You've Left Me Speechless

I stood staring out at the pouring rain has it fell down around my house. The cold chill in the air mixed with the freezing rain outside making me grip the hot chocolate in my hands even tighter.

It’s been years since I’ve thought about him like this and yet on this cold, rainy day my mind has wandered to thoughts of him.

I haven’t talked to him in a long time and I haven’t seen him in longer. He was always a bit of a mystery to me but then again that’s what attracted me to him in the first place. He had a way of slipping past undetected while making a ton of noise in the process. He contradicted himself and lived life in the moment.

He was everything I wish I could be but everything I knew I couldn’t ever be. I wanted structure and stability, a job, husband, kids, everything. He wanted to go with the wind and do whatever he wanted to do.

We were never right for each other but that never stopped me from wanting it; from wanting him. Our differences never stopped me from caring about him or wishing that he would look my way once in a while. I could have made him truly happy but he never felt that way about me.

So here I was years later, a good job under my belt and a 4 year old kid that my best friend left with me after passing away from cancer unexpectedly.

Glancing back I watched as he slept peacefully on the couch for his afternoon nap. He was amazing and I loved him to bits.

Turning back to the rain I watched as it fell in similar patterns to the day I finally realized that he would never pick me.

Tristan would never pick me…


Standing on the corner in the pouring rain I held onto my umbrella with such force that my fingers were starting to turn white.

I was waiting to cross the street after my class when a hand touched my shoulder from behind.

"Hey."

I jumped and spun around to see who have snuck up on me. When I saw his smiling face I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

"Idiot! Give me a heart attack why don't you!"

I reached out and smacked my friend, Tristan, upside the head

Tristan just laughed at me, his laugh making me warm inside.

“Sorry Giselle.”

"You're a jerk."

"Yeah well ya know."

I couldn't help but laugh. Tristan just had that effect on me. He could make me laugh with just a single look, a single glance. He could make me melt with just one look into his gorgeous eyes. Those deep, intense light blue/grey eyes of his could bring me to my knees.

Always

No I’m not lying; he made my breath catch in my throat, my heart to skip multiple beats, and my knees to grow weak.

He made everything in my world disappear. All of my worries would evaporate into thin air whenever I was with him.

Like right now for instance, the pouring rain wasn’t bothering me at all. I was perfectly content standing outside in the pouring rain as long as he was here with me.

With Tristan, nothing else in the world mattered.

Nothing.

You could say that I was probably falling in love with Tristan. But I would say that you were wrong, because I’m 100% utterly and completely in love with Tristan. I’m already so far gone in love with him that it’s not just a probability, it’s my reality.

I’ve been in love with him for months now even though I only just recently admitted it to myself

"So what brings you out in the rain today?" Tristan asked, breaking me out my temporary trance and back into the cold, rainy reality.

"Class duh."

Tristan laughed at me, “Of course. I don't think ANYONE would go out into the rain unless for class.”

I laughed quietly at him before looking into those eyes again, “So why are you out in the rain today?”

"So why are you out in the rain today?"

"Class duh."

"Stealing my line now are we?"

Tristan smiled his wonderful smile at me, “Well yeah maybe.”

All I could do was shake my head at him.

"So heading back to the dorm?"

"Nah thought I'd just walk around with an umbrella and heavy ass backpack for a while what do you think?"

Tristan cracked up laughing at me and my response. I savored the moments when I could make him laugh.

"Care if I join?"

My heart skipped multiple beats at his question and I had to keep from beaming.

"Not at all."

"Good cause I can't wait to get out of this rain."

I smiled up at Tristan.

"Same."

Tristan smiled at me, “Then let’s go.”

"Okay."

We started to walk across the street and towards our dorm building. It was still pouring out and Tristan didn't even have an umbrella of his own, or even a hat on.

So I held out my umbrella to cover us both.

"Here it's pouring."

Tristan looked at me, my umbrella, then back at me.

"It’s okay I'm good."

He tried to walk out from under my umbrella but I just followed him so he was still underneath of it.

"I don't care. You’re already soaked. Besides this umbrella's huge so there’s plenty of room."

Tristan sighed, “Alright.”

My breath caught in my throat has he moved in closer to me. We walked down the block like this. The two of us together underneath of my umbrella like we were a couple except that we weren’t. We were anything but.

I could die right now and I would die happy.

We walked in silence for a few before I broke the silence surrounding us.

"So what class did you just have?"

"English you?"

"Art History."

"Yuck."

"Oh I know."

"We had some yucky classes today didn't we?"

"You could say that again."

"We had some..."

I smacked him upside the head.

"Not literally"

We crossed the last street before reaching the entrance for our dorm building.

I took down my umbrella and pushed it shut.

When I turned around Tristan was waiting for me with his hand on the door. I couldn't help but smile. He smiled back at me and opened up the door for me.

I walked through the two doors and scanned my id before going over to check the mailbox while I waited for Tristan to scan his id.

After we stood waiting for the elevator. And as we stood there I couldn’t help but look up at him. But I shouldn’t have. I really, really shouldn’t have.

Because there on his neck was the faintest trace of a hickey he had, had for days now.

I felt my heart drop and my mood sink.

Tristan looked over at me and smiled.

I couldn't help but force a smile back even though I was slowly dying inside.

The elevator arrived and he let me get on first. It was only the two of us in it but I just couldn't be happy. For all I could see in my mind was that hickey that stood as a reminder of the parties he goes to and the girls he probably makes out with all the time. The girls who are nothing like me that he obviously prefers.

It was starting to get awkward so I had to say something.

"We should hang out later."

He smiled at me, “Hit me up.”

I smiled. Maybe there was still some hope out there that he might choose me.

We reached his floor and the elevators opened.

He turned to me and said, "Peace" before opening up his arms for a hug.

I obliged and hugged him. But oh how I wish we could've stayed like this forever. How I wish I could be his girl. How badly I wish that just once he would choose me.

We let go of each other and he walked off the elevator without a second look while I watched him go. I watched him walk away while fighting back tears.

I closed my eyes has the elevator doors closed blocking my view of him completely. Deep down inside I knew though.

He would never choose me.



Hearing someone knocking at the door brought me out of my flashback. I quickly wiped away the lone tear that had fallen down my cheek at the memory of that day with Tristan. The day that officially changed everything for me. It was hard to be around him from that day on so I eventually moved back home and started going to school there. Part of it was lack of money to be at that school but the other part was I just couldn’t bear to see him every day while trying to get over him.

He had been everything to me but I had been nothing to him.

We had kept in contact on and off since I left but we never really saw each other again. Last I heard he was at another art school and working to become a tattoo artist. I’ve thought about calling him up multiple times and seeing how he was doing but I never had the guts.

There was still a part of me that loved him and there always will be. Especially when I see the bright blue color of my godson’s eyes whenever he is smiling or laughing. I remember Tristan has he was then for my mind won’t let me fully let him go.

I reached the door just as another knock came on it. Quickly glancing behind me to make sure that my godson was still asleep before slowly unlocking and opening the door to see…

Tristan…

“Giselle?”

I stared in shock for a few minutes before snapping myself out of my stunned trance.

“Tristan?”

He smiled at me before nodding his head yes, “Yep it’s me Tristan!”

“What on earth are you doing here? How the hell did you even find me?”

Tristan just looked around before smiling slightly at me, “Um can I maybe come in to talk to you since it’s pouring outside and I’m already drenched.”

“Oh yeah sure, come in.”

I stood back to let Tristan in. Once he was inside he pulled his hat off and shook his curly brown hair out slightly spraying water everywhere. He took his duffel bag off and set it on the floor in the entryway while I just stared at him.

I had no idea how he had found me up here. Ever since I got the job to be an Addictions Counselor up at this retreat of sorts in the mountains I never thought anyone would find me here. This was my own personal get away and I loved every minute of it.

So how Tristan had managed to find me here was eluding me.

“So…how the hell did you find me up here?”

Tristan looked at me and smiled. He looked the same and yet he looked so different. He looked like he had seen a lot since I last saw him and yet he still looked so young and full of life.

“Oh well you know your one friend Ivy?”

“Yes what about her?”

“She told me where you were.”

“Woah wait! How did you get in contact with Ivy? And why did she tell you where I was?”

“I asked where you were.”

I took a step back to look at him fully. I was surprised that he had asked that when he never seemed to care before.

“Why…what…”

Tristan sighed before taking off his drenched coat and hanging it up on a hanger in the entryway, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately Giselle and I wanted to see hwo you were doing but no one had really heard or seen of you in a while so I found your friend, Ivy, and she told me you were up at a camp ever since your other best friend had passed away.”

“Ivy told you that?”

“Yes.”

“Well did she also tell you that I don’t really want people visiting then since I have my hands full up here.”

“No all she said was to go now before you found out that she had told me where you were and you were conveniently gone.”

I couldn’t help but let out a short laugh since that sounded like Ivy all right. Ivy was one of the few people who knew about what really happened to make me leave and come home. Ivy knew all about why I choose to just get away for a while. It was what I always did when things were tumbling down all over me. And here I was with the one thing I had been running and hiding from for so long now in front of me.

After one more look at Tristan I turned and headed into the kitchen to heat up my hot chocolate and get one ready for when my godson, Miles, woke up soon. The rain was still coming down hard and I couldn’t wait till I had something to do besides sit here awkwardly with the man I still care a lot for and love.

“Can I have one too?”

I jumped slightly before shrugging my shoulders and starting to make Tristan one also. It was then that Tristan noticed the sleeping boy on my couch.

“Oh woah I…I didn’t know you..had a kid.”

Glancing over at Tristan I saw the shock on his face, “No he’s not biologically me but in all other sense, yes he is mine.”

“Huh?”

“Ivy and I had another best friend who got cancer out of the blue and died a year or so later. It hit her suddenly and it showed no mercy. That’s her little boy that she left to me. I knew her longer and she knew I wouldn’t let anything happen to him so I got him. The dad isn’t in the picture and hasn’t been since he found out about him. Charmer he is.”

“So you’re all alone up here with a kid?”

“Mhmm and I love it. I love being away from everything and everyone.”

Tristan put his hand on my shoulder earning my attention. I turned to look at him with wide eyes while he stared down into mine.

“Why do you always run?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ivy said you were running again and when I asked her what she meant by that all she said was you ran when you left school and now you’re running again. She said you run and try to sort things out later.”

I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat before moving to put the kettle on for the hot water again.

“Yeah well so what if I’m running. Why the hell are you even here? It’s been years since I’ve heard from you and now you show up randomly. There has to be a reason.”

“There is.”

“Well?”

Tristan gazed into my dark brown eyes with his gorgeous blue/grey eyes before sighing and moving closer to me.

“I…I hit a major downfall earlier this year and I’ve been falling all over the place and something kept coming back to me. How you had just up and left and I didn’t hear from you for months and even then it was like you were keeping me at a distance. No one told me what had happened but I knew it had to have been something since you were gone. All I know is one day everything is great and the next you’re gone. I’ve tried to figure it out for years now and all I can think is that something happened that day we walked home in the pouring rain together. Something happened to make you leave after that and I want to know what it was. I want to know why you just left, I need to know.”

“You can’t handle it.”

“Try me.”

I sighed before pouring the now hot water into the different mugs, “You. It was always you and always will be you.”

“Wait…what?”

“You. That was what had happened. You had happened. You came into my life and nothing made sense after that. Nothing made any god damn sense but you never gave me a second look or a chance. You were all about your parties and your artwork and your other friends. I didn’t fit into the lifestyle and you obviously wanted nothing more than a friendship from me even though I was practically throwing myself at you in the end. So I did what I could, I ran. I got away so that I could get over you, so that I could clear you out of my head and move on. All I’ve ever done is try to move on past you and get over how I feel about you.”

“How do you feel about me?”

“God Tristan is that all you care about right now!?”

“Honestly? Yes right now it is because I have some strong ass feelings for you and I never thought you were good enough for me. So when Ivy pretty much hinted that you had run away because you like me a lot I knew I had to find you. I haven’t stopped caring about you Giselle but you seemed to want nothing more to do with me so I let you go but I can’t do that anymore. I can’t sit aside and let you go anymore because I’m dying not know how you are doing. I’m slowly falling apart without talking to you or seeing you. I can’t live without you and I know I don’t deserve you but no one compares to you. No one comes anywhere close to you. You are everything Giselle, everything.”

I stared at Tristan in shock before I grabbed the front of his wet hoodie and pulled him down to my level so I could press my lips against his.

I had wanted to do this for so many years now and was so glad I could now. He had taken me out of my misery and brought me back into him.

Our lips moved together perfectly while his arms came to wrap around my waist. My hands moved around his neck as he deepened the kiss.

Everything was falling into place now and I no longer felt the need to run. I no longer felt that I had to hide from everything in order to feel safe from my own past.

Everything was disappearing once again in his presence and I felt alive once again. All the hurt and pain had faded away and it was only just the two of us.

Tristan had chosen me all those years ago but was too scared to tell me. He hid it all so well while I ran away to escape how I felt. But now we were together and nothing else mattered. Everything was perfect now and nothing could tear this away from us.

Well except for when my godson, Miles, woke up and asked who I was sucking faces with.

But other than that it was a perfect moment.

Tristan was perfect and after all these years he still had a way of making me speechless.