When You're Lonely

The summer after high school was long. I saw Gabriel and Cassy when I was at work once and tried my best to not show my jealousy or pain inside. I assumed that after grad I would just get over him easily, but that was definitely not the case. I was already so involved that I couldn't look past it.

Gabriel and I talked sporadically through the summer but not as much as we had when were still in school together. I missed seeing him on what seemed to be a daily basis and was having trouble getting used to it. I had accepted at this point that we were never going to be together and my way of coping with it wasn't the best. I used a guy friend for sex, which is something I am always going to regret. I lied about liking him just to get what I wanted and the entire time it was happening all I could think of was Gabe. It was sickening.

That summer was a long one because I knew that at the end of it I would finally be out on my own at Brock University to start chasing my dreams. He was always in the back of my mind when I made a big decision, always excited to tell him. It was like we were together - though I knew we weren't. He was still with her.

September came and I was finally on my own, living in residence with my best friend from home. My new found freedom was overwhelming at first and I went through periods where I really missed home. But soon I began to realize how much I loved Brock and Niagara. It was a new beginning, a new time for me to find myself and hopefully move on from Gabriel for good and accept that friend was all we would ever be.

He temporarily slipped out of my mind as soon as I met Jason at a party on the second night. We hooked up and me being the naive girl I was, thought we were going to start a relationship. Three more hookups and he was gone. It crushed me but in a sense I'm glad it happened - I learned a valuable lesson about who I could and could not trust. I didn't meet many more worth while guys during that fall and began to become consumed with school. I was loving every second of my program and felt so excited for the future I was going to have.

Part of me still wondered about Gabriel though. Sure, I was hooking up with other guys - something that everyone does in university nowadays. I didn't want a relationship with anyone, I was too busy and it was the only way to go. Gives you a temporary feeling of being cared for - almost like a high - and then as soon as you want to forget it, they're gone. In a way I felt as thought I had lost respect for myself but I was making my own choices and this was how I chose to live my life now. I did not want to open up to anyone with fear of being crushed.

Little did I know, my biggest heartbreak was coming soon. And it would occur between me and the one person I thought cared for me most.

***

please just come home. i want you here with me.

The tears were uncontrollable. It was like he was reading my mind with everything he said.

if i could you know i would. i miss you.

i miss you more. your beautiful face, perfect body...please come home to me, baby.

***

I was surprised to see a text from Gabe one night after class. He started asking me about school, what it was like there, being away from home and all. I was honest with him - I loved it. I had never been so excited for something before.

We continued to make small talk, and he seemed a bit off. I had my laptop open and was casually scrolling through Facebook. One story on the newsfeed caught my eye however...

Gabriel Christensen went from being "In a Relationship" to "Single".

I felt my cheeks burn and my heart start to race...sure, it was a bit sick that a breakup made me so happy, but didn't it mean something? He had just ended his relationship with her and texted me moments after it happened.

Cass and I broke up he texted.

oh...wow I'm so sorry Gabe...you alright?

oh yeah i'm fine...she wanted to get really serious and I didn't. I don't want to tie myself down when I haven't even left Salem yet.

i can understand that. life is so different when you move away. i feel as though i live one way in Salem and a totally different one here. its a bit odd at first but its an amazing thing. i'm so glad i decided to leave when i did.

We talked back and forth about it for a bit and he told me that speaking to me made him feel better. I really didn't want to read too much into it but my feelings were still so strong for him.

Did he have feelings for me like everyone had told me he did?

A few mixed drinks gave me the liquid courage to ask him a few weeks later.

"I just want to know. We've been friends for so long, it won't even be weird," I said to my friend at a party one Friday night.

Gabriel and I had been talking and were sending pics of our drinks back and forth with a little "wish u were here" text and winkey faces. It was all good fun like we used to have.

Now was my chance - he was single and I was single. I wouldn't be stepping on any toes or in any way be a "home wrecker". Cass and Gabe were done and he was confiding in me.

can i tell you something? I messaged him.

He took a while to reply and when he did it was a simple: sure

I had to think strategically about how I was going to say it. There was no simple way, I had to just be straight up.

i've had a crush on you since we met, haha. never would've guessed eh?

I kept checking my phone anxiously waiting for the reply. When it didn't come right away I knew I'd made a mistake. It was clear he didn't feel the same and had no intentions of replying to my courageous attempt to finally explain my deep feelings for him.

As we walked across campus to another party after midnight hours later, my phone vibrated with a reply.

why?

I froze. The guy whose arm I was hanging onto stopped too.

"Everything alright?" he asked as I studied my phone.

My throat burned, I felt so stupid for what I had done and it was clear he definitely did not feel the same. "Yeah - it's great!" I lied with the fakest smile I could force out at the moment.

He walked ahead of me and I stumbled slowly behind. Why would he say that to me? After what I had just said? I never knew one simple word could burn me so badly.

I drunkenly typed back: because i find you attractive? lol

I knew the laugh out loud would mellow the conversation and kill the awkwardness. I didn't want to burn this friendship, but I was still hurt by his reply.

I would wake up the next morning to a text from him that just read oh, haha.

So much for that idea.

***

I had told Gabriel in November how I felt about him and we didn't talk near as much as we did after it. I felt as though I had ruined our friendship and made it weird, but that was a risk I had to take when I'd become so emotionally involved.

In February, my roommate and I made a profile for me on a dating website as a joke. I got messages from a few potential suitors and went on a few terrible dates with some serious catfish - it was awful. However, I met a guy by the name of Thomas on there. He played for the local major junior team in Niagara and sent me compliments on how beautiful he thought I was. It became clear that he just wanted sex however, and I was turned off. I wanted to get involved in a bigger sense than that with someone. As I was finishing class up for the day later that week, I got a message from a random number.

hey Bri

I found out its the goaltender for the same team in Niagara. I know these guys are trouble and I should stay away. But as I talk to this goalie, who tells me his name is Colten, I begin to think he is an exception.

As I read my Facebook timeline later that night, I see that again Gabriel has found someone else.

Clearly my words meant absolutely nothing to him.

My heart burns with pain because I know its finally time to move on.