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The Little Common Word
Ariel
As I sit in my living room watching the latest episode of my favorite TV show an idea pops into my head. Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid of something that doesn’t exist. Maybe I should stay afraid, but I’m afraid to. I ask my Mom what it felt like to be in love. She told me when you’re in love, everything around you seems to disappear. When you have the first kiss, you’ll know if it’s love. When you first make love, it will feel incredible. So far, I haven’t had that feeling yet. Well, except in High School when I still believed in love. It was my ninth grade year and my first boyfriend. His name was Harry and he was a junior which made me infatuated with him. Note the word infatuated, not in love yet. He asked me to the winter dance before Christmas break. I of course accepted and I immediately had a crush on him. We went to the dance and he told me I was beautiful. After the dance, in class one day, a little paper airplane flew onto my desk. I opened it up and it said the words “want to be my girlfriend? Check yes or no” I knew who it was from so I checked yes. He was my first kiss; my first love. I’ll never forget him, but I had to back then. He broke my heart in a million ways that I completely erased his memory from my mind. I slowly found out I was in love when I woke up in the morning and realized he was gone. He wasn’t mine anymore after six and a half months.
Ever since then, I haven’t wrapped my head around anyone. My father was still alive so my mom was with me through everything. Including those times when you hear your ex’s name over and over again either on TV or at school. My mom said that would happen. It was just my luck that it would happen to me. At school two days after me and Harry broke up, I saw him walking in the hallway smiling and happy. I then realized, he had his arm around another girl. It made me feel sorry for her for a moment. Then I realized she’s the reason he left me. So I instantly wanted to either attack her, or give her a reason to attack me. But I didn’t have enough guts to do anything so I just gave her a look. She looked back at me and told Harry. Harry came up to me later that day. He told me to get over it and leave her alone.
“Leave her alone? Do you not have any concern about me?” I said sternly.
“You’re not my girlfriend anymore, so no!” He said.
“How dare you! You’re almost an adult and you by far are the most immature man, no, boy, I ever met! Go soak yourself in your own semen ass hole!” I say as I walk away fiercely. I turn back for a second and I can see his face, it was sad. I felt accomplished but I also felt bad. I didn’t want to hurt him, I still loved him. But I knew it was right thing to do. He texted me later on that day about it. He said he was sorry for going off on him for just looking at her. He said he never meant to hurt me that he really does love me, but just not in love with me. I asked him what the difference is and he said simply “You know when you’re in love.” Just like my mom says. I didn’t text him back; I got the closure I needed. I slept really well that night.
After that heartbreak I never felt the same about any other guys. It made me realize that maybe I’ll never find love again. Shortly after that, my Father died. He had a sudden heart attack and died instantly. My mother was never the same after that. That’s how I felt when Harry and I broke up. That’s when I realized, maybe love isn’t such a good thing. I know I shouldn’t think so pessimistic like, but maybe it’s appropriate for this situation. Am I crazy for not loving love? Last time I checked, it was okay to have a different opinion. I almost feel like an outsider. My mom was in love, my friends were in love, and I was in love once. Why can’t I be in love again? Maybe this question is asked by a lot of people. Maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe there’s someone out there just like me, hopefully. Maybe I’m not the only who thinks love is this terrible thing god invented. I hate myself for thinking like that. Sometimes, I wish I was different. Sometimes, I wish I could sing along to love songs.
So I haven’t made the best choices in life. Like, skipping school every once in a while or taking pills I wasn’t supposed to take. But who hasn’t done that at least once in their life? I wasn’t exactly the “good” girl of the school, but I also wasn’t the “bad” girl. I was more of an average girl, who did this and that once in a while. I’ve had a few demons inside me at one point, but at the very most they’re gone. At least, I hope so, if not I’m in for a big surprise.
I get a call from my Sister. She sounds scared, frantic actually. She talked in a hush voice so I could barely here her. I said “what” about four times.
“Mom’s in the hospital Ariel! Get up here! This might be it…” She says. I literally drop my phone.
Ever since then, I haven’t wrapped my head around anyone. My father was still alive so my mom was with me through everything. Including those times when you hear your ex’s name over and over again either on TV or at school. My mom said that would happen. It was just my luck that it would happen to me. At school two days after me and Harry broke up, I saw him walking in the hallway smiling and happy. I then realized, he had his arm around another girl. It made me feel sorry for her for a moment. Then I realized she’s the reason he left me. So I instantly wanted to either attack her, or give her a reason to attack me. But I didn’t have enough guts to do anything so I just gave her a look. She looked back at me and told Harry. Harry came up to me later that day. He told me to get over it and leave her alone.
“Leave her alone? Do you not have any concern about me?” I said sternly.
“You’re not my girlfriend anymore, so no!” He said.
“How dare you! You’re almost an adult and you by far are the most immature man, no, boy, I ever met! Go soak yourself in your own semen ass hole!” I say as I walk away fiercely. I turn back for a second and I can see his face, it was sad. I felt accomplished but I also felt bad. I didn’t want to hurt him, I still loved him. But I knew it was right thing to do. He texted me later on that day about it. He said he was sorry for going off on him for just looking at her. He said he never meant to hurt me that he really does love me, but just not in love with me. I asked him what the difference is and he said simply “You know when you’re in love.” Just like my mom says. I didn’t text him back; I got the closure I needed. I slept really well that night.
After that heartbreak I never felt the same about any other guys. It made me realize that maybe I’ll never find love again. Shortly after that, my Father died. He had a sudden heart attack and died instantly. My mother was never the same after that. That’s how I felt when Harry and I broke up. That’s when I realized, maybe love isn’t such a good thing. I know I shouldn’t think so pessimistic like, but maybe it’s appropriate for this situation. Am I crazy for not loving love? Last time I checked, it was okay to have a different opinion. I almost feel like an outsider. My mom was in love, my friends were in love, and I was in love once. Why can’t I be in love again? Maybe this question is asked by a lot of people. Maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe there’s someone out there just like me, hopefully. Maybe I’m not the only who thinks love is this terrible thing god invented. I hate myself for thinking like that. Sometimes, I wish I was different. Sometimes, I wish I could sing along to love songs.
So I haven’t made the best choices in life. Like, skipping school every once in a while or taking pills I wasn’t supposed to take. But who hasn’t done that at least once in their life? I wasn’t exactly the “good” girl of the school, but I also wasn’t the “bad” girl. I was more of an average girl, who did this and that once in a while. I’ve had a few demons inside me at one point, but at the very most they’re gone. At least, I hope so, if not I’m in for a big surprise.
I get a call from my Sister. She sounds scared, frantic actually. She talked in a hush voice so I could barely here her. I said “what” about four times.
“Mom’s in the hospital Ariel! Get up here! This might be it…” She says. I literally drop my phone.