely ruined due to my demand for it to be cut off me), I saw my happy day come to a complete end.

Abby helped me take off my slip and I put on the scrubs she had gotten for me. Abby was still in her dress but I saw her bag of spare clothes that someone brought for her.

“Thank you, Abigail, for being the strong one all the time,” I said to her. She took a face towel to my face and removed my smeared make-up and fixed the strays in my hair.

“I do what I need for you, Addie, I know you will too,” she smiled, pulling me into a hug. I sighed unevenly as we went out to the waiting room. Nathan immediately came up to me and I curled up into his arms on his lap in the waiting room chair.

He had taken off his jacket, vest, and tie and rolled up his sleeves while I was away. I knew he felt as helpless as I did. All he could do was hold me and tell me it would all be alright in the end.

The doctors were with my dad for over an hour. My mother looked evenly at the door as Nathan’s mom tried to counsel her. James was making phone calls and Nathan’s brother Justin brought us all coffee. My sister sat with her boyfriend, Stephen from school, trying to distract her brain just as she had been doing for a while now. Donella was holding Max while her and her husband made phone calls.

“You know I wanted to meet you at the altar, Nate,” I said on his chest.

“You’re right where you need to be right now, Addie, don’t worry,” he assured me.

I was about to tell him that I swore I would be his wife as soon as my dad was back but the doctor came out and looked at us. I stood up and waited.

I knew what he was about to say.

“Adam, he was so unstable, the cancer was spreading all over his body, we did everything we could, Anna, Addison, Abigail, I’m so sorry,” he said to us solemnly.

My sister finally began to cry, my mother sat in her chair, numbly as Cecilia and James held onto her. Donella hung up her phone and held her baby tightly. I searched the doctor’s eyes.

“Did you really do everything you could?” I asked.

“Addison, I promise you, I would never give up on him, that man has done so much for me and this hospital, I couldn’t do more than I did,” he promised.

This was the chief of medicine I was questioning.

I pushed the doctor aside and went into the room where my father laid lifeless on the bed. They removed the tubes and needles. I looked at my pale father and sat by his side and just cried. My mom was talking to the doctor, Abby was still losing everything she had locked away for over a year and the Adrian’s were comforting us all. Nathan came into the room after a few moments and took me into his arms.

“Come on sweetheart, let’s go,” Nathan said, lifting me up and carrying me out like the bride I was suppose to be today.

Today. It was suppose to be the happiest day of my life but instead it is very well the worst day of my life. Nathan held me firmly as I cried more and more in his arms. Nathan carried me through the hospital and down the elevator. He put me gently in the back seat of the SUV he took to the church and climbed in the driver’s seat and drove me away.

I knew he couldn’t handle seeing me look over my dead father and sobbing anymore and I knew I also needed to get out of here. My mother had to sign papers and my sister was riding back with Stephen.

I kept crying on the way home but the car soon stopped and Nathan carried me out of the car up into his bedroom of his parents house. He lightly placed me on his bed and held me tightly.

“I love you so much, Addie, so much, I’m here. I’m right here,” Nathan whispered in my ear. I clung onto Nathan and cried myself to sleep.

I felt so horrible for how much I was putting Nathan through...again.

The next few days, I didn’t leave Nathan’s room. Everyone left me alone except for Nathan who came to tell me how loved I was and try to get me to eat.

But the time came where I had to leave his room, where I had to muster the energy and physical capability to go to my father’s funeral.

I put on a black dress and wore black pointed heels. I curled my hair and put on a light amount of make-up.

Nathan came in wearing his black suit and came and hugged me from behind at the bathroom sink.

“You’re beautiful, Ads,” he smiled. I mustered up a smile and looked at his dark eyes through the mirror.

“Thank you, Nathan. For letting me go to my father rather than to you. For putting your life on pause for so long for me and for always being here for me, even now, that you understand and let me ache,” I said tearing up. Nathan turned me around and pulled me into his arms.

“Addison, I may not have said my vows to you publically but I am in love with you, I’m here for you for better or for worse, I am here in your best of times and in your worst of times, I am here to pick you up when you fall, to hold you when you cry and to honor you physically, mentally, and emotionally, I’m here for you until the day I can no longer be here for you,” he said to me, pulling me so I would look at him in the eye.

I felt my eyes water as Nathan spoke so elegantly. I placed my lips firmly on his and rested there for a moment.

His lips were soft on mine, but affirming me. Letting me know he meant every word he just spoke. I pulled away and dabbed my eyes.

“I promise you, Nathan Adrian, that I will say my vows aloud, proclaiming and becoming your wife,” I promised. Nathan just took my hand and kissed where my ring rested on my finger.

“You will, when you’re ready,” he smiled, leading me downstairs where our family waited.

My mother looked so tired, Cecilia was running around doing what my mother was too numb to do. My sister tugged nervously at her dress. Everyone looked up at me and was unsure what to do as they hadn’t seen me since Nathan carried me out of the hospital.

“Addison, darling, can I get you anything?” Cecilia spoke up. I smiled softly and shook my head no.

We waited awkwardly a few moments more before it was time to go to the funeral.

We arrived to so many people ready to honor and remember my father. Nathan stayed by my side the whole time as the pastor spoke and my uncle spoke of my father. James stood to speak of how great of a man my father was and finally my mother stood and said the words a loving wife would say.

I saw her remain strong. Only choking back on her words as she spoke of the things my father would say and do for her. She thanked everyone for coming today and with a final prayer, we were on our way to the graveyard.

At the burial, my mother finally lost it. She fell to the open grave and began to sob uncontrollably. I stared evenly ahead, too tired to cry anymore. My sister held my mother’s hand as Nathan held onto me. I watched the dirt come over my father’s casket and I whispered “I love you too” in reply to the last words my father said to me before his casket was fully covered in dirt.

As the blur of the funeral came to an end, the lawyer finally came to our house and sat with us to read my father’s will.

“Clearly, the estates are left to his wife, Anna. Abigail will receive her trust when she is done with college and has a degree or as seen fit, Addison, you will receive everything in the next few days,” he spoke officially.

We already knew this, we knew our father had put away his finances and got everything together for us.

“More importantly, Adam had some specific requests, he left each of you a letter, Nathan he left one for you as well along with his sailboats and sailing gear,” the lawyer said handing Nathan a letter and the documents for our sailing stuff.

“Wow, thank you,” Nathan sat to open his letter and read it to himself. The lawyer handed me my letter and I sat next to Nathan to read.

Addison,

I already know you’re a beautiful bride. I close my eyes and see your shining face and see that you radiate beauty. I am beyond blessed to see that you have been able to reunite with a good man, a man you love. I am at peace that I have seen your life fulfilled. Addie, I want you to feel no regret for leaving. We all handle things differently and you should feel no guilt for taking that time away, I know you needed it and even in your absence, you were still here, you were always here with me Addison, you always will be. But promise me this, do not be afraid to live. My sweet Addison, for so long, you hid behind a mask, you accepted what you thought you deserved but please, realize now you deserve more than you will ever know. Don’t be afraid to feel the fullness with Nathan that I feel with your mother. Do not mourn my death but feel joy I will always be with you. I have instilled myself in your life in an irreplaceable way that even death cannot take away. So live, feel joy, feel delight and feel it with Nathan. Do all you’ve ever dreamed of. I’m always here, I’ll always love you.

-Dad.

I smiled as I looked up and saw everyone else smiling at what they had read. Nathan looked to me and grinned.

“Nathan, let’s get married, right now,” I smiled. Nathan looked at me unsure as my mother stood and nodded.

“Are you sure? Addie, we can wait for however long you need,” he protested but I shook my head.

“Our families are here, it’s the best time and we need something joyful, like my father. He’d want this,” I smiled, tearing up a little.

“Addison is right, my husband would want this, no more tears but happiness and fulfillment, we have the pastor here still for the wake, there isn’t a more perfect moment,” my mom smiled giving me a hug.

“Okay, let’s get married,” he smiled.

We left the room from upstairs and went down to where everyone was gathered for the wake when we asked everyone to go to our backyard. Everyone watched with curious eyes as Nathan and I walked hand and hand down the path between our families to the pastor who Abby was talking to.

“It seems today where death falls among us, we are going to see light as Addison and Nathan are going to wed as husband and wife,” the pastor smiled. Everyone clapped and whispered in approval as they stood and watched.

Nathan’s brother handed us the wedding bands and Nathan slid it onto my left hand.

Nathan repeated after the pastor; “I Nathan Ghar-jun Adrian take you Addison Marie Wilson to be my wife to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for better or worse, in sickness and health as long as we both shall live,” he smiled.

I slid his band on his left hand and said the same words back. The pastor declared us husband and wife and there in front of everyone in a crowd of black, light was found, I kissed Nathan lovingly on the lips as everyone clapped and smiled.

I felt this rushing feeling of joy and completeness. Something told me this is exactly what my father wanted from me. What he had written for me to feel. And to allow others to feel this as well.

I was finally Mrs. Nathan Adrian.