Don't Walk Away Now

He left again. He always left. Tommy was just a child in a twenty seven year old body. He was fragile. He was lost. He was stubborn. It had been three hours and my third cup of tea. I hardly drank coffee anymore, since Tommy hated it. It reminded him of his father and his struggling sobriety. Everything was stupid or pointless to Tommy. Asking him to try was like asking him for a kidney. It was “a waste of time”. I have never felt more physically and mentally ill in my life.
But I loved him. I loved him harder than I’ve ever loved another human being. I tried to say it once in a while, but he would freeze; his smile would drop, his eyes widen, his jaw would clench, and he would tighten his fists. To Tommy, the idea of love was somebody pouring acid down his body. A fear. A horrible, ungodly experience.
He stalked out of our house, said the word “Colt’s”, and left. The gym closed at eleven, and he wouldn’t be back until four, sometimes five in the morning. I knew what he was doing. He was drinking. He was numbing his forever pain, caused by the unfair losses in his life. He blamed himself. I don’t know why. I tried to talk to him, but as usual, it ended in a fight.
“You don’t know anything.”
“You weren’t there.”
“You’re in over your head.”
“Stop prying into my business.”
“I’ve seen more than you could imagine.”
I always let him go. I knew not to follow him when he was heated. I tried to play the sympathetic girlfriend role, but that never seemed appealing to Tommy. Tommy didn’t need sympathy – he needed a fight. However, I always lost. I may have gotten my points in, but I was the one who went to bed alone that night, and did it all again the next day.
Brendan’s warned me. Told me the same things Tommy has. To stay away, he is too damaged. Brendan doesn’t want me hurt, neither does Tommy. That’s really hard to ignore when I’ve been in love with the youngest Conlon brother since middle school; before he left with his mother. When Tommy came back, he was a different person. Still guarded, but more ferocious. Thirteen years, and he still had that baby face that I saw so clearly in my dreams. When I saw he was training at the gym I worked at, I prayed that he would at least attempt something – anything with me.
Talking here and there was all he gave me, but when he competed in Sparta, that’s when it came together. Dinner once in a while, long drives, spending the night at each other’s house. That was enough for both of us. However, after dating for a year, I still had as much of a clue as someone who didn’t even know who Tommy was. It was painful. It was suffering.
That was going to change. The second I laid eyes on him, I had to lay down the law. Enough was enough.
Just as I put my mug in the sink, the front door to mine and Tommy’s home opened. Low and behold, there he was, trying not to tip over as he shrugged his jacket off and swiped his black beanie cap off of his head, his soft hair flopping back on his head gently. I stood in the archway of the kitchen, my arms by my side, waiting for his recognition.
He turned, letting out a few grunts and rumbles, and got halfway through the living room when he noticed me. Stopping dead in his tracks, his glossy, red eyes met my tired ones. He had been crying. His face was stained with tears, and he could not stop sniffling every few seconds. He tried standing up straight, but due to the Irish whiskey running through his system, standing seemed to be the most difficult task in the world for him. I met him halfway as he kept still.
“Tommy.”
“Why are you still up, Michelle?”
I kept my eyes on him as he was struggling to hold his eyes open. I wasn’t going to let this go. This was my life, too; not just his anymore.
“Waiting for you.”
Tommy shook his head, rolling his eyes and running his hand under his nose, sniffling in the process.
“Why? You know you need to sleep. Stop worrying about me.”
I looked down in pain. His words were filled with anger, and yet, I literally did nothing to this man whom I loved. He turned to head up the stairs, and I just shook my head to myself.
“What did I do?”
Tommy stopped on the third step, and peered at me over the banister.
“What? What are you talkin’-“
“Tommy, please. If I did anything, you have to tell me.”
He kept his cold stare on me, then after a long sigh, he met me halfway in the living room again, clumsily shoving his hands in his jeans pockets.
“If you’re talking about something specific, then you need to enlighten me, cause I got no idea what you’re getting upset about.”
It was my turn to roll my eyes.
“Why do you think I don’t love you?”
That made him sober up a bit. He narrowed his eyes at me, then went to turn, but stopped.
“Because you stay up all night just to yell at me and treat me like a child.”
“No, Tommy. I do that because I love you. That’s what I do because I care about you.”
He let out an exasperated sigh, and turned around fully to head up the stairs.
“If you leave this conversation now and walk away, this is going to start another war. You know that, Tommy.”
He stopped again, and was no next to the stairs.
“Is that what you want? Cause if it’s not, this waiting up on me act is getting real old.”
I approached him, looking him in his grey eyes that I could get lost in. Not tonight, though. This was what I stayed up for.
“What makes you think that? You keep me in the dark, Tommy, and when I try to talk to you or help you, you leave! How do you think that makes me feel? You know, for someone who fought for this country and took care of your best friend’s family, you really are so fuckin’ selfish.”
I said the last part quietly, unsure of that being the right thing to say. It woke him up a bit more.
“Who are you to talk about shit like that, Michelle? What makes you think I need help?!”
“Because you obviously do! I tell you all the time that I want you to talk to me and let me in, and all I get is a shake of the head or another roll of your goddamn eyes! What if I did that to you?! You’d be furious and frustrated!”
He backed up a bit, putting a hand over his head, rubbing his hair down. He attempted to walk up the stairs, and stopped a third time; this time, he thundered down the old, squeaky stairs, our noses barely touching and his voice dangerously quiet.
“You don’t fucking know me, Michelle. You don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know how I feel, and there’s a reason for that! If I laid all of my shit business onto you, you wouldn’t even think twice about how fucked up I really am. Why the fuck do you even bother?! Why are you so desperate to help my broken life, when you just said a minute ago that I’m selfish? I’ll tell you why. Because you need to feel important; you have this need to help me as if I have a fuckin’ sign on my back! If I needed help, I would’ve asked for it!”
I tried so hard not to cry in front of him. I should’ve waited until the morning to talk to him. He made me feel like this almost all of the time, but here I was, still in our house, and my heart still aching. It was too late now. I started this, so I’m going to finish it. With a tear slipping from my eyes and a quiet sniffle, I got in his face even harder.
“I bother because you are fucked up, Tommy! I want to fix these things because I want to be with you! I want to do things in my life with you by my side, and I can’t do that if you’re hooked on to the goddamn past that your family has tried to repair! I try so hard, and I’m tired, Tommy! Emotionally, physically, and mentally! You think the whole world is against you because you lost people. Well, you know what?! We all have! I’ve lost my mother, too, so what makes you so fuckin’ special that you think you can treat people, especially me, like this just because you’re hurting?! If you just talked to me and let me know you’re okay, than it wouldn’t be like this! You think I stay up to yell at you because I don’t care?! How dare you say that when you know that I’ve been there with you through almost everything and apart from your family, no one cares more than I do!”
At this point, the tears on my face were apparent. And Tommy – Tommy just stood there. A loss for words, which wasn’t hard to come by. He wasn’t much of talker, even when we were kids. And yet, in his drunken stupor, he seemed to welcome in the words from his brain and out his mouth.
“You know what? You’re just like Brendan and Pop. They’re still in my business and trying to solve my issues to make up for their mistakes. For what they’ve done in the past. So now it’s my turn to ask the question; what makes you so fuckin’ special, Michelle, huh? You know I go to the bar after the gym, and don’t come in until five. So why are you still here? What gives you the right to throw me under your interrogation bulb? You’re not my mother, and you’re not my wife.”
He was deathly quiet, but by his shaking arms, I knew he wasn’t calm. He bit his bottom lip, I habit that he always had when he was tense. I looked into his eyes, and sniffled, the tears still falling gracefully down my pain stricken, tired face.
“Because I’ve never hurt you. I never did anything to deserve this. If you think you’re doing what you do every night to make yourself feel better, than I feel really sorry for you. You think that shit really makes you better? You grew up around it, Tommy. You know these things. You’re one of the smartest people I know, but you’re being really fuckin’ stupid.”
I paused and shook my head, holding my hands up in a surrender manner.
“You know what? If you think I’m too dumb or foolish to be dealt with, than you can leave. I don’t want you to, but if it’s what you want, I’m not going to stop you. If you wanna be like your old man and do what just makes you happy, than be my guest, because maybe I’m tired of dealing with your dumb and foolish self. Just know that you’re not the only one in this room that’s hurting.”
I turned and walked into the kitchen. I stopped at the sink, and took a deep breath, looking out of the window that revealed the backyard. The one picnic table, the one grill, and the four chairs along a silver, short chain link fence. It was then I realized that I’ve never left Pittsburg. I always had everything here. Family, friends, school…Tommy. Everything that I ever wanted was already here. Right in front of my face. Maybe Pittsburg really was the shit hole that my father always claimed it to be.
I heard Tommy’s footsteps, and the front door shut. I closed my eyes, and sunk down to the floor, a sob escaping my lips. My hands covered my mouth, both sadness and shock engulfing my body as the cold floor tiles stung my legs. I knew Tommy would be an emotional handful, but I never knew it would hurt this much. I would’ve thought a lot harder about being his girlfriend, or moving in with him instead of jumping the gun.
The clock on the wall read five fifty eight, and I had to be at work at eight, an hour after the gym opened. Tommy probably wouldn’t show up, but maybe that was the best.

Everything was a daze. The meatheads coming in and out every few hours and saying “good morning” or “see ya later”. All I could do was nod or give a friendly smile, which quickly wiped itself away when the person was out of sight. Colt appeared from his office upstairs and headed down to the ring, telling some guy to watch his kicks and cover up when he was struck. I barely heard his footsteps as he came from beside me.
“Hey, Michelle. How are ya this morning?”
I didn’t look up. I kept staring at the front desk top’s keyboard, my mind a constant rerun of last night. Colt seemed to noticed because he asked me if I was okay.
“Yeah, yeah, just tired. Didn’t sleep well last night.”
I expected him to shrug me off and walk away, but after looking back at the ring for a second, he leaned on the counter next to me, and let out a sigh.
“What happened now?”
I just shook my head. It wasn’t right to air my business to anyone, especially my boss, Colt Boyd, whom I’ve known since I was thirteen. However, I had to give Colt some credit; he was an amazing listener, and he wasn’t a gossip queen.
“The same that always happens. He’s angry and I’m, apparently, wasting my time to a lost cause.”
Colt took my information in and let out another sigh, his hand running over his face. He fiddled with his cap for a second, then looked at me.
“I think everything will be okay. It always is with you guys, you know?”
I shook my head slowly, sniffling, not wanting to cry in front of Colt. I’ve been through enough as it is. I needed to continue my tough chick reputation at the gym.
“For once, Colt, I think you’re wrong. It was pretty bad last night. Usually we just go to bed and talk about it in the morning, but this time, he left and I haven’t seen him since.”
Colt just stared at me and patted my hand with his.
“He’ll come around, Michelle. He always does. Just a hard head, that’s all.”
I nodded at his kind words, but knew he was wrong this time. This time, it was bad. I never really fought back with him. He always said what he wanted to say, and that was the end of it. He wasn’t abusive; in fact, Tommy never laid a hand on me since I’ve known him. He was just hurtful. He thought that since his mother and best friend were dead, that no one in the world could ever care about him. I knew that I shouldn’t have attacked him like that, but I couldn’t baby him either. He was a big boy and needed to face his past, no matter how painful it was.
I finally got home, and the second I shut my car door, I looked up to the small stoop. There was Tommy. His head was down, but rose when I started walking. I stopped just before the front step, leaving some room between us. I held my sweatshirt tighter to my body, the October air in Pittsburg getting harsher every day.
It seemed like we were staring at each other for hours until I said something.
“Where did you go?”
He let out a breath that he was holding since I pulled up, and kept his eye contact.
“Pop’s.”
“How was that?”
I didn’t realize how quiet my voice got, but I knew I had to approach this situation delicately. That was something familiar. Most of the conversations I had with Tommy, I was walking on eggshells.
“We talked. Nothing special.”
I let that moment to correct him slip by, not wanting anything to erupt. I let out a breath, and ran my hand through my hair. I felt a little proud of him that he actually tried something. That I actually got through to him and for once, he listened.
“Michelle. I…uh…I’m sorry about last night.”
I felt the tears already coming on. This man made my emotions run rampant, and there was nothing I could do about it. Whether happy or sad tears, I still don’t know, but for some reason, his apology did make me feel better. He decided to continue, now looking at his intertwined hands resting on his lap.
“I know you’re trying to help. Maybe you know more about me than I think, and I should’ve realized that by now. I’ve been selfish and it’s still hard for me to grasp that I not only have to take care of myself anymore, but of you, too. I’m not used to sharing my life.”
“Obviously.”
He let out a small smile, which I was grateful for, but it was short lived. He got up from the steps, and approached me, and I met him halfway. He placed his forehead against mine, and I closed my eyes in realization. This was Tommy Conlon- my boyfriend whom I loved dearly. My fucked up Tommy. My life.
“I’m sorry I walked out last night. Both times.”
I opened my eyes, a tear falling freely from my eye. I bit my lip, and kept a sob in. It all hit me so hard all at once, and the only thing I could think to do was nod at him, and place my hand on his cheek that was decorated lightly with stubble.
“I just want you to be okay, Tommy. I never want to hurt you or make you feel inadequate for anything. You’re the best thing in my life and if you’re not happy or okay, than I’m not.”
Tommy just looked into my eyes, and placed a soft kiss on my lips. I reciprocated and waited for a response. After a few silent moments, it came.
“Things are going to change, Michelle. Because I love you.”
My heart almost stopped. In the many years I’ve known him, and the year we have dated, not once has he said that to me. That moment was here, and that was one thing I wouldn’t let slip by me, even in the freezing autumn air on our front porch.
“I love you, too, Tommy. So, so much.”
He gave me a small smile, and kissed my lips again. I placed my hands on his warm neck as his rested on my hips.
He could’ve said that to me a week ago, and I would’ve that either him or I was crazy. Tommy Riordan doesn’t love anything besides fighting. Now I can think at night in peace while his arms are wrapped around me as I absentmindedly trace his tattoos that litter his skin, knowing that he loves me and is happy to admit it.
He broke from me, and places hair behind my ears as the chilly air started getting windier. He pecked my forehead, and caressed my face with one hand.
“Let’s go inside, huh? I need to show you something.”
He took my hand and led me inside. Up the stairs, into the bedroom, and under the sheets.
It was slow, calculated, and the first love making experience of my life. Sex with Tommy was usually hard and fast. It was to get us both off as soon as possible. But this was different. This was him showing me that he has loved me this whole time, but is still a scared little boy, unsure of his surroundings and what to make of them. He was gentle, and he was sweet. The way I remembered Tommy before he left with his mother thirteen years ago.
He stayed above me when we had both finished, and our eyes continued to lock with each other’s. He kissed my lips, and nuzzled his face into my neck. He pulled out of me, and I suddenly felt empty. He immediately wrapped me in his arms so we were facing each other.
“Thank you.”
I looked at him, my hands running up his warm, sweaty, bare chest. I furrowed my brows in confusion.
“For what?”
He kissed my forehead and rubbed my shoulders as he held me closer.
“For this. Right now. For being here, and not walking away.”
“I don’t do that to people I love.”
Tommy looked at me after tearing his eyes from the ceiling, and gave me another small smile. Our lips met again, and he pulled the blankets up. As my eyes started to shut, I knew tomorrow was going to be different. I was almost giddy with excitement, desperate to see what tomorrow was going to bring. We’d have to work on a lot; tomorrow’s not going to be a whole new life altogether. There were a lot of nooks and crannies that had to be prepared, and Tommy was ready. I was ready.