When You're Lonely

Beyond all of the heartache and tears, I knew I still had a final exam to study for. There was no way I was going to let a guy be the reason why I did poorly in school. It was my main priority and the reason why I wasn't at home right now. Sport was my passion, always has been and always will be. I had an amazing job waiting for me in Toronto in just a few weeks and all I needed was to get through this exam.

I packed my bag and headed to the library to start studying. I couldn't be in my room anymore, the walls felt like they were closing in and every where I looked I saw Gabriel. I hit "shuffle" on my iPod and of course, the first song that came on was "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum - the same song that was playing when everything happened less than 12 hours before.

As I walked down the school hallways, I kept telling myself not to cry - hold it in, don't let anyone see your weakness. My head was pounding from sobbing already so much today and I just wanted the feeling to stop.

I sat in the library and opened my biology textbooks. I read the pages blankly for a few minutes, nothing sinking in. Looking around me there were a few people here, not near as many as usual. Everyone was already home celebrating their summer and spending time with loved ones. But me, I'd never felt so alone in my life.

And all I wanted was for Gabriel to be sitting beside me holding me and telling me he loved me, just like he had the night before. I wanted to pack up and rush home to see him and talk this out, like he promised we would. Except this time I knew it wouldn't end well. it would end in goodbye.

But it wasn't true. It was all a lie.

I tried to study again. But my mind couldn't focus. All of the events kept replaying in my head. I was becoming obsessed with what had happened and I didn't know how to let it go and focus on school like I so should have been.

I picked up my phone and I caved. I typed a message.

i wish you could understand how i feel right now. how empty and broken i feel. i wish i could break your heart like you did mine. you'll never get what you did to me.

A tear fell as I sent it and put my head down on the desk. Just as I was about to pack up and go somewhere else, my phone vibrated.

An incoming call.

[i[Gabriel C.

I picked up the phone. I knew answering the call would complicate things.

But I needed him, any part of him I could have. Even if it was just to be turned down and told its over before it could even begin.

"...hi.", I managed to get out when I picked up the call.

"hey," he replied. His voice flooded my ears as he began apologizing and telling me how sorry he was for "messing things up". All I could hear was the tone of his voice; the voice i'd missed hearing for the last eight months. I was so drunk on my fucked up feelings and love for him that I couldn't even comprehend what he was saying.

He was more or less dumping me and I refused to accept it.

Bri? you there?

...yeah.

so are we okay?

...okay?

yeah...are we? because i do care about you and -

don't say that.

say what?

that you care about me

but i do. you're one of my best friends. and I want us to be able to stay that way.

but nothing more. because i'm not good enough for you right? i'm not Alexis. Even though when you fuck her you think of me. you know how fucked up that is? like really. think about it.

Bri that's not what i meant I-

THEN WHAT DID YOU MEAN?! TELL ME WHAT YOU FUCKING MEANT!!

People in the library looked at me. I forgot where I was because I was so caught up in this mess of feelings. I couldn't see through my tears.

look, i'm going to stop. because clearly you're hurt and thats all my fault. i don't want to mess things up for you even more than i already have. so good luck on your exam, you'll do amazing. and when you come home let me know okay? i want to see you so we can talk about things. but if you need more time then i understand that too. i'll be here when you're ready.

...no.

what?

i don't want to see you, Gabriel. i can't sit there and look at you anymore...i hate you. i hate you more than i've ever hated someone in my life. you've broken me beyond repair. i hate you so much and i hate myself for loving you.

Those were the last words I spoke to him for a long time. But not the last tears I cried.

I cried when I studied.

I cried with my friends.

I cried packing to move home.

I cried during my exam.

I cried so much I forgot how it felt to be okay.

As fast as I moved home I was gone to Toronto and working. I thought of him every day, not a day went by that I didn't. And every time I drank after turning 19 in May, I texted him. Telling him time and time again how much I hated him for what he did.

It was at this point that I became obsessed with overanalyzing the situation and telling him how I felt. It was as if I felt that if I told him how badly he hurt me that he would take it all back and make things right the way I wanted them to be.

A few weeks into summer, around June, his relationship status went from "it's complicated" to "single" once again.

I was home for a few days just after this time. I was with my friend Maria and we were by the beach, talking about the situation.

"We could always go to the club. He might be there. Hell, he probably will be - where else is there to go?" she said as we drank.

I knew it was a bad idea. But this could finally be my chance to see him and tell him how he really made me feel. And add a little liquid courage.

This would be the first time I would see him in person since what happened between us.

Except for this incredibly awkward time where I saw him in a grocery store and tried to disappear from sight and my dad said hello to him...then we made eye contact and I nearly cried like a loser. And I had to finally tell my dad the entire story. It was...painful to relive it all again.

But all that aside - this was it. The wait was over, it was time to be with him. He was single and I was single - as I always was - and the timing we now or never.

We drank enough to feel good and walked down to the club from the beach. It was like reuniting with friends from the past - it was so much fun. I hadn't seen Gabriel yet.

But not long after that, he sat a few tables away from me on the patio. I felt my entire body tense up. I chugged my drink. God he looked gorgeous...

I tried to acted subtle - like I didn't see him.

But I did. And he caught me looking at him.

I felt his eyes staring into me. I tried to ignore it. But I couldn't.

Maria was telling me to just go and do it.

I couldn't look at him. I stood up and started walking back into the club and away from him.

All of his friends were here. And if it was still the same as high school I was sure none of them liked me. They probably enjoyed my pain.

I went up to the bar and ordered another drink. If he was going to find me, I needed this.

"Hey you."

There he was, standing right infront of me when I turned around.

"Hi," i breathed out, smiling. I wish I hadn't because I still hated him.

But I smiled because I loved him.

Honestly, how fucked up is this?

"Let's talk," he said. "Want to go for a walk on the beach?"

I knew what would happen if we did. But I wanted all of him and if it meant we could be alone like I so wanted, then I would.

Of course we didn't though. Because he was too cheap to repay the $5 cover.

"Let's just sit here," he found an empty table. The music was loud so we leaned close. And I felt his body heat against mine. It made all of the hair on the back of my neck stand up. He was even more beautiful close up than I remembered.

"So..." I began.

"My dad cheated on my mom." he blurted out.

"What?!"

"My dad had an affair. He cheated. And my entire family is fucked," he took a long swig of his drink.

I leaned back. "Oh...I'm sorry..."

It was like he was trying to make me feel sorry for him over something I had nothing to do with. Like he didn't want to talk about this at all. I wasn't changing the subject though.

"Gabriel I want to talk...about...us," I changed the subject back. "About what happened."

He ran a hand through his dirty blonde hair. "Bri...I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry about what happened. I really am."

I nodded. "But now you and Alexis are over."

"Yeah it was bound to end though."

Our conversation was back and forth, and foggy in memory as we were both drinking...alot.

"I did love you, Brianna. I really did," he stated.

I leaned closer to him. He put his arm around me. I put my hand on his knee. He laced his fingers with mine.

This was it.

This was how things were always meant to be. We sat like this for what felt like forever, but not long enough. We cried. He held me. It felt so right. I told him I loved him and was going to for a long time. I told him I didn't want anyone else but him. He knew. But there was so much between us, so much holding us back and neither of us could define what it was.

His friends came and sat beside him, looking at me, then back at him. I felt judged but I didn't care.

He moved away, letting go of my hand and stood up.

"Uh...I'll be right back."

And he was gone, replaced by one of his friends.

He proceded to apologize for "being an asshole in high school". He knew about what had happened between us. He was also broken, similar to me he insisted. And we talked about it.

I don't remember much of the conversation, except for the point where he said: "if you love him, you need to show him. Tell him and let him know. Make him aware of how great you are and how perfect you are for each other. Because you have to speak now."

And as I spotted Gabriel again, on the dance floor with a girl we graduated with, my heart dropped. Why was he dancing with someone else after what had just happened between us?

I found Maria on the dance floor and she saw Gabe with the girl.

"Go! Dance with him!" she pushed me toward him. The girl was gone.

I stood before him and he put his arms around me hugging me to him. The bass was booming, some dance song blaring. People were drunk, some a lot more than us. And as the lights blinked I could barely see his face. But his eyes were on me.

And I leaned in.

Just as I was about to kiss him like I'd wanted to for so long he pushed me away.

"No."

And he disappeared into the crowd.

And again, I was left standing there, dumbfounded.

And crying.

I was so stupid. Who was I to think that he would kiss me in a club and it would be just as I'd dreamed? Nothing is ever as you imagine it.

As I sat back in the same spot as before, I began to kick myself for not taking the beach walk offer. Things probably would have been so different.

I tried to stop crying and just let it go. I was drunk and broken and just needed to get away from all of this.

But I couldn't - I still needed to talk to him and see him. He'd been holding me not long before and now he was dancing with that same girl again.

As I sat hopelessly looking out at him I watched as she leaned in...and as he kissed her back. Sloppy, but he still kissed her.

And as they pulled away, he turned and looked at me. She walked away.

He walked over to me. I glared as he came my way. I was mad now, but still burning for him.

As he came closer he leaned down to me and said something to me that haunted me for what would be years to come: "I don't fucking need you anymore. And I don't love you anymore."

No.

There was no way he meant what he'd just said.

No.

This wasn't the Gabriel I knew.

What the hell was going on?

As I stood up, Maria came running over.

"Bri what happened?!"

I began panting, tears falling uncontrollably now as his words sunk in.

"He did...he...he...fucking ruined me."

"Bri!"

She kept calling out my name as I followed him and his friends out of the club. They were all laughing and having a great time, as if I was the joke.

"HEY!" I yelled from behind them.

Gabriel turned around, that half crooked smile on his perfect face.

"Brianna, just...go home, okay? Let's talk tomorrow when this has all settled."

"When this has all settled?! Are you fucked?! After what you just said to me and you want to just leave and think its okay?!"

A few of his friends laughed. "Well...yeah."

We were in the middle of the street, his friends beside him and me across from him.

I was floored - shocked at how he was acting. I didn't know this side of him. Or maybe I did and had just neglected to see it for all those years I knew him. But I didn't like it at all.

"I fucking hate you!" I yelled, loud enough for it to be heard over the music inside. People turned. "I hate you now more than I hated you when you fucking lied to me. You're the most worthless and hopeless person I've ever met. Who the fuck do you think you are?!"

As I lunged forward to push him, Maria pulled me back.

"Bri! Stop!" she yelled. "Let's get the hell out of here these guys are a waste of time."

She exchanged a few choice words with him and a few of his friends. He threw his hands up muttering a few hallow 'sorry's' like he didn't know what was going on. And again, i was lost in emotion, crying again.

"I hate you Gabriel Christensen. I hate you more than I ever loved you."

As we walked away, the last sight I saw was his friends laughing and piling into a vehicle. He stood there watching we Maria and I walked away as if he had just realized what he'd said and what had happened.

And that was the last time I ever saw him.