I Don't Do Lonely Well

“It’s just, the older we’re getting, the harder this relationship is getting,” I confess to Grace as we take our break at the bar. She nods and thinks for a moment.
“The older you get, the more there is to deal with,” she responds. “What’s the fight about this time?”
“You know how Blake smokes?” She scrunches her face up and nods. “Well…I started to.”
Her jaw drops. “What! Virginia, that’s illegal! Alex has every right to be upset with you.”
“Okay, but leaving like that? It’s unnecessary.”
“I probably would have done the same thing. You didn’t tell him about Jordan until today. You’ve been dating for like three years, and you don’t trust him.”
“I do trust him,” I object.
“You said yesterday that you haven’t had sex in two weeks. Why?”
“We’ve both been really busy.”
“Bull shit!” Grace calls me out, crossing her arms over her chest.
I sigh and glance down. “We had a pregnancy scare, and I’ve been terrified since.” I look up at Grace, and her mouth is parted slightly in shock.
“Holy shit. How much sex to you two have?”
“Enough.”
Her lips tug into a smirk. “Is he good?”
“Grace!”
“What? Look, I know Alex is your best friend, and that’s how it should be. But don’t you want a close girlfriend in case you need advice? Not that Jack isn’t close enough to a girlfriend…”
“You still talk to Jack?”
She nods. “All the time.”
“Wow.”
“I just want you to know that I’m here for you to have stupid, girly conversations with.”
I smile a little. “Thank you, Grace. I could actually really use a friend like you. Ever since Rachel completely stabbed me in the back…”
“Jack told me about that, too.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Are you two dating?”
She lets out a laugh. “ I wish!” She shrugs and glances at her phone, smiling for a second. “Anyways, Alex. Is he good?”
I bite my lip and nod. “You’ve no idea.” We share a giggle, and it feels really good to have a connection like this with someone other than Rachel.

I walk into my apartment. “Hey,” Alex greets tiredly, looking up from his opened computer.
I jump a little in surprise. “Hey…what are you doing here?” He rubs his red eyes.
“I wanted to talk. I feel bad about how I left earlier, but you kind of came home later than I expected.”
“Grace and I grabbed some late night pizza downtown.” Alex raises his eyebrows as if he doesn’t believe me. “I actually did. We had a really long talk about basically everything, and I wanted to apologize to you about the way I’ve been acting lately, some of the things I’ve been doing, and about being really…” I pause to think of the word. “Conservative.”
Alex lets out a laugh and rises from the table. “That’s the least of my worries right now. I’m really worried about you.” He slides his hands into mine. I hear a bedroom door open and watch Cody walk across the hall to the bathroom.
“I’m okay,” I tell him, turning my attention back to his face. He frowns. “I had a really long talk with Grace, and I feel better. She brought up a really good point in that you’re my best friend, but I still need that girlfriend I had in Rachel.”
Alex nods. “You really haven’t been the same without her.”
“But I don’t want to be around her. Grace, on the other hand…” He looks happier about the idea. “And we can try to set her up with Jack.”
He lets out a laugh. “Yeah, but we can plan for that later. Or we can let Jack be a big boy and do it himself.”
“Does he like her?”
“He’s pretty torn right now.” I laugh and shake my head. “Babe.” I stop at the tone of Alex’s voice. “I am, too.” I feel my eyebrows furrow in confusion. “I love you more than anything, but I can’t be with someone who…” He pauses to think for a moment.
“I’ll stop,” I promise him immediately. He doesn’t answer me right away. “Alex?”
“I’m not making you happy anymore, Virginia.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“You started smoking, self-inflicting, we barely even touch anymore…especially in the past two weeks.”
I shake my head in refusal. “Alex, stop.”
“It’s really clear to me. There’s nothing more I want for you than to be happy, and if I’m not part of that, so be it.”
“No, stop talking.” I let go of his hands.
“See what I mean?” He gestures out to the way I’ve retreated from him. I feel my throat burning and eyes filling with tears. “Are you still in love with me?”
“Of course I am, Alex.”
“Then why don’t I believe you?”
I throw my hands down at my sides in frustration. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I’ve poured my heart out, telling you I want to spend my life with you, and for a guy with little commitment, that’s a huge step for me. I’m just not sure you feel the same.”
“Just because I haven’t verbalized it?” Alex shrugs.
“You haven’t really verbalized a lot lately, and I can’t read your mind.” I purse my lips and blink a few times to swallow the tears. “Do you want to spend your life with me?”
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.
Alex just nods sadly. “I get it. I was just the rebound you fell for a little too hard, and now that Jordan’s come back into your life—“
“That’s not even close, Alex.”
“Really? I wasn’t a rebound?”
“You were still dating Danielle when we met.”
“No, we were still hooking up when I met you.”
“Because that’s so different than dating her,” I remark. Alex rolls his eyes.
“I didn’t love her like I love you. I didn’t even love her. She was just really good in bed.”
I scoff. “Perfect. That went on for six years, and this has only been going on three. So, there’s a great chance I could be your new Danielle.”
“Are you fucking kidding?” He runs a frustrated hand through his hair before grabbing his jacket and digging through the pocket. He pulls something out and sets roughly it on the table. “I’m going home, but feel free to call me when you realize I’m actually serious about us.” He starts towards the door and pauses. “Actually, call me if you feel the same way.”
He leaves with a slam of the door, and I bite my lip as I stare at the door for a moment. My eyes fall on the small black box sitting on the kitchen table, and I pick it up curiously and open the lid.
Immediately, my hand clasps over my mouth and tears begin streaming down my face.
I’m not sure nor will I ever be sure of how he felt about Danielle, even if he claims that he hung around for the hookups and that he didn’t care. Just like he’ll never be sure of how I felt or how I feel about Jordan. I’m not sure of the thoughts that run through his head when he sees me or Danielle or the other beautiful women that he could be with instead of me.
I am sure, however, that I’m the only girl he’s bought a diamond ring for.