When You're Lonely

Colten and I spent a few evenings together after getting to know one another. He seemed like a great guy - he was interested in me as person, promised to keep us quiet like we both wanted to, and we even had a class together.

But my bubble soon burst when I found out it was all a prank. He had a girlfriend and was only trying to get me to sleep with him so he could brag to his teammates about it. I made the mistake of consenting to sex via text, leaving the evidence in plain sight. It never happened, but of course he told everyone it did. Months of hell ensued, and I decided it was definitely time to take a break from guys and focus on me.

Fast forward to April. Final exams. Stress on stress on stress. My roommate was done five days before I was and moved home before my fifth and final exam. My first night alone I spent it with a friend who was moving out to Alberta to work for the summer. I remember him leaving shortly after 1am. It had been a huge eight months for me. A lot of fun, but also a big learning experience. But one thing still remained the same - my feelings for Gabriel.

As if on cue, just after 2am, his name lit up my iPhone screen.

how're exams???

Weird question to be asking at 2am, but any word from him fuelled my fire. I wanted any part of him I could have. I was holding on and not letting go any time soon.

decent, i have one left in three days.

Casual convo back and forth. And somehow, we got on the topic of my personal life. He knew about Colten and what he'd done to me.

you deserve way better than that Bri.

i know i do. it's just not something you find here. i know what i want but i can't have it.

I was hinting at him. I always dropped these hints but it seemed he never picked up on them.

and why's that?

because its always been out of reach.

nothing is out of reach for you bri ;)

haha, thanks but thats not always true. and I'm not sure how you mean?

He stopped replying. I began to fade off into sleep knowing I had a busy Saturday of studying ahead of me.

But this was only the beginning.

if that were me, i'd never treat you like that.

My heart skipped. To think that he even mentioned us in that way made me anxious. It set my passion for him on fire all over again.

aww thanks

I really didn't know what else to say at that exact moment - I wanted to think he wanted us to be connected romantically, but considering i'd already mentioned that months before, I wasn't exactly willing to take my chances.

but you were always too good for me...still are! Colten is a big time hockey player, and not to mention Mike, the New York Ranger who had it for you too. you're out of my league aha

This threw me off my track. Me - too good for Gabriel? Never. It was opposite as far as I was concerned! Something wasn't right here.

haha well Colten played me and Mike, he never wanted me that way I'm sure.

how could he not though? look at you. don't think i never thought of what it would be like to be with you, Bri.

I felt it all coming back. Every moment when I pined for him in high school. How it pained me to see him with Cass, and every other girl I'd ever seen him with. Seeing him at Prom, holding her close. Having him next to me at graduation, flashing me that perfect smile. It was all coming back, proving to me that it had in fact never left.

During this entire saga, I was talking to my friend Scott from class. He knew about me and Gabe and how it was. He told me to stop talking to him, he had a girlfriend, therefore he was off limits. And whatever was going to surface from this was purely from the alcohol and it would crush me. Maybe he was right, but I wanted to know - I'd waited for years - I wanted to know how this boy that I'd fallen so hard for so quickly felt about me.

no you didn't.

He replied quick.

how do you know?

i just do. you always had someone, Gabe. plus i told you how i felt in november and all you said was why

because i didn't believe it. how would you ever have feelings for me? i never had the someone that i truly wanted when i was with all those other girls too. i never had you.

Before I could reply, he continued.

didn't you notice how i looked at you? how every time i kissed Cass I was looking at you? when we had grade 12 english i loved being with you. sitting beside you every day, looking forward to how you were going to dress or fix your hair that day. it didn't matter what you did, you always looked so beautiful. then you started dating that guy in the fall, and i knew he was wrong for you. it killed me to see you upset, but also killed me to know i wasn't the one with you.

but you always had a girlfriend, what was i supposed to do? especially when you hid this the entire time. in fact, i don't even believe it.

well i guess i'm good at hiding things? i don't get how you didn't see how i looked at you. how i smiled every time you looked at me. i wanted everything to do with you. i wanted you to be mine, so i could show you off and hold you...hold your beautiful body, that body...god i can't get over you.

My heart was breaking at his words. Because I wanted this so badly and I knew I couldn't have it.

Gabe...you have a girlfriend.

but she's not you. she's not that beautiful girl i fell for in high school. i wish you were here. please come home to me, so i can say every thing to you in person.

i can't, i have an exam.

i wish you were here with me in this bed, so i could hold you. look into those sparkling green eyes. touch you like i've always wanted to. make love to you.

That was it. As soon as he mentioned that four letter word, I was done. I was a puddle of emotions laying at his feet. I was smitten all over again...completely his.

i want that too. so badly.

I gave in.

every time i'm with Alexis and we're intimate, i pretend she's you. i pretend that the girl against me, the one i'm holding and giving myself entirely to...is you. because that's how i've always wanted it to be. i'm so in love with you, Bri. completely.

I fell apart. I couldn't hold in my emotions. Now I finally knew it all. For the three years I'd known this boy, he felt the same. He wanted everything I did. Every one was right.

We'd fallen in love with each other without even knowing it. I fell in love with him in secret...in the middle of a friendship. And he fell in love with me too. I couldn't believe this was life.

i love you too Gabe. you have no idea. i've wanted this for so long.

but i have to let it go. because i love my girlfriend too.

There it was - the knife in my side, back again. But he was right, he had her, they were loyal to one another and I had no business tearing it apart.

you're killing me. breaking my heart.

just come home, so we can figure this out. So we can talk about what's going to happen for us. i want to try.

i do too but i'm going to be in Toronto all summer.

my dad works there, i'll come see you. and when you're home we can spend as much time as we can together. i want this to work. i want you to be mine. mine to hold, mine to make love to. i want to show you and give you the love you deserve.

Where my emotions were at that very point are hard to describe. They were excited, but broken. It was a tough mixture. All I knew was I was so emotionally and deeply involved now that if this didn't work out, my world would be over. I'd never recover.

We agreed to talk in the morning. He was going to speak with his girlfriend, as they'd gotten into a huge fight that night, and tell her what happened. All I had to do was wait.

Part of me thought he was going to flake and I was going to be left alone. But nearly all of me trusted him. I loved him, he loved me. What more did we need?

I cried myself to sleep that night. And when I woke up the next morning with puffy eyes, my heart was whole.

The boy i'd loved in secret for three years was ready to tell the world.