When You're Lonely

I woke the next morning and as soon as I opened my eyes, the memories of the previous evening/early morning came flooding back.

Gabe...loving me...for real. It was like a dream. I was completely hooked, more than ever before. Everything I had ever wanted was right here. All that stood between us was my final exam and my move home for a few days before leaving for Toronto.

"There's no way he can be serious right now Brianna, he has a girlfriend," my mother stated as I filled her in on the previous night's events. "He has for months now."

"But Mom...you know how we are. He's always been on and off. All through high school he was flirting with me and making it seem as though I was what he wanted."

"I know honey I just...I find it hard to believe that he was saying this all of a sudden. Plus you said he was drinking so...how do you know he wasn't just drunk and lonely?"

"...Mom..."

"I'm just saying, Bri. There's a chance that he was just drunk and speaking to whoever would listen."

"I know."

My Mom was right. I knew it. But i refused to accept it. Gabriel had said so many things to me there was no way it was all a lie...just no way.

"I knew this all along though," my Mom spoke again. "I knew he had feelings for you. So did Anna, she told you every day that he did. It was so obvious. Its nice to finally know, isn't it?"

A smile crept across my face again and I felt my face burn red. "Yes...it is."

"I hope it works out, honey. Just...don't get your hopes up okay? He has Alexis still at this point."

As soon as we hung up I ran out the door to my friend's across the hall.

"Sarah...I have the craziest story for you," I spoke as she walked down the hallway with me toward the cafeteria.

I told her everything - how he put it all out there. How he missed me. How he loved me. It all seemed surreal when I said it aloud myself.

All of my friends, including Sarah, knew about Gabriel and our history. How i felt about him then and how I always would feel about it. How no one compared - no one.

As we sat down discussing how I was going to start packing today and try to get home as early as possible to see him, his name vibrated my phone again.

"It's him," I smiled as I slid the unlock button across the screen.

The first words I saw were "I'm sorry..." The rest were a blur...

My Mom was right. He changed his mind...it was all a lie...

i'm so sorry for last night brianna, i was so drunk. i just read over all of the messages...i can't believe i said all that. i didnt mean any of it. its all the past. i love my girlfriend. she's my world. i hope that you and i can still be friends! because you're a great friend :)

I dropped my phone on the table, hands shaking. I didn't know if I was shaking for anger, fear or just hurt. Or...everything.

"What happened?! What did he say?" Sarah prodded.

I shook my head, pressing my lips together trying to hold back tears. But one fell. Then another.

"...he took it back. He didn't mean it..."

"What?!"

"...he didn't mean any of it. It...it was all...a lie. Just like everything else I thought was real...its all...gone. He loves her...not me...I was just a drunken...mistake. Yeah, a mistake."

"Oh Bri...no, you're not a mistake."

I shook my head, tears rolling uncontrollably down my face. "Nope...I am."

I took my phone in my hand and stood up. "I'm sorry, I need to go back to my room, okay? I'll text you later."

Sarah stood up, arms open for a hug. "Let's meet up later okay? I don't want you to be alone through all of this."

I hugged her. "Thanks...but right now, I need to be."

you're such a good friend

His words cut me like a knife. I should've known he wasn't being serious. Because if it's too good to be true...it usually is.

With shaking hands, I read the message again. I needed to reply - I needed to know why.

are you serious, was all I could type back.

Seconds later: what?

after all of that and everything we said last night you can just take it all back? you're breaking my heart.

Bri...come on, stuff happens, okay? we can still be friends. because i still care about you.

no! we can't! you just fucked everything up. you have no idea how i felt about you! everything last night was real to me. REAL.

it was real for me too back in high school, okay? I felt that way about you for all those years then i just moved on because you left for school.

wow...don't even blame me leaving for university as the reason for this...i didn't do this

no, thats not what I'm saying...im just saying that i moved on and i care for Alexis. a lot.

but not for me.

Bri...

i can't do this. i can't go back and pretend everything is okay because what happened last night was real for me. i loved you then and i love you now. and i will for a long time. i don't give a fuck if you ever do back. because now i know you never will.

Bri its not like that.

then how is it?!

its complicated.

of course it is.

well i want to be able to talk this out and work it out. can i call you later?

no. i can't talk to you anymore. not right now.

okay. take all the time you need. when you're ready I'm right here.

My entire body was shaking. I couldn't see infront of me. I felt myself falling apart. More than ever before.

I thought i knew what heartbreak was.

But I now know I didn't.

This was heartbreak.

And it hurt like hell.