Breakdown

The following day Jack and I found ourselves in school bright and early both moaning about what we felt was an unreasonable hour "Why did you let us stay up so late Jack?" I complained, pulling my arms above my head and I stretched my limbs. He shot a glare my way and brought a hand to his face to rub the sleep from his eye, yawing on the process.

"Yeah right, it's totally all my fault." his voice dripped with sarcasm as we walked down the still fairly empty halls towards the cafeteria to grab breakfast, though it had always been more an excuse to catch up with friends before class more than anything.

"I'm glad you agree." I shot back with a smirk, receiving a light punch in the arm and a mumbled 'shut up' causing me to laugh as we entered the cafeteria. I was attacked moments later with a squeezing hug and looked down to see dark sandy locks, "Hey Lisa, what have you been up to?" I said with a warm smile.

"Not much Gaskarth, where have you been hiding!" she asked pulling away, ever concerned about my well being despite the fact that I had broken up with her. Sure she'd hated me for a while, but I quickly grew tired of her give me glares constantly and missed our once great friendship, so I broke down and told her what made me do it. We'd been on better terms since and now she knew exactly one more thing about me than Jack did. It was the one thing I couldn't tell Jack, and I was glad when Lisa took the news well, it was good to have someone to confide in, also if she hadn't liked what she heard she could have easily run off and told Jack my secret as an act of revenge and I couldn't even imagine the awkward situation that would have brought up.

"Oh, you know, too cool for school and all that." I responded easily, when the truth was I either had too bad of a hang over, or I was caught up at Oli's and couldn't make it to school the better half of last week. At this Lisa let out a sarcastic laugh, because she knew where I'd been, and she didn't like it at all. Lisa, like pretty much everyone else I knew, didn't approve of my relationship with Oli, and had come very close to getting me to break it off with him more than once, even offering to do it herself. I didn't know why I didn't just listen to her, I knew everything she told me was right, her thinking was so logical it was stupid of me not to take her advice, but when the time came my doubts and insecurities always outweighed her logic and I never went through with the breakup. I couldn't, just couldn't.

I felt her slender arms wrap around my waist and she led me over to the table were several of our friends were sitting, though some had decided I was a lost cause in the friend department and never made any attempt to communicate with me anymore. I didn't blame them, I kind of sucked. We all three sat at the table, Jack and Lisa on either side of me, and I found myself face to face with Rian, but noticed he wasn't looking at me, instead at the girl beside him, he was looking at her with the brightest smile on his face, and I found it to be contagious, feeling a small smile form on my own lips.

"Hey Rian." I greeted giving the boy a wave when he glanced my way, watching as he swiveled quickly in his seat to face me with the large grin still plastered on his face.

"Hey dude! I missed your face!" he said, making me laugh "I've been wanting to introduce you to someone." he added, and I nodded quietly, prompting him to continue. He leaned back in his chair slightly, gesturing his arms around the girl next to him "This is Cassadee," he said brightly, and I could tell he was dying to let the rest of the sentence out, "She's my girlfriend."

I felt my face pull into a full grin and I looked between the two for a moment before settling my eyes on Cassadee "It great to meet you Cassadee, and don't tell him I told you this, but I think Rian might like you a little bit." at this, Cassadee laughed, and Rian leaned over the table to slap my arm in mock anger.

"Oh my god! I can't believe you told her!" Rian exclaimed dramatically throwing a hand over his eyes and letting his jaw hang slack, causing Cassadee to giggle, "You're so bad at keeping secrets, I'll never trust you again!" he continued, dropping his hand and lifting himself up leaning over half the table, using his arms to hold himself up "You're so not invited to my slumber party." he said, his face dead serious as he stared at me.

There was a brief second of silence before we all burst out laughing grabbing our sides as they started aching from the effort. Friendship had always come easy with Rian, he was an easy to like kind of guy. We had the whole table staring at us from our shenanigans, and it took us longer than it should have to let our laughter die down. When we finally calmed ourselves enough to speak again, Cassadee pipped up "Oh by the way, you can just call me Cass if you want, Cassadee's a mouthful." she said with a grin and I nodded with an answering smile of my own.

A few others joined in our conversation then, the ones that were still willing to talk to me, which were Matt, Vinny and Zack, and the rest of the table looked at the eight of us like we were some kind of mutant, or maybe they all just thought that Jack, Lisa, Rian, Zack, Matt, Vinny and Cass were crazy to still talk to me. Sometimes I thought that too. All too soon it was time for class and we all trudged off in our various directions, I was walking with Vinny and Lisa as we all had first period Pre-Calc, which is the absolute worst period for math by the way, I always found it hard to focus when I just wanted to go back to bed. The class was long and boring as always, and I was only kept awake by Lisa behind me, giving my occasional kicks every time she saw my head start to drop.

By the end of class my leg was feeling a bit sore, and I had learned absolutely nothing. Which meant Matt would have to go through it all with me again, thankfully he never seemed to mind doing so. I headed out the door and was greeted by a waiting Jack, ready to walk to our next class, or rather study hall, about this I felt very similar to my math class, strong dislike, having study hall second meant not wanting to do your homework at home the night you receive it, then almost never getting it all done with in the span of the class period, or maybe it was all just me. The world may never know. Me and Jack bantered nonsense back and forth down the hall, and then we were entering the study hall and being shushed by the supervisor, I refused to refer to her as a teacher, as she did no such thing.

We sat at two side by side unoccupied seats, and though I wanted to continue my conversation with Jack, the moment I sat down I heard a nap calling my name, and Jack looked to be in the same boat as me, we'd stayed up so late that we'd barely gotten two hours of sleep. I watched Jack out of the corner of my eye as he settled himself into his desk, and I moved to do the same. However once my eyes were closed my mind decided to run a mile a minute and I groaned internally at myself, lifting my head and turning it towards Jack before settling it back on my arms, watching the slow even breathing of my bestfriend. I thought back to the way we were before Oli, constantly together, practically joined at the hip, and affection on a level that was not normal for a simple friendship. Now, even though we still spent a lot of time together, it didn't feel the same, at one time we could be found curled into each other watching a movie, now we kept at a respectable distance, more the likes what a friendship was supposed be like.

I hated it though, constantly yearning to close the gaps the now sat between us, though I was sure Jack didn't return the sentiment, especially not anymore. We had been beginning to drift, the past few days was the first time we'd spent any serious time together, and I was starting to think Jack hated me, not that I would blame him. Still I was panicking about our friendship, fully aware it was hanging by a thin thread, and my antics had been the equivalent of taking the sting and tugging it over and over waiting for it to break. The morning after my last escapade, I thought that it had broke, the way Jack had spoken, like he was ready to just stop everything. I know what I'm doing is hurting him, but I just can't seem to stop, and I hated myself for it.

I didn't blame Oli for Jack and I's deteriorating friendship, though to any sane person, Jack for example, would blame the older boy for everything 100 percent. I couldn't though, because it wasn't his fault really, our relationship had made everything much worse yes, but it wasn't the start of our problems, it was a reaction it, and unfortunately my original intent backfired and I was stuck in a hole from which I felt I would never escape. Before I could think myself to death, my thoughts were interrupted by the bell, startling me and making me jump a bit. I sat up straight and noticed Jack was still out.

I stood and leaned over him shaking his shoulder as I brought my lips near his ear speaking softly "Jack, Jack wake up it's time to go." he finally stirred, his head slowly lifting to look at me. My throat closed up as I held in a gasp at our sudden closeness, trying my hardest to keep a neutral face. Jack smiled lazily at me, and I smiled sheepishly back at him as he stretched his limbs and shuffled out of his seat.

"You okay Lex?" he asked, his voice slightly raspy from sleep.I gulped down and nodded my head, hoping he would accept that as a suitable answer. Thankful Jack didn't seem in the mood to pry, so he shrugged his shoulders and we set off to our next classes. The rest of that day dragged slowly until after a millennium the final bell sounded and every one scrambled from their seats to the door. I moved slowly behind the crowd, sure I was ready to leave as well, but I wasn't a fan of being smothered between a horde of teenagers.

I met with Jack near his locker, swinging around to the side opposite of the door and leaning against the neighboring locker, "Wanna come over? You could stay at mine longer than I could stay at yours." It was true, I had to be sure to be out by the time Mr. and Mrs. Barakat made it home, where as my parents had no reason to dislike Jack, so he was welcome as long as he wanted, when they were even around to say so anyways.

"I can't, I've been given specific instructions by my parents of things to do around the house or I'll I won't being going anywhere ever again." Jack said, and though I knew he was being slightly over dramatic, I could tell he was telling the truth.

"Well then, I'll come help you, then we can go to my house." I said simply, knowing Jack couldn't refuse. He smiled and gave me an okay and we quickly found ourselves on our way to his house.

~~~

It turned out there was a lot more chores than I was expecting, and we had to work our asses off to even have any hope of getting them done and leaving for my place before Jack's parents got home. We had finally finished all but one thing, raking leaves, and we were heading out towards the shed which held the rakes and large trash bags we would need. I checked my phone to see how much time we had to get the final task completed.

"Okay Jack, we have an hour left, lets get this done." I said, shoving my phone back into my phone and grabbing the rake Jack held out to me. He nodded and agreement and we went back out into the yard and started on large amount of leaves covering Jack's lawn. "You take the left, I'll take the right?" I asked relieving a 'Yeah okay,' as Jack wandered towards the leftmost side of the yard, setting the rake to the grass and beginning to gather the leaves. I took to my end and followed Jack actions and we quickly ended up with a large pile of leaves in the center of the lawn.

I stood looking at the quite large pile for moment, impressed by how fast Jack and I had managed to rake them all up, now all we had to do was get them in the garbage bags and make a break for it. I kept my eye on the pile for another moment and then began turning to grab a bag and start shoveling it all in. But before I even had a chance to fully turn I felt something slam into my side and then I was falling, and I most definitely did not scream. As I landed awkwardly in the pile I saw leaves billowing out around me and heard Jack laughing wildly, and the sound was much closer than I expected. I looked down to find the younger boy with his arms still wrapped around my waist, his eyes closed and his mouth formed in the biggest smile as he shook with laughter. I smirked and grabbed his shoulders, rolling us so he was now getting covered in leaves as I had. He let out a halfhearted whine but it didn't last and soon he was laughing again, and I was too.

We shoved each other around in the leaves for the longest time until we heard a voice cut through our laughter and jestful comments back and forth to one another "Jack?" the voice asked first and we both froze, me hovering over jack, my legs straddling his waist, with Jack gripping my wrist, holding my back at arms length, surrounded by crushed leaves. "What is he doing here Jack?" his mother asked and I heard him suck in a sharp breath at her tone, she sounded shocked, like she couldn't believe Jack would break their rule against my presence.

I scrambled off of Jack and stood up, my eyes drifting to the ground and I played with the sleeves of my jacket, as I waited to be told off and kicked out, and for Jack to be yelled at for letting such a fuck up to continue to be part of his life. I heard Jack stand up as well and then he was talking "Alex," he stressed my name, referring to the fact Joyce had only said 'him' instead of my name "Wanted to help me with my chores mom. I know you can't believe were really just stopped being friends because you told me to. We're still bestfriends, and you can't change that. Nothing can."

I was looking at Jack now, watching him as he spoke, the way his Adam's Apple bobbed, how his lips moved, and admiring his silhouette in the porch light that was illuminating the now darkened yard. His words echoed around in my mind, haunting me, that was the problem wasn't it? Nothing could change our friendship, and I had wanted to, still wanted to even, where obviously Jack didn't. I tipped the balance, and fucked everything up in the process, you can't be just friends, even best friends, with someone you loved the way I loved Jack, it just left everything broken.

Jack looked back at me then, and I could make out his features well enough in the dim light to see that he was giving me a reassuring smile. I tried to smile back at him, but I found myself unable to even form a small fake smile for his sake. His smile dropped as he looked at me, seeing the sadness I was emitting, and it only made me feel worse, now I was hurting him again. Suddenly Jack turned away from me, facing his mother again, gesturing one of his arms back towards me.

"Don't you see what you're doing? He thinks you both hate him!" Jack yelled towards his mother, and I shrunk away from the sound. I didn't want Jack to defend me, I didn't deserve to be protected. I watched Jack's mother as she looked taken aback, probably about to tell Jack he'd lost his mind, and of course they hated me, how could they not? I was just some pill popping underage drinking kid with an abusive boyfriend, a far cry from the Alex they knew and loved like one of their own. I folded in on myself wanting to tune out the verbal abuse I knew was coming, and just go home.

"Alex," Joyce said with a sigh, causing me to look at her, "Alex, we don't hate you, I don't think we could ever hate you. We're just disappointed and afraid you'd influence Jack in a negative way, and we took it out on you the wrong way, I'm sorry." she ended with a small smile, and I gave her a smile back, edging slightly closer to Jack now that I knew my head wouldn't be ripped off for doing so.

"It's okay Mrs. Barakat," I said, deciding to hold back on saying I wouldn't blame her for hating me, in case she changed her mind, "I'm sorry too." and I was, sorry I had ever gotten myself into this situation. All because I overreacted over something that I had no control over anyways, but no matter how much I wished it could change I knew it was far too late now.

We stood in silence for a while, none of us really knowing what to say, before Jack leaned towards my and wrapped and arm around my waist, leading me towards the door, pausing where his mother was still standing when she rested a hand on his shoulder, "Why don't you two head upstairs and work on your homework, I'll make some dinner." we both nodded eagerly at this and rushed upstairs to Jack room, and we did try to make a dent in our homework, though Jack only got about half way through, and I got even less done, because my mind was suddenly filled with lyrics and I found my self scribbling those on my notebook instead writing down answers like I should have been. Mrs. Barakat brought the food up to us and we stated our gratitude before digging in, and bringing our dished and trash down after we had finished.

It had grown pretty late and both Jack and I were worn out from all the work we'd done around the house, so we headed back into his room for bed. I pulled out the extra mattress from underneath Jack's bed and stole a pair of sweats from his dresser. He headed into the bathroom across the hall to take a shower, and I decided to change and lie down and shower in the morning. Settling myself in the mattress, I pulled the covers into the chin and curled into the fetal position as was my habit and let my self start to drift off, but I was interrupted once Jack came back into the room. Not at first, as he'd padded in quietly and crawled into his bed without a word, but soon he'd spoken up "Lex, you know you're gonna crawl up here in your sleep so you might as well get up here now."

I felt a large grin consume my face as I threw the covers aside and climbed up into Jack's bed and snuggled in beside him. I let out a content sigh as we settled in next to each other, not cuddling like I wanted, but we were sleeping in the same bed again so it's a start. I let my thoughts wander with free reign, which was rare as it always took a dark turn, but my head wasn't in a bad place tonight. Jack's house was no longer a hostile environment and that made me feel warm inside, so instead my thoughts turned to what my life would be in a perfect world. After a while I felt Jack's arm reach out and wrap around me, pulling me closer to him, and I took the opportunity to settle into his torso, letting my eyes flutter close as my head settled on his chest, and then my mind was calm.