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The Little Common Word
Sebastian
It’s weird; I’m the type of guy who doesn’t fall in love. So when this opportunity comes around, I live in it. Sometimes, I don’t know how to act towards it. I mostly make the other person make the moves, I don’t want to creep the other person out. Sometimes, I sit in my room and just think. I turn off all the lights, lay in my bed, and stare at the ceiling. It scares me sometimes. It scares Tony too. I tell him not to worry about me and that I’m just thinking things over in my head. It’s hard sometimes to see him now. Before I shot myself, we were happy and giggly. Now, he’s more aware and doesn’t do things like we use to. Making love is even different. Now we feel like we have to just to keep the connection. I don’t even consider it sex. Yeah, we do what every gay guy does, but, I don’t feel the love in there anymore.
He asks me how I was doing. We began talking about our sex life.
“Do you even feel anything when we have sex?” I ask nervously.
“Well, yeah I feel a lot of things.” He says sarcastically.
“No, not physically, I mean, emotionally.” I couldn’t help but my smile at his wit.
“Of course, why?” he looks scared, like I’m going to break up with him or something.
“Just, lately I’ve felt like you only need to have sex with me because you have to. I’m probably being stupid about it.” I say.
“Yes, you are Sebastian. I love you, believe me, if I didn’t I would let you know right off the bat.” He says. He seems pretty honest. So I can’t help but trust him. Maybe I am over analyzing this situation.
I continue cleaning the kitchen. Tony spent the night again and we always make a mess when he sleeps over. I want to ask him to move in. I don’t know how to though. I’m afraid he’ll laugh at me and run off. I don’t know if he’s looking for anything serious. I know what you’re thinking. Of course he is! He’s sleeping with you and is saying he loves you! I know that, but do you know the real reason I feel like he isn’t? Whenever I ask him if he is, he changes the subject. I asked him last week if he was interested in a serious relationship, he simply said “I don’t know” and went on talking about his bitch mom. It makes me so irritated. But I can’t stay mad at him. He knows exactly what to say to make me feel like he truly does love me. I can’t stop pushing back these feelings I have, that’s how I attempted suicide in the first place.
Me and Tony head out to the store to get some more cleaning supplies. Tony was driving. We were listening to our favorite song. It was raining, it was dark. We lost focus of the rode looking at each other and thinking to ourselves how far we’ve come. Only to realize, there was a truck coming. An 18 wheeler. It happened, we wrecked. I look over to Tony, he was unconscious.
He asks me how I was doing. We began talking about our sex life.
“Do you even feel anything when we have sex?” I ask nervously.
“Well, yeah I feel a lot of things.” He says sarcastically.
“No, not physically, I mean, emotionally.” I couldn’t help but my smile at his wit.
“Of course, why?” he looks scared, like I’m going to break up with him or something.
“Just, lately I’ve felt like you only need to have sex with me because you have to. I’m probably being stupid about it.” I say.
“Yes, you are Sebastian. I love you, believe me, if I didn’t I would let you know right off the bat.” He says. He seems pretty honest. So I can’t help but trust him. Maybe I am over analyzing this situation.
I continue cleaning the kitchen. Tony spent the night again and we always make a mess when he sleeps over. I want to ask him to move in. I don’t know how to though. I’m afraid he’ll laugh at me and run off. I don’t know if he’s looking for anything serious. I know what you’re thinking. Of course he is! He’s sleeping with you and is saying he loves you! I know that, but do you know the real reason I feel like he isn’t? Whenever I ask him if he is, he changes the subject. I asked him last week if he was interested in a serious relationship, he simply said “I don’t know” and went on talking about his bitch mom. It makes me so irritated. But I can’t stay mad at him. He knows exactly what to say to make me feel like he truly does love me. I can’t stop pushing back these feelings I have, that’s how I attempted suicide in the first place.
Me and Tony head out to the store to get some more cleaning supplies. Tony was driving. We were listening to our favorite song. It was raining, it was dark. We lost focus of the rode looking at each other and thinking to ourselves how far we’ve come. Only to realize, there was a truck coming. An 18 wheeler. It happened, we wrecked. I look over to Tony, he was unconscious.