When You're Lonely

I almost didn't answer, when I saw your number.

It was an October Saturday night, and I was walking to my friend's place for a few drinks to let loose. It had been a busy week with two midterms on the same day, readings and studying. I just wanted to let go of the stress and have some fun. My phone vibrated as I walked alone, headphones in my ears.

The number was a local one from home, but not one that I had recognized.

The message read: heyyyyyyyy

I quickly replied with: who is this?

The mystery person said: guesssss

Wow, creepy much? I typed: Uh...idk?

come on, i'm from Salem.

Good one, genius. A lot of people are from my hometown, I thought as I wrote back my thoughts: a lot of ppl are.

i play hockey.

Great. I know so many douchebag hockey players I can't even begin to count. I start thinking, and one name comes to my mind: Troy. The biggest asshole from high school and from Salem, who was also a hockey player. He made my life hell back home and he was the last person I'd want to talk to, no matter what day it was.

Okay... I reply, starting to shiver not just because of the cold night but at the thought of Troy even contacting me.

Guesssssssss.

What's with all the 's'? Drunk or just stupid? idk!, I reply.

As I reply to another message from a friend, my phone vibrates back with the reply from this hockey-playing Salem stranger.

It's Gabriel. Awks, eh?

As I read his name on my screen, I almost dropped my phone. All of the memories came flooding back, and my throat burned as I held back tears. I stopped in my tracks and just stared at his name. Gabriel Christensen. The boy who broke my heart.

***

I transferred high schools after Grade 10 to the public high school across town. I hated my old high school because it was just full of old memories and bullshit I just didn't want to face anymore. My mom was happy to get away from it too, because the price of the uniform was robbing us blind.

I can still remember the first time I heard his name. My mom and I were watching TV just like any other night.

"I was talking to Marcy today and she mentioned that Jason has a friend who plays hockey and is really cute I guess," she said.

"Cute?" My senses were awakened now.

"Yeah. His name is Gabriel...Curtis? No...C...Christensen. Gabriel Christensen. Marcy said he plays hockey in Salem. But I guess he almost always has a girlfriend."

"Well there goes my chance," I chuckle.

"Just thought I'd tell you. I guess if you and Jason become friends you could get acquainted with Gabriel."

I thought about it, and figured it would be worth at shot. I always wanted a boy who loved hockey and played it, because it was my number one passion. My dad raised me around hockey and I was still looking for that friend that took me seriously when it came to my fascination and would accept it. Preferably a male. And a cute one at that. But who was I kidding? This was Salem; where no cute boys ever existed. And if they did, they either had girlfriends or were the biggest assholes ever.

At the end of the summer in August I had a drivers ed class. It was full of people that I didn't know, and the first day I walked in wearing my Evgeni Malkin Pittsburgh Penguins t-shirt, a birthday gift from my dad. I sat in the front row as I walked in late, and the instructor starting calling out names. I fiddled with my pen awkwardly as I sat alone.

"Gabriel Christensen," she called out.

I froze. Was that the name my mom had mentioned?

I turned my head as a tall blonde walked towards the front of the room.

Okay, he wasn't that cute. Marcy was wrong. There was way better. He wasn't any Sidney Crosby or anything like that. He moved to the back of my mind and the next day I walked in for class I was sure to be on time so I didn't have to be the awkward kid at the front anymore. In the middle of the class, I dropped my pencil. Trying not to make any noise, I fished around for it as I slumped to the side, still trying to pay attention to what was being taught. Just as I was about to give up, someone was handing me the pencil.

"Looking for this?"

I turned to Gabriel's smile as he handed it back to me.

"Uh-thanks," I muttered awkwardly.

He kept the grin. "No problem."

The rest of the class I could still see his smile in my head. He was cute I guess. I mean, he did have blonde hair which totally made me weak when it came to guys.

At the end of every class however, I saw him with the same girl all the time. A tiny, perfect-skinned girl. One who was way better-looking than me. Mom did say that Marcy had told her Gabriel always had a girlfriend. Guess that was her.

So much for that idea.

Forever alone.

***

Don't you know it's 2:18 in the middle of the night? Did you fight with your girlfriend? Could you not sleep? Did a strong shot of whiskey leave you feeling weak?

i just wish you could be here with me right now so i could hold you, kiss you, and make love to you.

The tears streamed down my face as I read Gabriel's words. I had waited so long to hear everything he was telling me. I had fallen for him so hard and was still so crazy about him even after moving away from Salem.

i wish i was too, you have no idea. i've wanted this for so long.

just come home to me, Bri. please. i miss you so bad.

I could hardly even hear the music on my iPod that I was sobbing so hard. I wished I could go right home to Salem and be with him right then and there. I didn't care what I had to do. I just had to be with Gabriel Christensen right at that very moment.

I was in love with him.

***

I looked him up on Facebook one night after drivers ed. His profile picture was him...with another girl. But not the one in our class. This mystery girl must be his girlfriend.

Well, that ship sailed away fast.

School started a few weeks later, and the first day I walked into my Grade 11 Functions class, I sat at the back. I didn't know anyone in the class and I was the only one sitting alone. As expected.

I quietly observed the people in the room. I knew that not only would this class suck because it was math, but also because I didn't know anyone. It was going to get pretty lonely.

As we were assigned homework for the day, I saw him; he was walking towards me. I started to panic, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Was he gonna talk to me? Would I have to get over my fear of our first words?

But of course, he stopped, and talked to the guys in front of me. Safe.

"Rangers?"

Gabriel sat in the empty seat beside me and the two in front of me were turned around.

"Uh..."

"Why the New York Rangers?" his blue eyes studied me. I was weak, panicking, didn't know what to even say back to this angelic individual.

"My friend, he plays defence for them."

He chuckled. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah...rookie."

"Which one?" one of the boys infront of me questioned. I could tell by the look on his face that he didn't believe me.

"Del Zotto."

Gabriel smiled. "That's wicked. How'd you meet him?"

"London...he played for the Knights."

"Did you guys date?"

"...pardon?"

"Did you and Mike, did you guys date or what? There has to be some type of connection."

"We were just friends," I looked at all three of them. Nothing more."

"I'm sure," Gabriel nodded as he stood up.

As he walked back to his seat, I was puzzled as to how he would think that someone like me would get to be with someone like Michael.

That was my first interaction with Gabriel Christensen.

***

By the time Grade 12 rolled around, I was in a relationship with somebody else. It was my first real relationship, and Gabriel slipped from my mind for a long time. I'd see him with his girlfriend and it never hurt me anymore.

But when we were put beside each other for Grade 12 English, my feelings got stronger.

"I just feel like our relationship isn't as great as it was before," I was explaining to my friend Dylan about troubles I was having with my boyfriend at the time. "I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings."

"Why are you even with him anyways?"

Gabriel looked at me as I silently stared at him.

"Well?" he slumped down in his chair. "Why are you? He doesn't even like hockey anyways, and hockey is who you are."

Why was he even asking me this? Our relationship had nothing to do with him.

"It's more complicated than that, Gabriel."

"Is it? Or are you just making it a bigger deal than it really is?"

I pondered his comments as I stared down at my paper.

"I don't know."

"If he's hurting you, then I think you should just break up with him."

And that night when I was on the phone with my drunk, and stoned boyfriend, I said those words: 'we're done. I can't do this anymore.'

The breakup didn't hurt me, but when I showed up the school the following week and saw Gabriel kissing his girlfriend and smiling with her, I felt it again; that feeling of loneliness. Some stupid part of me thought that if I broke up with my boyfriend, he'd break up with his girlfriend and we'd finally get to be together.

"I just wish I could tell him how I felt," I was telling my friend all of my feelings. "But he's with her, and I can't do that. None of his friends like me either. I feel like if anything ever happened between us, he would want to keep it a secret. But I don't want to do that. I want to be with him and let everyone know how great we are."

I did everything I could to get closer to him. I told myself that I was going to get his number before this school year ended. That was my goal.

***

"Thank you so much. This really means a lot," I spoke as I hugged Gabriel.

He smiled. "It's not a problem. As soon as my dad told me about them, I thought of you. I knew you'd want them for sure."

I smiled. We stood in the parking lot of a local grocery store and as we were about to part ways, I saw his girlfriend sitting in the passengers seat of his car.

"Have fun! Text me or Cassy and we'll look for you on TV."

"But...you said they weren't close," I studied him.

"Open up the envelope and find out!" he called as he got back into his car. I got into the drivers seat of my own and ripped open the envelope. Before me was two tickets to the 2011 Mastercard Memorial Cup, 2 rows from the ice.

My heart nearly stopped.

He could have given these tickets to anyone; anybody he wanted to. But he chose me. I didn't want to over think it but...part of me thought that maybe the feeling was mutual.

Just maybe.

***