Falling Under the Puke

There are moments in our lives when we have to make decision. Who am I? We loose ourselves to love, to pains and social norms. We think it’s okay. We always say it will get better but what happens if doesn't? Close to the edge we look down at the depths that could swallow us. The temptation. The freedom that will take away all the aches. You stare into it’s depths waiting for it to pull you in. Waiting for it push you.

You can’t let it take you. Sometimes we wish we could disappear. What difference would it make? Nobody knows…They don’t see the pain on your face. The hurt you feel. How lost you are. It’s all to much at times. That’s when we hit the bottom. We look up at all we had and think ‘damn, what have
I become?’ That’s when we have to decide; who am I? Where am I going? How am I going to get there? It’s a climb. One hell of a climb but up is the only way left to go when you are at the bottom. Get off your hands and knees and take the steps. You will be okay. You will find yourself. You will grow. You will becoming the person you always knew you were. Don’t look down. Don’t look at the people who watch, judging. You are stronger then all of them. You are who you are and no one should change that.

That’s what I always told myself. It made sense, but having fallen so many times as I have with heart break and loss, I don’t know if I can do it. If I can get up off my knees and climb.
I always had a plan. A plan that would land me where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do. Now looking at the mess of sketches and paintings that covered my apartment it all seemed to crumple. I had no job, no money, nothing but all the hard work that I have put in to getting a degree in fine art. In making master pieces. Master pieces no one wanted. It seemed all unreal. Confusing. What was left?

Turning away from the reminders, I closed my eyes trying to remind myself that it would all be okay. I would figure it all out and my art would be recognized. Moving down the narrow hallway of my small apartment I enter the kitchen and look out the window at the beautiful city that lay across the horizon. Pittsburgh. Maybe it was time to leave. I frown at the thought. I love Pittsburgh. It was my home. It was all that I had. Pressing my finger tips to my lip, I watch the city. My thoughts wondering around the idea. It was all to much and when the apartment door buzzed I jumped startled. I moved quickly to the door, hitting the intercom button.

“Who is it?” I call.

“Your bitch!” I smile, my worries leaving temporarily at the sound of my best friend’s Red voice. Her name isn’t Red. It is actually Harley, but her spiteful personality and fiery red hair just made it simple for people to come up with her nickname. I hit the button on the intercom letting her in. I waited a few minutes as she road the elevator and swung the door open as I heard the ding and the doors open. She just smiled holding up two tickets as she pushed into my apartment.

“What are those?” I ask curious watching her smile turn into a victorious smirk.

“My dear, these are two tickets to the Penguins game, today, right by the box.” I felt my heart jump at her words. I loved the team. I supported them all the way even to the Stanley Cup finals and their victory in 2009.

“No!” I gasp as I move to her reaching for the tickets. She pulled them away out of my reach and raised a brow.

“You can’t go dressed like that!” She tsked. I looked down at my comfortable outfit. A pair of simple sweats an off the shoulder sweater. “You won’t be catching any hockey players eyes looking like that.” She started towards my room. “Go shower. We have a few hours.” She waved as she barged into my room. I shake my head at her and without argument move to the bathroom.
Red was beautiful. Inside and out. She always knew how to make someone feel better and always gave what she could. She came from a wealthy family and she wasn't afraid to trade an expensive car to help support a charity or a friend in a hard place. She was a giver. She could look intimating. She cared herself with grace and poise I wish I had. Her face was freckles which surprised a lot of people. Her skin was utterly flawless and her green eyes were to die for. She was slim and fit and something to look like. I always feel like a bum when I’m with her. It’s hard not to.
I strip out of my clothes and step into the shower adjusting the temperature. I scrub myself with a scented soap I always saved for special occasions and washed my hair with the same Herbal Essences that left it shining beautiful. After I finished I step out and dry myself. I wrap my body in a towel, tossing my dirty clothes in the hamper and move to my bedroom.

Red is sprawled comfortably on the bed with three outfits laid out.

“Pick one.” She ordered. I look at each frowning. I pick the first one I had laid my eyes out on. A pair of nude skinny jeans with my Penguins jersey and my black Howell heals. I look at her and she nods agreeing. I slip on some under wear and then my skinny jeans and then start apply my make up, not bothered by being only in a bra and pants around Red. I move to my vanity pulling out my make up bag. I quickly apply my foundation and a little black liner and light shadows that bring out my eyes and make them look brighter. I apply some bronzer and a little lipstick and look at Red who smiles.
“Looking good.” She approved. I turn away from the mirror pulling on the jersey that hung low but looked cute. I then blow dry my dark hair leaving my bangs straight across and pulling the rest up into a sporty pony.

“Who are you aiming to pick up tonight?” I ask as I look at Red with a wide grin. She smirks.

“Matt Niskanen.” I laugh at her pick shaking my head as I pull on my heals. “What! He’s cute.” She shrugged. “I know who you are going for.” She stretched and let her hands fall behind her head, her smirk turning into a grand smile.

“Who?” I ask interested in what her pick for me would be.

“Sidney Crosby.” She winked. I shake my head and stand up.

“I don’t think so.” I chuckle.

“Why?!” She sighs exasperated.

“Because! There is no way he is as genuine and humble as he is put out to be! It all to fake! And I honestly heard he was an asshole from one of the girls in my 2nd year class, who is from Cole Harbor.” I explain myself. She roles her eyes.

“You need to live a little.” She stands up and straightens herself out.

“I need to get a job.” I state plainly. She rolls her eyes and starts out the door.

“Lets go.” She started out the door.

***

“And Crosby scores! The Penguins have won their second game for the season!” The announcer called. I jump up with the rest of the people in the stands watching and clapping and cheering as the team comes together happily. I was happy. I loved the thrill of the game and when it came to being on the ice, it was pure pleasure. I remember when I was a child with my older brother, we would skate on our old back pond playing one on one. I was good but he was better. It was a light in my childhood I would always remember.

As the Penguins move to shake the hands of their opponents, I watch. People are leaving but Red and I stay till the end. As they file back into their locker room its nice to watch the smiles and the cheers. As I let my eyes wonder over the team it was almost a shock when they met two dark hazel ones. They held mine intently and I couldn't pull my eyes away from them. Sidney Crosby held me captivated. I don’t know how long he held them but as he disappeared the wall cut our gazes. I let a long held breath out and looked at Red who was staring at me in amusement.

“What?” I snapped.

“He was totally checking you out.” She stated.

“No, he wasn't, he was looking at you.” I tried to cover it up. I didn't want to be another crazy Crosby fan.

“Fuck that.” She laughed and started down the now empty stands. “I know what I saw.”

“Yeah.” I sigh and follow.

We didn't make it far out of the arena. Girls were pushing and shoving holding up pens and paper and posters as the Penguins moved towards them.

“Go get an autograph!” Red shoved me. I look at her appalled.

“No!” I shake my head and try to push through the crowd towards the door.

“I’m going!” Red called. “I want Niskanen’s and Fleury’s” She started pushing through. I huff annoyed and follow her reluctantly, knowing exactly what she was trying to do but I wasn't going to fall for it. We made it to the front of the crowd bumping into a body guard. I smile an apology at him and he only looked on. I look for Red who’s handing her hat to Fleury. I see the look on his face as he takes in her beautiful self and frown. She knew how to get them.

“Did you want an autograph?” Someone asked close to my ear. I turn startled and face those same eyes. He looks startled a moment then smirks. I felt something inside me churn at his handsomeness but forced it away. I wasn't going to get caught in all his fame. I wasn't that girl. My eyes land on his cocky smirk and I feel myself step back.

“No, sorry.” I turn my eyes way from his just in time to see a look of displeasure and annoyance. I look to Red who is eyeing me and trying to motion me with her eyes to Sidney. I look back at Sidney who was smiling at another girl behind me. I wish I could say I wasn't annoyed but I was.

“Excuse me.” I sigh as I try to push back through the crowd. Suddenly someone shoves me. I stumble but catch myself. I look around trying to find the culprit.

“Your excused.” Some girl with bottle blond hair stated with a cat like smile, taking my spot close to Sidney. I am about to pull her hair out but I can feel his eyes on me. I look up briefly at him to see him with a raised eye brow watching me. I feel every hair on my air rise and turn away not bothering with the girl. Quickly I move to the back of crowd to the doors ignoring the eyes that burned into my back.