The Little Common Word

Will it hurt? That’s my main concern. Will this gun hurt? I feel like I have so much power in me right now. I get a call from him; his name shines brighter than the sun. I read his name, Tony, Tony with a heart next to it. Should I answer it? No. I have something to do. I out the gun to my chest, right before I pull the trigger, he texts. The test says “I’m outside!” He’s outside? What if I had pulled the trigger? What would he think? Hesitantly, I don’t go outside. I ignore him. He knocks on the door. He just doesn’t stop does he?! Not knowing what about to do, I look out the peep hole. He has flowers. I feel so bad, I feel so loved by him. But then again, I feel abandoned.
What happens now is selfish, I pull the trigger. I aimed towards the side of my stomach. I stay conscious enough to hear Tony bust through the door. He looks straight at me and says “Why would you do this Sebastian! Please stay with me! Please! I don’t want to lose you!” I’m smart enough to know that where I aimed will not kill me. I couldn’t keep my eyes open, the pain was excruciating. I just want to close my eyes and sleep so I don’t feel any pain. I hear him scream before closing my eyes.
* * * * * *

I wake up in the hospital, Tony and my mother beside me. They’re talking, I’m awake but keep my eyes closed so they will continue talking.
“So you’re his… Boyfriend?” My mother said disgustingly.
“Let’s not be too excited here.” Tony says sarcastically. He always knows how to make me feel good. It’s sad how he can stand up to my mom but I can’t.
“Pardon my rudeness, but he’s just always seemed to like girls.” My mother said.
“Well, I guess not.” Tony said quietly. I open my eyes. The first person to notice was, of course, Tony. “Well hello there sleepy-head!” He says.
“What happened?” I say silently.
“You shot yourself, do you not remember that?” He says confusingly.
“No, I don’t. It all happened so fast.” I say. I honestly can’t remember that night. “And yes mom, he’s my boyfriend. And I really like him.” I add.
“Whatever, look. Don’t do that again. Not just for your sake but for mine. Do you understand how that would make me look?” She says as she flicks her hair in frustration. I couldn’t help but sarcastically say “Yeah, sure.” Can she be so self-absorbed that she doesn’t care about her own son? It makes me sick to even think about that.
You see, my mother is this person who believes everything should be perfect. I was never perfect and never will be. No one is perfect, not even her. I can’t stand it. I just wish I had the balls to just say she’s the reason I attempted suicide. I’m tired of all her bullshit that I wanted to end it all. So, now that she knows I’m gay, maybe some of this pressure will come off me.
Word got out to my family about my “incident”. Mom wants to call it an incident so it makes it look like I didn’t do it on purpose. I had gotten many cards and flowers and friends visited me. Tony stayed by my bed side 24/7, no matter what. Well, except for the occasional food run and bathroom trip.
Tony is so amazing. Even when my mom seems to get to him, he keeps on rolling and staying by my side. I sometimes wonder, if he really does love me.
Mom hasn’t visited me in days. What a way for comfort right? I feel unwanted and like a failure by the one person who I shouldn’t feel unwanted or like a failure. This is so unfair. This might sound sick and twisted, but I wish she was the one who tried to shoot herself. Then I’d hope she’d die. That just shows you how much I’ve been tormented by her.